This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "How to Be an Adult in Relationships" by David Richo. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Do you sometimes wish you were back in the honeymoon phase? How do you deal with change in a relationship?
David Richo argues that all successful relationships happen in three phases—the honeymoon phase, the discordant phase, and the devotion phase. Mindful loving enables you to transition between these phases in a way that makes your relationship stronger.
Learn how to deal with change in a relationship so that it doesn’t sour over time.
Mindful Loving in the Honeymoon Phase
To understand how to deal with change in a relationship, you need to know what phase of the relationship you’re in. In the honeymoon phase, romance is at a high and you express mindful love easily. You act like the best version of yourself, and so does your partner, so you’re both swept away by the illusion that your partner is perfect or nearly perfect. As a result, it’s easy for you and your partner to practice Gratitude, Respect, Engagement, Attention, and Tenderness (GREAT) with each other and affirm one another’s inherent lovability. This helps you build a mutually loving foundation upon which the rest of the relationship can rest.
(Shortform note: Neuroscientists say that the high you experience during the honeymoon stage is caused by physiological changes in your brain. You’re so enthralled by your partner that just looking at or thinking about them activates the chemicals in your brain responsible for desire, connection, and euphoric feelings. That’s why it’s so easy to practice the GREAT model with each other in this stage—these neurochemicals make you feel good, so you’re motivated to keep being intimate with your partner.)
Mindful Loving in the Discordant Phase
Richo says that you and your partner will inevitably leave the honeymoon stage and enter the discordant phase when you begin to have conflict with each other. In this stage, you’ll see each other as flawed for the first time.
According to Richo, conflict can be resolved more easily and strengthen your relationship if you approach it in a mindfully loving way: as an opportunity to get to know and accept each other more fully.
(Shortform note: The mindfully loving approach to conflict doesn’t just strengthen your relationship—it also supports your physical health. Studies show that if conflict happens too often or for too long in your relationship, it may lead to chronic stress. Stress can make you sick—it lowers your immunity to illnesses, causes inactive health issues to flare up, and can result in chronic pains like frequent headaches. In contrast, couples who resolve conflict in a healthy, timely way are healthier in the long run.)
To resolve conflicts in a mindfully loving way, Rico says you have to put your ego aside and focus on cooperating with your partner instead of on winning the argument. More specifically, you and your partner should listen to and validate each other’s feelings about the conflict, practicing each of the five components of the GREAT model all the while.
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Here's what you'll find in our full How to Be an Adult in Relationships summary:
- The secret to a long-lasting, loving relationship
- How to overcome emotional wounds that hold you back from loving
- How the Buddhist concept of mindful loving can create a better world
