How is identity formed? What shapes how we see ourselves in the world? Where do we look for validation when key aspects of our identity differ from our parents’ experiences?
In Far From the Tree, Andrew Solomon explores how identity is formed through both inherited traits and those that set us apart from our families. He introduces the concepts of “vertical identities” and “horizontal identities,” showing how both contribute to our understanding of ourselves.
Continue reading to embark on the fascinating journey of how we develop our sense of self and find belonging in a complex world.
How Identity Is Formed
Our sense of identity—how we understand and define ourselves—is fundamental to how we move through the world. It shapes how we relate to others, the choices we make, and our ability to find meaning and purpose in life. This makes understanding how identity is formed crucial for anyone interested in human development, particularly parents who want to support their children in building a healthy sense of self.
Psychologists describe identity formation as the process by which we develop a coherent and integrated sense of self. Our identity encompasses aspects such as our personal traits, values, beliefs, and social roles. Solomon explains that the formation of identity is a complex, lifelong process that’s influenced by many factors, both internal and external. The classic question of “nature versus nurture” arises: When it comes to identity, our inherent traits and genetic predispositions play an important role, but the environment and social context we grow up in also significantly shape how we perceive and define ourselves.
Among these external influences, the acceptance and sense of community we experience can impact how our identity develops: Identity is socially constructed and influenced by the experiences we have with others, the social groups that we feel a part of, and the extent to which we find a sense of belonging. Solomon explains this is particularly true for people with exceptional traits or characteristics that differ from their parents’ experience and expectations.
| How Does a Sense of Belonging Relate to Our Sense of Identity? As Solomon explains, our sense of identity and our sense of belonging are deeply intertwined. We develop our understanding of who we are through our connections with others, while at the same time, how we see ourselves influences how we connect with others and find our place in the world. Sociologist Erving Goffman explores this dynamic in The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life (1956), showing how we adapt our behavior and self-presentation based on social contexts and relationships. We adjust how we act and express ourselves to fit the expectations of different social situations, which in turn affects how others respond to us and whether we feel accepted. In Stigma (1963), Goffman notes that this process is especially complex for people with stigmatized traits, who often face pressure to hide or downplay aspects of themselves to gain social acceptance. Geoffrey Cohen’s research in Belonging further illuminates why this matters: Our brains are wired to constantly monitor whether we’re accepted by the groups we want to be part of. When we feel we belong, we’re more likely to take risks, pursue goals, and engage fully in work, school, and relationships. Without that sense of belonging, we experience real psychological and even physical harm. This helps explain why identity formation and finding acceptance are so crucial, especially for people with traits that set them apart from others. |
Vertical and Horizontal Identities
While we each develop a core sense of self, our identity contains multiple elements, from our cultural background to our personal traits to our roles in society. Solomon’s framework explores how these elements relate to our family background. He categorizes identity traits based on whether we share them with our parents or whether they set us apart, which affects both how our families relate to us and how we come to understand ourselves.
Solomon calls traits we inherit from our parents “vertical identities.” These are the characteristics passed down through families, such as race, native language, and often religion. Parents typically expect and feel prepared for these traits: They’re familiar territory, reflecting the parents’ own experiences and knowledge.
In contrast, “horizontal identities” come from traits that make children different from their parents. Some of these traits are present from birth, such as congenital physical disabilities, autism spectrum disorders, or exceptional intellectual abilities. Others become apparent only later, such as becoming physically disabled through injury or identifying as queer or transgender. What these traits share is that they weren’t part of parents’ expectations for their child and represent unfamiliar territory for the family.
While children naturally differ from their parents in countless ways, Solomon explains that not all differences become meaningful parts of a person’s identity. What makes a trait the basis for a horizontal identity isn’t just that it differs from the parents, but that it fundamentally affects how a person experiences the world and relates to others. For example, having hazel eyes when your parents have brown eyes is a genetic difference, but it rarely shapes how people understand themselves or navigate society. Similarly, being somewhat shorter than your parents might affect you in minor ways, but it doesn’t typically alter your fundamental experience of life.
In contrast, having a form of dwarfism that makes a person significantly shorter than the general population becomes a horizontal identity because it profoundly influences daily life, self-image, and social relationships. People with dwarfism must navigate a world designed for taller people, often face discrimination and stigma, and may find community with others who share their experience—all factors that make this difference identity-shaping in ways that minor height variations aren’t. Such profound differences also often require families to radically adjust their expectations for their children and their understanding of what makes a meaningful life.
Solomon also makes an important distinction about how much agency we have in different aspects of our identity. While some elements of identity are socially constructed—meaning we actively shape them through our choices and how we present ourselves to the world—other aspects are simply part of who we are, regardless of choice or social context. We can’t change them, even if we want to. For example, a person doesn’t choose to be born with dwarfism, but they (and their family) do have some choice in how they understand and relate to this condition as part of their identity.
Why We Need Others to Understand Us
In exploring vertical and horizontal identities, Solomon reveals a fundamental principle of human psychology: our basic need for belonging and acceptance. This need plays out differently for vertical versus horizontal identities. With vertical identities—the traits we share with our families—we naturally find a sense of belonging at home. Our parents understand our experiences firsthand and can guide us through challenges they’ve faced themselves.
But horizontal identities present a unique challenge: When children have traits their parents don’t share, they can feel isolated even within their own families. From a young age, these children must look beyond their immediate family for validation and understanding of crucial aspects of who they are. Solomon explains that when others reject or fail to understand our differences, we struggle to integrate these aspects into our identity, often developing internalized stigma and low self-esteem.
This is why finding a supportive community becomes especially crucial for people with horizontal identities. When we connect with others who share our experiences—whether it’s other deaf people, other transgender individuals, or other people with autism—we find the understanding our immediate family might not be able to provide. These communities can offer guidance, resources, and coping strategies, along with the crucial message that our differences are valid and valuable. Through these connections, we develop a positive sense of identity that helps us face the challenges of being different.
Feeling a sense of belonging and connectedness with others is critical. Yet, because the trait underlying a horizontal identity isn’t shared by a person’s parents, children need to look beyond their immediate family to understand how to navigate life with their unique trait. Solomon explains that we construct our horizontal identities socially: While our identity isn’t determined by others, we need role models and mentors who share our specific difference—for example, other deaf people, other transgender individuals, or other people with dwarfism. These aren’t just any peers, but specifically people who can relate to and guide us through the particular challenges of our horizontal identity.
