This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Eight Dates" by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, et al.. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Is it normal for those in a relationship to change? How do you talk about change in a relationship?
If you’re in a long-term relationship, chances are that you or your partner have changed over time. To deal with developments, you and your partner need to talk about them and remind yourselves why you love each other in the first place.
Here’s how to discuss the inevitable changes your relationship will experience over the years.
Dealing With Change
According to the authors of Eight Dates, it’s completely normal for people to change. In a relationship, it’s important to support your partner’s evolution, even if it’s different than you expected. Conflict will often arise as you or your partner changes, but individual change can strengthen and deepen a relationship when both partners take it as an opportunity to better understand the other person. On a date, you need to acknowledge how you and your partner have changed in your relationship and to discuss shared traditions that will keep you connected as you continue to change in the future.
(Shortform note: While there’s widespread consensus that personality changes over time, research has shown some personality traits remain relatively stable throughout a person’s life, while others change significantly. For example, some studies have found that people tend to become more emotionally stable as they age. Also, personality traits that are more specific and negative, such as anxiety or anger, are more likely to change over time than broader and more positive traits like extraversion or conscientiousness.)
Given that change is inevitable, it can be helpful to have shared traditions (or rituals of connection) that ground you and your partner in your relationship. Maybe that’s drinking coffee together in bed every morning, keeping Sabbath on Saturdays, or planning a trip every year for your anniversary. Regardless of what your traditions are, establishing these kinds of touchpoints can keep you grounded and close through life’s ups and downs.
(Shortform note: Creating shared traditions not only provides stability in the midst of change but also creates a sense of belonging and closeness in your relationship. If you want to explore new traditions to introduce into your relationship, go through this list of 27 ideas, which includes forming a family book club and going on a weekly family walk.)
Use the following questions to guide your conversations:
- Describe ways in which you’ve grown that you’re most proud of.
- How do you prioritize your personal growth? How can I support you?
- What traditions are important for us to establish even as our relationship continues to grow and change?
(Shortform note: The authors’ conversation about change is focused on sharing your vision of personal growth, not providing suggestions for how you want your partner to change. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains that you can’t force change on another person. People are only able to change if they feel accepted and appreciated. Therefore, he recommends that instead of criticizing your partner, focus on what you appreciate about them, and try to understand their perspective. Work to embrace and celebrate each other’s unique qualities instead of focusing on what you wish was different.)
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