Overcoming Codependency: The 5 Stages of Grief

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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How can you overcome codependency? What are the five stages you will pass through?

Overcoming codependency is similar to overcoming the loss of a loved one—you will likely encounter the five stages of grief. Don’t let the grief discourage you. You must pass through the stages before you can move forward with your more independent life.

Continue reading for advice from codependency expert Melody Beattie.

Move Through Grief to Acceptance

Another way to overcome codependency is to reach a state of acceptance. According to Beattie, acceptance means understanding and working with reality. Many codependents struggle with acceptance. They live in a constant state of uncertainty, robbed of physical, emotional, and financial security. As discussed previously, this means they hold onto what they do have even tighter. Unfortunately, this often manifests as rejecting reality and clinging to the past or a fantasy of how things should be. This will only cause them more pain.

(Shortform note: Living in a fantasy is dangerous. Your subconscious is just as affected by imagined events as real ones. The longer you focus on a fantasy, the more real it will feel and the more you’ll believe it. For example, if you’re in an abusive relationship and convince yourself that your partner will change her behavior on her own, that belief will become so ingrained that you can no longer see reality. This does not mean reality disappears, however, and ignoring reality means the situation and the codependent’s state of uncertainty will get worse.)

Beattie explains that dealing with reality means letting go of hopes and dreams, which is an incredibly painful process. But accepting reality is the only way to change your situation, and the only way to reach acceptance is to grieve. In this chapter, we’ll look at the stages of grief and some tips for how to healthily pass through them.

(Shortform note: Some people confuse acceptance with approval. If you were told to accept that your husband was abusive, you might balk at the idea. But this does not mean allowing the abuse to continue. Acceptance is about the past, and it allows you to work to change reality as well as understand it, while approval is about the future and what you will or won’t allow.)

Why Letting Go of Hopes and Dreams Hurts

Why does letting go of hopes and dreams hurt so much? Beattie doesn’t say, but Christian Jarrett suggests it’s because your aspirations, especially long-term ones, are part of your identity. As such, they’re a major part of your sense of security. The classic children’s question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” is a prime example. Children say, “I want to be a firefighter! I want to be an astronaut! I want to be an actor!”

These children have a picture of themselves in their heads based on a dream. This picture strengthens when they start working toward that dream, whether they’re taking extra science classes or joining a theater troupe. Letting go of this dream and image of themselves feels like losing a part of themselves, which is why grieving for that lost part is so important.

The Five Stages of Grief

Beattie explains that there are five stages to grief. You must pass through all of them before you can move past a loss or painful experience. Let’s look at the five stages.

1. Denial

Denial is the stage that most codependents live in, Beattie explains. People in denial are clinging to the way things were or how they imagined things could be. They don’t allow themselves to see or process reality.

Denial is a defense mechanism that prevents you from being overwhelmed when you’re emotionally fragile, Beattie says. Denial keeps you functioning until reality can safely filter through. Unfortunately, many codependents don’t reach that level of safety, so they never leave this stage. After the initial shock period is over, denial starts becoming more dangerous than the truth. Ignoring problems makes them worse, and the more repressed a problem is, the harder it is to heal.

(Shortform note: As discussed above, people cling to their dreams because they are part of their identity. While denial is a good temporary safety net from the pain of losing that identity, you need a long-term safety net too, made of other goals and backup plans. People who are able to recognize an impossible goal and pursue a more reasonable goal instead are happier. This doesn’t mean giving up your dream entirely. If you dreamed of being an actor, you could join community theater, even if you’ll never perform on Broadway. Let go of the impossible, channel your energy in productive ways, and you’ll be more fulfilled as a person.)

How to Overcome Denial

Overcoming denial is important because it becomes dangerous once the initial shock period is over. So how can you escape denial? Beattie doesn’t say, but these methods might be helpful:

1. Ask yourself why you’re so afraid to face the problem head-on. Acknowledging your fears makes them more manageable.
2. Make a pros and cons list of accepting the situation vs ignoring it. You’ll see that ignoring it is ultimately worse, which will push you toward acceptance.
3. Confide in someone objective. If you can’t overcome denial yourself, ask for help.

2. Anger

Once you overcome denial and acknowledge the painful information, Beattie states that you turn to anger. You are angry because something has been taken from you. You feel slighted, used, and lost, and you turn to anger because it feels safer than being sad.

(Shortform note: Anger feels safer than sadness because sadness makes you feel helpless and vulnerable, whereas anger provides a sense of power and control. If you focus on being angry at the person who hurt you, you’re not focusing on how their actions hurt you. However, turning sadness into anger does not make the sadness go away: It merely hides it. Eventually, you have to feel the sadness, and relying on anger just damages your relationships along the way.)

The anger stage of grief is why proving people wrong is a perilous activity, Beattie explains. You’re taking a measure of knowledge and confidence away from them, and anger will naturally follow. You may think it’s reasonable for the other person to move right into acceptance, especially if the loss doesn’t seem important, but that’s not how acceptance works.

(Shortform note: While correcting someone can be dangerous, there are times when it is necessary. When not correcting someone would spread misinformation, it is better to correct them. Your correction should be kind, helpful, and delivered in a way that deflects embarrassment.)

3. Bargaining

If denial is trying to put off reality, bargaining is trying to make sure reality doesn’t affect you, Beattie argues. You believe if you can strike the right deal, you won’t have to deal with the loss you’ve suffered. Sometimes bargaining is helpful: It helps you identify steps you can take to fix a problem. Most of the time, though, there is little connection between your actions and the reality you’re trying to prevent.

Overcoming Codependency: The 5 Stages of Grief