What would it take to feel truly alive and energized in your daily life? How can facing your own mortality help you create a more meaningful existence?
In You Only Die Once, Jodi Wellman explores how acknowledging death can transform the way we live. She introduces practical strategies to balance vitality and meaning, helping readers craft lives filled with purpose and joy.
Keep reading for our You Only Die Once book overview, and discover how embracing your mortality might be the key to living your best life right now.
You Only Die Once Book Overview
You Only Die Once, a book by Jodi Wellman, argues that the concept of memento mori—the intentional acknowledgment of our mortality—is the key to leading a better life. Wellman says that contemplating death and reflecting on the finite nature of our existence can inspire us to live more intentional and fulfilling lives, balancing vitality and meaning.
Wellman is a speaker, author, and facilitator specializing in helping people lead meaningful lives. She is the founder of Four Thousand Mondays, a platform dedicated to encouraging people to make the most of their time. Wellman holds a master’s degree in applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania, where she serves as an assistant instructor in the master’s program and as a facilitator in the Penn Resilience Program. She is also an ICF Professional Certified Coach and a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach. Her TEDx talk, “How Death Can Bring You Back to Life,” has over 1.3 million views.
In this overview, we’ll start by explaining why Wellman argues that contemplating death will help you live a better life. We’ll then discuss what it means to live a good life and how to reflect critically on the life you’re living, before outlining Wellman’s steps to improve the quality of your life right away.
Why Contemplating Death Makes You More Alive
According to Wellman, we tend to avoid thinking about death. She argues this avoidance is often rooted in the fear and discomfort of confronting the finite nature of our existence. Many people, she explains, prefer to focus on day-to-day activities and immediate concerns, pushing thoughts of death to the back of their minds, not wanting to disrupt their sense of normalcy or face the overwhelming fear of the unknown.
However, Wellman argues, thinking about death is actually the key to living a better life. By acknowledging our mortality, she explains, we become more aware of our limited time on earth, which can motivate us to live more intentionally and fully.
To illustrate her point, Wellman highlights how near-death experiences often cause people to reconsider their priorities and to focus more on things that bring greater meaning and fulfillment. Many people who have had close calls, whether it be a cancer diagnosis or a car accident, experience what’s known as “the roar of awakening,” an intense awareness and urgency to live meaningfully after surviving a potentially fatal event. Wellman says that after brushes with death, people often become more focused on personal priorities, more grateful, more mindful, and more committed to developing closer relationships with the people they love.
How to Start Thinking About Death More
But, Wellman reassures, you don’t have to face a near-death experience to reap the benefits of confronting death. She introduces the concept of “memento mori” (Latin for “remember you must die”), the intentional reminder of our mortality, as a tool that encourages us to live more purposefully. By regularly reflecting on the finite nature of life, you can cultivate a deeper appreciation for your time on earth, make choices that align with your core values, and focus on what matters, ultimately leading to a more meaningful and fulfilled existence.
Wellman emphasizes the importance of making peace with the concept of death not as a macabre fascination but as a meaningful aspect of the human experience that can enhance our appreciation for life. She asserts that practicing memento mori, or the contemplation of death, enriches our lives by highlighting the preciousness of each moment and encouraging a lifestyle that reflects our deepest values and desires.
Wellman offers two strategies to help you embrace your mortality. First, she suggests noticing impermanence in everyday life. For example, observe how a bouquet of flowers wilts and fades over time, or how a favorite item of clothing begins to wear out with repeated use. Pay attention to the daily changes in the weather, or the gradual fading of daylight as evening approaches. These everyday observations serve as reminders of life’s transient nature and encourage you to focus on living in the present.
Second, Wellman also encourages you to prompt a voluntary existential crisis by confronting death more directly—whether through counting the number of Mondays you likely have left before you die, writing your own obituary, or visiting a cemetery to read the names on tombstones and imagine the lives of those buried beneath them.
What Makes a Good Life
Now that you’ve confronted your inevitable death, let’s discuss what makes a good life.
Wellman argues that people who lead good lives experience both vitality and meaning. She defines vitality as the feeling of being alive and energized, most often experienced when you do things that spark joy, excitement, and curiosity. Meaning, on the other hand, is the sense of purpose you get from participating in activities or relationships that matter to you and align with your core values. The combination of vitality and meaning, Wellman explains, creates a balanced and fulfilling life that is both rich in experiences and deeply purposeful.
How Alive Are You?
Wellman argues that most of us walk through life not fully alive—lacking in either vitality, or meaning, or both. Therefore, Wellman suggests you first take stock of your life before making any drastic life changes. Wellman asks you to consider how you feel about your life on a 1-10 scale from despondent to thriving. Based on this subjective self-assessment, Wellman categorizes people into three groups: “suffering,” “struggling,” or “thriving.”
Wellman explains that those who are thriving are typically engaged and energetic people whose lives align with their core values and who find joy and meaning in their lives, while those who are suffering are more likely to experience chronic issues, like stress and physical pain. Wellman, citing the 2023 World Happiness Report, writes that people around the world rate their lives at an average of 5.5 on the 10-point scale.
Wellman acknowledges that sometimes we might be thriving in one aspect of our lives, but struggling in another. She uses the term “dead zones” to refer to areas of your life that lack energy, passion, or fulfillment, causing you to feel stagnant or uninspired. For example, you may feel uninspired or lost at work or in personal relationships, or be unmotivated to take good care of yourself.
The Life Quality Quadrant
After getting an overall sense for your happiness, Wellman introduces what she calls the “The Astonishingly Alive Zones,” which we will refer to as the Life Quality Quadrant. The Life Quality Quadrant provides a framework to help you visualize how much vitality and meaning you currently have in your life. The x-axis of the quadrant is vitality, while the y-axis is meaning. Wellman encourages you to plot two points in this graph: your current state as it relates to the level of meaning and vitality in your life, and your desired future state.
Depending on where you plot yourself, you’ll fall into one of four categories or zones: stagnant (low vitality and low meaning); purposeful but stale (high meaning but low vitality); vibrant but shallow (high vitality but low meaning); or fully alive (high in both vitality and meaning).
This exercise serves as a wake-up call, providing a visual representation of your life’s richness or lack thereof, or the disconnect between where you are and where you want to be. Wellman suggests that recognizing your current position is the first step toward moving into the fully alive zone, which represents a life lived with both pleasure and purpose. She clarifies where you fall on the quadrant will naturally fluctuate over time and that your good life will look different from someone else’s. Ultimately, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to achieving a fully alive state.
How to Start Living Like You’re Dying
Depending on where you plotted yourself on the Life Quality Quadrant, you may feel like your life is missing some vitality, and you could use a little more joie de vivre, or that your life lacks meaning, and you’re looking for some greater purpose in how you spend your time.
We’ll first discuss Wellman’s suggestions for how to add vitality to your life.
Increase Vitality
A reminder that Wellman defines vitality as a positive sense of aliveness and energy that fuels your zest for life, enabling you to fully engage with the world and live a life filled with joy, excitement, and novelty.
Break Habits That Dull Vitality
Wellman argues that habits can undermine vitality by keeping us on autopilot. While they provide structure and comfort, habits can dull life’s vibrancy, leading to boredom and a lack of fulfillment. To combat this, Wellman advises reassessing and adjusting habits that don’t benefit you, highlighting excessive social media and screen time as major culprits.
Wellman also warns that prioritizing work and financial gain at the expense of personal time and leisure can lead to burnout and a diminished quality of life. Skimping on vacation, for instance, not only robs you of rejuvenation but statistically, as Wellman points out, shortens your lifespan.
Strategies to Increase Vitality
Wellman offers several strategies to inject novelty into your life in order to help revive your sense of wonder and engagement with the world.
1) Break away from your routine and add a little spontaneity to your life. Leaning into your curiosity is one way to keep life new and exciting. When you’re always on the lookout for new information or things to learn, the world can’t help but feel fresh. Wellman emphasizes that adding a touch of novelty doesn’t require grand changes; even minor shifts, like reading a book in an unfamiliar genre or trying a new recipe, can refresh your perspective.
2) Get moving. Wellman says that incorporating more movement into your daily life—whether through walking, dancing, or spontaneous physical activity—can significantly enhance your sense of aliveness.
3) Prioritize leisure and play by joining a club, pursuing hobbies, or simply setting aside time to relax and enjoy life. This invites relaxation and joy into your daily routine. One of Wellman’s favorite strategies for incorporating playfulness is to take time off to celebrate random days, such as half-birthdays, the summer and winter solstices, or even National Talk Like a Pirate Day. These occasions offer a fun excuse to unwind and embrace a bit of silliness.
4) Surround yourself with the right people. Wellman recommends finding a role model who inspires you to try new things. Spend more time with people who ask good questions or make you laugh, and less time with the people who leave you drained.
Enhance Meaning
According to Wellman, meaning is what provides our lives with depth and significance. She argues that it’s the necessary balance to a life filled solely with pleasure (or vitality). It offers a sense of direction and purpose and helps us recognize that our lives are inherently valuable and connected with something larger than ourselves.
Wellman emphasizes that research consistently highlights the importance of having meaning in life. A sense of meaning improves well-being, life satisfaction, mental and physical health, resilience, and self-esteem, while its absence is linked to poor well-being and higher risk of depression. Notably, those with a strong sense of purpose also typically have a more accepting view of death and less existential dread.
Strategies to Enhance Meaning
Wellman suggests ways to enhance meaning in your life.
1) Reflect on your impact. Wellman explains that meaning emerges from connecting actions to their broader outcomes, whether through work or personal relationships. Even small daily tasks create ripples beyond one’s immediate environment, contributing to the larger world.
One way to deepen impact is by giving back to others. Wellman suggests that putting aside self-interest to support others brings meaning to life. Engaging in volunteering and random acts of kindness not only boosts personal well-being but also strengthens community bonds. Incorporating small acts of generosity into daily routines can help you cultivate a sense of purpose and connection.
2) Be a part of a community. Wellman highlights that feeling like we’re part of a community reassures us that we are valued. She thus recommends fostering connections that affirm your place in the world and nurture a positive sense of belonging.
Wellman says you might find this community, or sense of belonging, in a spiritual practice. For some, spirituality, whether through organized religion or a personal connection to a larger existence, can be a profound source of meaning. Wellman notes that this connection can provide coherence and comfort, leading to a deeper understanding of your purpose. If you don’t have a spiritual practice, consider exploring faith traditions or other spiritual practices that resonate with you.
3) Create a legacy. Wellman describes this as an enduring contribution that extends beyond your lifetime and that will benefit future generations. This might be art or music you create, a business you start, or simply the work of being a good parent or mentor. Think about the impact you want to leave on the world and how you can actively work toward that legacy.
4) Embrace suffering. Wellman explains that pain and struggle are often deeply connected to meaning because they often serve as catalysts for growth and self-discovery. Facing challenges and navigating suffering push you beyond your limits, build resilience, and help clarify your priorities, molding you into a more authentic version of yourself.
Get Ahead of Regrets
Aside from emphasizing the need to increase vitality and meaning, Wellman advocates for a regret-free life. She points out that while death is inevitable, the regrets we carry are often the result of choices we make or fail to make. She encourages a reframing of regrets, viewing them not as sources of sadness or disappointment but as powerful drivers for growth and change.
Wellman suggests that rather than accumulating regrets by the end of your life, you should identify potential regrets now by creating a list of “regrets-in-the-making.” Consider what you don’t want to regret on your deathbed. Would you regret not expressing something important to a loved one, not starting a business, or not taking that trip to New Zealand? Wellman notes that regrets about actions we didn’t take are often harder to bear than those about actions we did.
Start Small, Start Now
Wellman advises against trying to overhaul your life all at once, as this can lead to overwhelm and burnout. Instead, she recommends making incremental changes that are sustainable and meaningful. Starting small involves identifying one thing you can do to either expand your life with vitality or deepen it with meaning. Whether it’s trying a new hobby, reconnecting with an old friend, or prioritizing self-care, these small steps accumulate over time, leading to substantial transformation.
Ultimately, Wellman insists that you don’t need to wait for the “perfect” moment to start living a life that aligns with your deepest values and desires. Instead, harness the motivation of your inevitable death (which is closer today than it was yesterday), and implement small changes that propel you toward a life rich with meaning and vitality.
