Do you want to be more emotionally mature? Do you worry about other people’s emotional reactions to you?
In the same way managing other people’s negative opinions isn’t your responsibility, it’s also not your responsibility to manage other people’s emotional reactions, says Mel Robbins in her book The Let Them Theory. While they might act emotionally immature, there’s a chance you might also be the one who needs to manage your emotions better.
Learn how to be emotionally mature so you can let go of how other people react to you.
Let Go of Your Fear of Other People’s Emotional Reactions
When you make decisions to avoid disappointing someone, to keep someone from getting angry at you, or because you know they’ll make you feel guilty if you don’t, you’re letting other people’s emotions dictate your decisions. Robbins explains that it’s hard but necessary to learn how to be emotionally mature and “Let Them” react. In doing so, you give people space to feel their emotions, and you release yourself from feeling like you have to manage or fix those emotions for them.
She explains that most people have the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old: They’ve never learned to process their emotions and communicate their needs in a healthy way because many parents inadvertently teach their children to suppress their emotions instead of finding a healthy way to express them. But Robbins explains that when an adult wants to act like an eight-year-old, you should just “Let Them.” Then, when you remind yourself to “Let Me” decide how to respond, you realize that their emotions aren’t yours to manage and it’s up to you to choose how much time and energy you want to give them.
| Are You (Emotionally) Smarter Than an Eight-Year-Old? Psychologists say emotional maturity isn’t tied strictly to age but develops through a combination of neurological development, experience, and intentional practice. While the prefrontal cortex—the brain region responsible for emotional regulation and impulse control—continues developing until approximately age 25, emotional maturity continues evolving throughout adulthood. Researchers say it consists of characteristics like taking responsibility for your actions, showing empathy, owning mistakes, communicating needs clearly, and setting healthy boundaries. But research does support Robbins’s core insight that many adults struggle with regulating and managing their own emotions. While an eight-year-old typically can identify basic emotions and is developing self-regulation strategies, many adults still resort to emotional reactions that bypass rational processing, particularly under stress. This happens because emotionally triggering situations can activate our amygdala (the brain’s threat-detection system) before our prefrontal cortex can engage. But emotional regulation is a skill set that can be continuously developed. Robbins’s advice to “Let Them” experience their emotions while you choose your response aligns with models like Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which teaches distinguishing between feeling an emotion and acting on it—a skill that supports both emotional maturity and healthy relationships. |
Robbins points out that sometimes, we’re the ones who are being emotionally immature. The Let Them Theory not only helps you feel more compassionate with people who have trouble managing their emotional reactions, but can also help you be more compassionate with yourself and your emotions. When you notice yourself getting angry or feeling frustrated, you can use “Let Them” to tell yourself to let those emotions wash over you. Then, you can use “Let Me” to remind yourself that you don’t have to react to the emotions you feel. You can’t control how you feel, but you can control what you say and do. You shouldn’t let your emotions dictate your decisions any more than you should let other people’s emotions determine what you do.
| Shedding Emotional Baggage Wes Anderson’s 2007 film The Darjeeling Limited dramatizes what happens when emotionally immature people have to replace their ineffective coping mechanisms with real efforts to manage their own emotions. The film follows three brothers on a “spiritual journey” across India after their father’s death, each attempting to manage his grief and pain in counterproductive ways: Francis tries to control every aspect of their trip, Peter hoards their father’s possessions, and Jack sidesteps emotions by turning them into thinly veiled fiction. The brothers initially practice a stunted version of “Let Them”: They physically distance themselves from problems, but they haven’t accepted reality. They break through this emotional immaturity only when they’re forced to confront genuine tragedy outside their bubble of self-concern, culminating in the film’s most powerful visual metaphor: the brothers literally abandoning their father’s monogrammed baggage as they run to catch a train. The moment illustrates the shift from merely saying “Let Them” to embracing “Let Me”—taking responsibility for how they respond to their circumstances without being weighed down by past hurts or letting their pain prevent them from being present in the moment. |
