How can you promote independence in children? Is there a level of independence that is considered too dangerous for young people?
In Bad Therapy, Abigail Shrier writes that children need time away from adult supervision to develop properly. This could mean letting children solve problems on their own or allowing them to participate in activities without your intervention.
Here’s how you can push your child to be more independent so they don’t have to rely on you.
Encourage Independence
In the past, independence in children was much more common since they were expected to entertain themselves. Today, parents intervene excessively in their children’s schooling, social lives, and daily activities. For example, they might pick up their child immediately after school, supervise all homework, and plan enriching activities at home. This constant adult supervision actually increases stress and anxiety in children, Shrier argues.
(Shortform note: How dangerous is it really for children to play unsupervised? According to data, children today are actually safer than ever before. Child mortality rates have dropped tenfold since 1935, and the chances of a child aged 5-14 dying prematurely are only about 0.01%. Data also suggests that the fear of kidnapping that drives many parents to constantly supervise their children is largely unfounded. Missing person reports involving minors have fallen by 40% since 1997, and only 0.1% of missing persons cases involve what we think of as stereotypical kidnapping by strangers.)
Shrier cites countries like Japan and Israel, which allow young children to regularly navigate public transportation alone and handle responsibilities that American parents would consider dangerous. This independence, she argues, leads to greater emotional stability and fewer mental health issues compared to American youth.
(Shortform note: According to a study comparing 16 countries (not including the US), Japan ranks among the top performers in giving children the freedom to move around independently, with Finland ranking the highest. However, contrary to what Shrier suggests, Israel actually ranks among the lowest. The study suggests that traffic danger is the biggest factor limiting children’s freedom in most countries. Because of this, researchers believe that it’s the community’s role to improve child independence by creating safer environments through better urban planning, less car dependency, and stronger road safety measures.)
Ultimately, Shrier argues parents should reduce their involvement in children’s lives rather than constantly intervening. She encourages them to step back and allow children to face natural consequences. For instance, instead of emailing teachers about homework, let your children face the natural outcomes of forgetting assignments. Allowing kids to have responsibilities and explore their environment without adult supervision—even if it involves small risks—teaches them to negotiate relationships, solve problems on their own, and build confidence.
| The Rise of Safety Parenting In The Coddling of the American Mind, Jonathan Haidt and Greg Lukianoff trace overprotective “safety” parenting back to the 1980s and 1990s when 24-hour news coverage of child abductions sparked widespread panic among parents. Though stranger kidnappings were extremely rare—only about 100 cases annually among 70 million US children—the media coverage convinced parents that danger lurked around every corner. This fear led to what Haidt and Lukianoff call safetyism—the belief that children must be protected from all possible risks or discomfort. As a result, parents began restricting basic childhood activities like walking to a friend’s house alone and started intervening in their children’s social conflicts and academic challenges. The authors note that this trend is especially prominent among privileged families who can afford to closely monitor their children’s activities. The authors say the consequences of safetyism become clear when these sheltered children reach college. Having missed out on opportunities to develop resilience through moderate risks and independent problem-solving, many students struggle with their first taste of autonomy. They often expect administrators to shield them from challenging ideas or uncomfortable situations, just as their parents protected them from childhood difficulties. When colleges respond by adding more protections, they reinforce students’ beliefs that they’re too fragile to handle challenges, contributing to their lack of resilience. |
