Are your feelings easily hurt? Are you more focused on protecting yourself than solving bigger problems?
When people come at us, it’s easy to react in ways that end up making the confrontation worse. Our ego is often to blame. Law enforcement trainer and English professor George Thompson says that Verbal Judo offers a way out of this mindset.
Continue reading to learn how to let go of your ego and move forward in a positive direction.
Let Go of Your Ego
One method of Verbal Judo is to approach conflicts as if they’re impersonal, even when they feel very personal. Thompson explains that people can become antagonistic under stress. They might blame you, even if you didn’t do anything wrong. But Thompson argues that it’s not productive to let your feelings get hurt: It’s more important to demonstrate that you understand the needs the other person is expressing (even if they aren’t doing so in words) than to protect your ego.
Drawing on your ability to enter the mushin state of mind, you can stay calm even when emotions run high. Thompson shares practical advice on how to let go of your ego and stay focused on solving the problem instead.
1. Acknowledge But Don’t Address Insults
First, Thompson explains that you can make someone feel heard without engaging with personal attacks or insults. For example, if a customer yells at you and says that you and the company you work with are stupid, there’s no need to refute those claims. Instead, you can just make it clear that you’ve heard the complaint and then move toward a resolution with a statement like, “I hear you, and I have an idea about how we can get this resolved for you.”
(Shortform note: Other experts agree with Thompson that ignoring an insult is often the most productive strategy. Psychiatrist Neel Burton, author of Stoic Stories, writes that the philosophers of the ancient Greek school of thought called Stoicism believed it’s better to ignore an insult than to respond to it. Burton writes that the idea is to remind yourself of what you’re trying to accomplish in a situation and focus on that goal, rather than getting sidetracked by figuring out how to best handle someone’s hurtful words or actions. Experts say that the Stoics sought to increase positive emotions and decrease negative ones. Avoiding overreacting—or even reacting at all—to insults might be one way to do that.)
2. Mirror Their Feelings Back to Them
Second, you can interrupt someone to state what you’ve heard back to them, using the interruption to keep the conversation from spinning out of control and show that you’re trying to understand how the other person sees things. For example, you could say to a friend who’s upset, “Hang on, I want to make sure I’ve got this straight. You’re feeling like I don’t appreciate you because you’ve had to plan our recent get-togethers, right?” Even though you feel that you do appreciate your friend—and you might be tempted to remind them of all of the ways you’ve shown your appreciation—putting what they’ve expressed into your own words shows them that you understand how they’re feeling.
(Shortform note: Reflective listening—using another person’s words to summarize what they’ve said to you—is a technique that many people have learned from therapy. It can be a helpful tool during tough conversations. But experts worry that when “therapy speak” enters everyday conversation, it can flatten nuance and keep us from figuring out what we feel and how to move forward. For example, many people use reflective listening to tell others that their feelings are “valid.” But psychologist Jonathan Shedler objects to that language, noting that while it’s helpful to validate someone’s experience, judging whether their emotions are valid doesn’t help you understand their experience or figure out how to help.)
