How can adults better connect with and mentor young people? The key lies in abandoning conventional approaches that assume young people are impulsive and incompetent, and instead adopting what psychologist David Yeager calls the “mentor mindset.”
In his book 10 to 25, Yeager argues that rather than viewing young people as neurobiologically incompetent, effective mentors recognize that teens and young adults are actually quite capable—they’re just wired to prioritize social standing and peer respect over abstract future goals. This article explores Yeager’s research-backed approach to mentorship, examining why conventional authoritarian and permissive methods fall short, and providing practical strategies for connecting effort to purpose, teaching stress as positive, and helping young people develop a sense of belonging.
Overview of 10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People
Working with young people isn’t always easy, but it’s one of the most important jobs in the world. So why do we often struggle to connect with, motivate, and guide them to reach their highest potential? In 10 to 25, published in 2024, David Yeager writes that conventional approaches to mentoring (teaching, parenting, coaching, and so on) rest on the assumption that young people are basically incompetent, impulsive, and unconcerned with the consequences of their actions.
But this is wrong, Yeager says, and mentoring methods based on these assumptions fail both us and future generations. In reality, young people only appear impulsive and careless because between the ages of 10 and 25, their brains are wired to care more about social standing and the respect of their peers than schoolwork or abstract future goals. So, to become better mentors, we must harness young people’s natural social motivations rather than treating them as obstacles to overcome. By giving them gracious guidance while also expecting a lot from them, mentors can help young people reach their potential and contribute to the betterment of society.
Yeager is a professor of psychology who teaches at the University of Texas at Austin. He studies young people’s cognitive and social development, with an emphasis on interventions that have positive, long-lasting impacts. He wrote 10 to 25 to share his research and experience. In this guide, we’ll explore the book’s ideas in three parts:
- What We Misunderstand About Young People—how conventional approaches to mentoring children, teens, and young adults fail because they’re based on flawed assumptions about their competence, capability, and motivations
- Better Mentorship Starts with Better Understanding—how we can properly understand young people’s developmental needs and adopt a mentoring approach that works with them
- Putting the Mentor Mindset to Work—how to implement specific practices and interventions that really work, according to the research of Yeager and others
In our commentary, we’ll explore related perspectives on mentorship and education from authors including Angela Duckworth (Grit) and Robert Green (Mastery). We’ll also connect Yeager’s ideas to other experts’ research and to history, showing how they fit into larger discussions about raising young people well.
What We Misunderstand About Young People
To begin, we’ll introduce what Yeager says is the main problem preventing parents, teachers, and others from becoming better mentors: the neurobiological-incompetence model. We’ll define the model, explain why mentoring approaches based on it don’t work, and discuss the key insights that can help us leave this model behind.
The Neurobiological Incompetence Model
According to Yeager, conventional wisdom in Western culture says that young people are basically impulsive, bad at thinking for themselves, and unable to make good choices.
This perspective rests on 20th-century scientific findings that the adolescent brain lacks a fully developed prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that governs decision-making). Studies have also shown that the limbic system, the brain’s seat of emotion, is more active in young people than in adults. These findings have led to the idea that young people can’t control themselves, so they need adults to tell them what to do. In other words, we assume that young people are neurobiologically incompetent—that their brains don’t yet work as well as adults’ do, so they can’t behave properly.
Incompetence-Based Mentoring Approaches
Yeager identifies two main schools of thought based on the view that young people are basically incompetent:
- Authoritarian mentorship assumes that since young people are incompetent, they need to be managed with a firm, uncompromising hand. This approach enforces strict expectations of performance without giving much support in return.
- Permissive mentorship assumes that since young people are incompetent, they need to be protected from hardship. This approach gives lots of support while lowering standards, so that no one experiences too much stress or pressure.
According to Yeager, both approaches to mentorship fall short, but for different reasons. The authoritarian approach fails because it treats young people disrespectfully, which tends to cause rebellion, frustration, or other unproductive behaviors. Research on nagging illustrates this effect: When parents simply tell their kids what to do, expecting obedience, it triggers hormone reactions in their children that make them upset with their parents and more likely to disobey.
The permissive approach fails for the opposite reason—it gives young people too much leeway, which teaches them that they don’t have to respect the teacher or mentor, and that they don’t have to try to earn recognition. That is, too many unearned gold stars create kids who are a bit spoiled. Yeager saw this firsthand when he worked at an orphanage. Because the kids had been through a lot of hardship, he treated them leniently. But because of this, they learned to walk all over him, knowing he’d clean up after their messes and wouldn’t hold them accountable.
Better Mentorship Starts With Better Understanding
So far, we’ve seen how conventional mentoring approaches assume that young people are incompetent, impulsive, and in dire need of adult guidance. In this section, we’ll look at how Yeager flips the script by explaining that young people are, in fact, quite capable—they just have developmental needs and drives that conventional wisdom doesn’t take into account. By addressing these needs, mentors can help them channel their natural drives productively.
Young People Have Social Developmental Drives
Yeager writes that young people aren’t incompetent, they’re just focused on—and motivated by—different things than we think. From ages 10 to 25, a young person’s basic drives are socially oriented. What they want most is to find their place among their peers, explore their individuality and identity, and earn status and respect in their social environment. This is why, for instance, many teenagers seem not to care about school. Getting good grades has little to do with whether their friends like them or whether their crush thinks they’re funny. At worst, caring about school can lose them social status, because often their peers see it as uncool.
According to Yeager, striving to succeed socially is a natural part of a young person’s development. This is because in our evolutionary past, social success could mean the difference between life and death (and therefore whether you passed your genes on). If you didn’t belong securely to your group, you risked being left to fend for yourself.
So, young people are capable and competent—they just apply themselves to the things they care about, which usually aren’t what adults want them to prioritize. Being socially motivated, they strive to fit in, form friendships, play the dating game, and pursue any skills or activities they see as having social rewards (like sports). By contrast, academic achievement and other abstract, long-term endeavors (like staying healthy) don’t carry the same social allure.
Mentor Young People With Respect to Their Social Drives
Acknowledging that young people are socially motivated clues us into a better way to view them. Namely, Yeager suggests that instead of believing they’re incompetent problems we need to solve, we can view them as young but competent humans with developmentally valid wants and needs. In this view, they’re capable individuals with agency, deserving of respect.
When you choose to believe that young people are competent and capable, you assume what Yeager calls the mentor mindset. This belief in their competence leads to two responses: Because you see them as capable, you believe they can meet high standards—so you maintain strict expectations. But because you also see them as deserving human beings, you provide the support they need to reach those standards.
According to Yeager, operating with the mindset of a mentor means channeling young people’s natural desires for respect and status into productive ends. You do this by treating them with genuine care—listening to them, acknowledging their struggles, and making them feel heard—while simultaneously expecting excellence from them. This combination tends to earn you their trust and respect, which opens the door to genuinely productive mentor-mentee relationships.
For instance, a math teacher using this approach would set the expectation that a struggling student would still meet the class requirements. But they’d support that expectation by encouraging the student, giving them personalized guidance, and relating to them as a capable person who can rise to the challenge—not as a problem to be managed.
Mentor Mindset Benefits in School
Much of Yeager’s research on mentoring took place in academic settings, and he says that when mentors adopt a mentoring mindset, it has a number of important benefits for their students. Among these are:
- Improved academic effort: In a study Yeager and his colleagues conducted, they found that a single feedback note sharing a teacher’s high expectations and genuine care got students to try harder and make use of constructive criticism on an essay-writing task.
- Lasting drive to succeed: In further research conducted by Yeager and others, mentoring methods that combined discipline with care helped students persevere and achieve more academically, even years down the road.
- Reduced inequity: Yeager notes that when mentors provide high expectations and genuine care, students from marginalized backgrounds benefit. For instance, his feedback notes supported students of color to work extra hard and earn better grades.
Putting the Mentor Mindset to Work
Up to this point, we’ve seen what kinds of mentoring approaches fail and what Yeager suggests doing instead. In this section, we’ll dive into his practical recommendations. These include being transparent, using effective questions, and helping young people understand stress, purpose, and belonging.
Be Transparent
First, Yeager explains that you need to be transparent about your intent to mentor a young person. Because mentors are older than mentees, there’s a power disparity in the relationship, and too many adults condescend to young people. To prevent such miscommunication and build trust, say upfront to the young person you’re working with that you believe in them and are only there to help them improve. This sends the message that you’re an ally, not someone who sees them as a problem. You should repeat these intentions when things get tough, reminding your mentee that you’re there to support them through any hardships they face.
For example, a teacher might tell his students on the first day of class that he expects a lot of them, but that they can always come to his office for extra help. He’d say that he knows they can succeed, even if it’ll take hard work, and that he’s there to catch them if they fall.
Ask Constructive Questions
Next, Yeager says that you should use a collaborative questioning process to help your mentees troubleshoot any issues they run into. By asking constructive questions, you get them to think for themselves about what they’re learning, what they’re struggling with, and how they might overcome their challenges. For instance, a teacher might ask a struggling student who comes for help what their biggest challenge is, what they’ve already tried to solve that problem, and what they’re thinking of trying next.
According to Yeager, this approach works because people don’t just need information—they need to go through the process of acquiring knowledge by working things out for themselves. By contrast, when you simply tell someone what to do, it doesn’t help them build genuine understanding or teach them how to solve similar problems in the future.
Teach That Stress Is Positive
Yeager also recommends that you teach your mentees to view stress as positive, rather than negative. Most people think stress is debilitating and try to avoid it. But in reality, stress is part of growth, because you can’t learn without some struggle. By helping young people see that stress can be good for them, you encourage them to face up to challenges and develop their fortitude, rather than folding when things get tough.
To help a mentee see stress in a new light, Yeager says it’s important to listen first and validate their feelings about stress. This helps them feel seen and understood. Then ask questions to dig deeper, trying to understand what they’re struggling with and why. Finally, give them your support—whether that means helping them with a high school term paper or a graduate-level research project—and along the way, point out that stress can lead to growth and achievement.
For instance, if a young athlete is stressed about a big game, her coach would first listen, saying something like “Everyone gets anxious under pressure. It’s OK.” Then he’d question: “Is there anything specific you’re stressed about?” Last, he’d support—pointing out that the athlete’s stress about playing at her best is a chance to see what she’s really made of, and that he’s there to support her through it.
Connect Effort to Purpose
Next comes purpose. Young people need a reason to care about growth and effort, Yeager says, because it’s hard and stressful to strive to become more. They need to know why they should bother, and typical motivation strategies fail at clarifying this “why.” On one hand, we try to coax them with short-term rewards that are superficially aligned with their interests (like soccer-themed math problems). On the other hand, we present them with long-term rewards that are too abstract (like telling a seventh grader that studying for a test will help them get a good job later on). Neither of these works because they don’t have real, concrete relevance to young people’s social motivations and interests.
To better engage young people and encourage them to care, connect what they need to learn to their immediate social motivators. According to Yeager, young people aren’t as narrow-minded as we think and often thrive when engaged in projects that integrate learning with social interaction. For instance, a social studies teacher might combine history lessons with discussions of real-world social issues that matter to the students. When students chime in, she might treat them as peers with real, valid thoughts to share.
Yeager also recommends involving students in prosocial projects that give them opportunities to socialize, engage with each other about the issue, and do things that matter in their communities. In one example, he writes of students from a Chicago community struggling with gun violence who, among other things, held a “day of peace,” asking gang members and other gun users to put their weapons down and volunteer for a day. In the process, they learned about their civil rights and responsibilities, developed greater confidence, and gained a sense of status from doing work that mattered.
Help Young People Feel They Belong
Finally, Yeager turns to belonging. He writes that to perform well in any learning environment, young people need to feel they belong there. This happens when they see themselves as being at least as competent as other group members. But they struggle with belonging when they see themselves as less competent than average. For instance, the top student in a tough premedical program might feel they belong, but a student barely passing their classes probably wouldn’t.
Yeager says that when a young person feels they don’t belong, it’s often because they’re telling themselves a story that they aren’t good enough and won’t get any better. This is a fixed mindset—a belief that change isn’t possible. But according to Yeager, change is possible. To help someone realize this, tell a different story with these four elements:
- Communicate that having a hard time belonging is normal and valid. Everyone sometimes struggles to feel they’re in the right place, and everyone sometimes has a hard time learning new things.
- Explain that change is always possible, and that it just takes time. Tell students that if they’re struggling with something, that won’t change overnight. But if they work hard and stick to it, they will improve.
- Point out what they can do now to start changing. Suggest ways to study better, engage more with their peers, get extra help, or find mental health support if they’re really struggling.
- Tell them that learning will snowball. Hard, patient work compounds incrementally until it eventually gives way to big improvements. Help your mentees see that if they stay the course, they may achieve things they never dreamed were possible—and that they belong wherever that effort lands them.
This approach works because it’s realistic: It addresses young people’s valid concerns that they’re struggling, and it gives them a path forward without sugar-coating how hard that path may be to follow. As Yeager says, studies have found that this kind of intervention has positive effects on people’s sense of belonging and social outcomes years down the line.
