This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't)" by Brené Brown. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Where does shame come from? How can you understand what shame is?
Understanding shame is the first step in acknowledging it and overcoming it. According to Brené Brown in I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t), taking control of shame means identifying what causes it in the first place.
Put shame in the past by acknowledging it with these steps.
Understand Your Shame and What Causes It
To start building empathy and combating shame, you must recognize when you’re experiencing it and what’s causing it. Understanding shame and its causes will allow you to separate from your negative thoughts and emotions before they can cause you to experience fear, react with blame, and become disconnected from yourself and others. Acknowledging your shame will enable you to practice courage, compassion, and connection.
There are two parts to this practice. The first is to identify how shame feels. The second is to identify the identities and situations that cause that shame.
Overcoming Shame by Breaking Neuroassociations
In Awaken The Giant Within, Tony Robbins agrees that the key to overcoming negative actions and reactions (like shame, fear, blame, and disconnection) is to identify what’s causing them. In his view, these actions and reactions are caused by neuroassociations: connections in our brain that form between experiences and emotions. These connections help us identify and avoid situations that might cause pain.
Robbins explains that all of our actions and reactions are the result of these neuroassociations. For example, if you’re shamed for wearing your favorite old sweater, you’ll form a negative neuroassociation between “wearing old clothes” and “shame,” and you’ll avoid wearing old clothes in public in the future. Robbins says that uncovering and correcting these neuroassociations is the key to combating negative actions and reactions like shame.
Step #1: Identify How Shame Feels
Brown explains that you can identify shame by reflecting on how it feels in your body. She says shame feels different for everyone—for some people, it might feel like a knot in their stomach, and for others, a pounding in their chest.
To identify how you react to shame, think of a recent experience you’ve had with shame—where in your body did you feel its physical effects? What did they feel like? For example, you might have felt burning, throbbing, or numbness. Are there any other sensations you experience? For example, maybe you get a metallic taste in your mouth. Are there any instincts that pop into your mind? For example, you might want to run, fight, hide, or yell.
Remember how shame feels for you so you can recognize it the next time it crops up and stop it from controlling your thoughts, behaviors, and actions.
(Shortform note: Sometimes, it can be difficult to recognize experiences of shame, even when we’re reflecting on past experiences as Brown recommends. If you’re still struggling to identify experiences with shame, some experts recommend conducting Brown’s recommendation backward: First, understand common reactions to shame. Then, use this knowledge to identify situations where you reacted similarly and might have been experiencing shame. Once you’ve identified experiences of shame, you can then expand on how they felt as Brown recommends. Experts explain that some common reactions that might indicate you’re experiencing shame are sudden feelings of panic, difficulty breathing, the urge to flee, or flashbacks to traumatic events.)
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Here's what you'll find in our full I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) summary:
- Brené Brown's guide on what shame is, why it happens, how it impacts our lives
- How to build empathy and combat shame
- Why it's important to talk about shame with others
