How to Ask for Her Number (+ What to Do Next)

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Models" by Mark Manson . Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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When is it appropriate to ask for a woman’s number? What are some things you should keep in mind before you make the ask?

The first thing to know when asking for a woman’s number is whether she’s given you enough signs that she’s interested. If you’re not certain, keep talking and pay attention to the way she responds—both verbally and non-verbally.

Here are some tips on how to ask for her number and how to proceed from there.

Asking for Her Number

In his book Models, Mark Manson explains how to ask for her number so you can take things further. Manson explains that some women will give you their phone number but not respond to or go out with you—either because they’re not genuinely interested or for other reasons (like they’re busy at work that week). You can reduce the possibility of getting the number of a woman who’s not interested by only asking for her contact information if she seems to like you—which she’ll demonstrate via signs like stroking her hair or paying more attention to you than to her friends. But after your first meeting, it’s hard to tell whether she’s lost interest or she’s genuinely distracted.

Therefore, Manson recommends giving every woman three chances. After meeting someone, message her within 24 hours to say it was nice to meet her. The following day, text something relevant to your previous conversation. Build a little rapport if you can, but focus on scheduling a date. If she blows you off at any point (such as by not texting back or missing a date), you can try again (like by texting again)—but if she does so three times in total, move on to someone else.

How to Tell if A Woman You Met Online Likes You

Manson’s recommendations assume that you meet the woman in person. How can you tell if a woman you matched with online is genuinely interested? In The Unplugged Alpha, Cooper suggests that one clue is whether she gives you her phone number: If she does, she’s interested, but if she tries to give you an alternate form of communication or keep the conversation on the dating app, she doesn’t intensely desire you and you should move on. The second clue is how far she’s willing to travel to meet you: A woman who intensely desires you will at least be willing to meet you halfway

After your first date, Cooper recommends you pay attention to her behavior. A woman who intensely desires you will have sex with you quickly, go out of her way to meet you, and respond to texts within a reasonable time frame. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t intensely desire you, and you shouldn’t waste your time on her—in other words, don’t give her three chances, give her zero. 

Assuming you do successfully schedule a date, how should you proceed? On your first date, Manson suggests that you schedule four to six consecutive activities—most of which involve something active and opportunities to touch. For example, you might get hot chocolate, walk through a holiday market, go ice skating, then grab donuts. The more activities you do with someone, the greater intimacy you build—and the greater your chances of having sex. You can also improve your chances of having sex by scheduling your date at night and doing the activities close to either your or her place. 

How Other Experts Suggest That You Approach a First Date

Other experts have different recommendations regarding how to proceed on your first date. Like Manson, Logan Ury argues that you should try to build intimacy on the first date. However, instead of scheduling several different activities that allow for movement and touching, Ury suggests that you do something creative together: You’ll have fun and learn whether your date has qualities that make them a good long-term candidate—like whether they persist despite challenges.

Conversely, in The Unplugged Alpha, Cooper recommends that you don’t try to build intimacy on the first date. Rather, Cooper argues that the first date is for determining whether you have a connection and whether you like her at all; you can start trying to build intimacy later. That said, Cooper assumes that you met the woman online (a topic Manson doesn’t cover), so consider following Cooper’s recommendations for women you meet online and Manson’s for women you meet in person.
How to Ask for Her Number (+ What to Do Next)

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Darya Sinusoid

Darya’s love for reading started with fantasy novels (The LOTR trilogy is still her all-time-favorite). Growing up, however, she found herself transitioning to non-fiction, psychological, and self-help books. She has a degree in Psychology and a deep passion for the subject. She likes reading research-informed books that distill the workings of the human brain/mind/consciousness and thinking of ways to apply the insights to her own life. Some of her favorites include Thinking, Fast and Slow, How We Decide, and The Wisdom of the Enneagram.

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