What feelings do you truly want to experience in your daily life? How can you set meaningful goals that align with those desired feelings?
Desire Mapping, a revolutionary approach to goal-setting introduced in Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map, turns traditional goal-setting on its head. Instead of chasing achievements, this method helps you pursue Goals With Soul by focusing first on how you want to feel.
Continue reading to discover a more authentic and fulfilling way to pursue your dreams—one that prioritizes your emotional well-being every step of the way.
Desire Mapping for Goals With Soul
You can use desire and your other feelings to set “Goals With Soul”—long-term goals that are in line with who you are and what you really want out of life. LaPorte says that most people approach goal-setting with the wrong perspective: They specify things they want to do, believing that achieving those goals will make them feel certain ways. For example, someone might set the goal of becoming a millionaire because they expect wealth to make them feel safe and secure. The problem with this approach is that, even if the person is correct about wealth giving them the desired feeling of safety, they’re likely to be unhappy throughout the long process of building that wealth.
Therefore, LaPorte argues that you should set goals regarding how you want to feel, not specific things you want to achieve. By taking this “Desire Mapping” approach, you’ll ensure that you feel good while pursuing your goals, not just after you achieve them. Furthermore, because you’re acting in ways that align with your genuine interests and personality, you’re likely to find that you’re more successful than you were while pursuing goals based on traditional metrics of “success.”
| Process Goals Versus Outcome Goals Although she doesn’t use this term, LaPorte is urging you to set outcome goals. This means that she wants you to start with a desired outcome (how you want to feel), then work backwards to figure out how to reach that result. In contrast, process goals are those that you believe will get you closer to whatever outcome you really desire. For example, if your desired outcome is to feel safe and secure, becoming a millionaire might be one of the process goals you achieve on your path toward that feeling. Experts say goal-setting is most effective when you use a combination of process goals and outcome goals. This strategy allows you to reap the benefits of concrete, achievable process goals with the “big picture” focus of outcome goals. To set both kinds of goals, start with an outcome goal—the feeling you really desire—and then set smaller process goals building up to that outcome. LaPorte might say your process goals should be focused on feelings rather than achievements, too—so if you want to feel safe and secure, you might start with process goals like cultivating a sense of trust in your ability to handle challenges and a feeling of groundedness in your daily life. |
Now, we’ll discuss LaPorte’s advice for getting in touch with your feelings so you know what you really desire, setting specific goals based on those desires, pursuing those goals effectively.
Step 1: Connect With Your Feelings
LaPorte says that you should set goals that reflect who you are and fulfill your deep-seated desires, but you may find that you don’t really know who you are and what you want. Therefore, the first step in this process is to conduct a thorough examination of yourself.
LaPorte offers a series of questions that help get you into a reflective mindset and connect with your deepest feelings and desires. She encourages you to answer each question with a sentence or two. A few of these questions include:
- What are your values? Think about which personal qualities are most important to you and which qualities you can’t stand in yourself or others. Alternatively, consider which core beliefs (religious or secular) guide your day-to-day actions.
- What brings you joy? For example, this might be a loved one or a pet, a certain activity that you really enjoy, or a material possession that’s very important to you.
- What do you naturally excel at? Think about where your natural talents and interests lie.
- Why do you push through difficult situations? Note that the question is not how, but why—think about what keeps you going when you’re frustrated, tired, or upset.
- What do you want more of in your life? LaPorte urges you to think of answers beyond “time” and “money,” because those things are just means to an end. For example, if you feel lonely, then you likely want more love in your life; if you’re often bored, then perhaps you want more purpose.
Self-Connection and Self-Reflection Are Ongoing Processes
LaPorte adds that recognizing and connecting with your innermost feelings is an everyday practice, not just something you do once and then forget about. She encourages developing emotional literacy through various means like art, music, and literature—indulge in experiences that evoke strong feelings inside of you, and pay attention to what those feelings are.
You can also learn more about emotions through your interactions with other people. Those experiences not only give you the opportunity to reflect on your own feelings but to study other people’s emotional responses as well.
Recall that your feelings, whether positive or negative, give you important feedback about the situations you find yourself in and the actions you take. Therefore, LaPorte urges you to pay continual special attention to the things that make you feel grateful as you go through your daily life—like your family and friends, your job, your hobbies, your health, and so on. Anything that you feel grateful for is fulfilling some deep-seated desire, even if you aren’t yet sure what that desire is.
You should also pay attention to what brings up feelings of frustration, dread, or boredom. LaPorte says such feelings are signs that some part of your life isn’t aligned with your true desires. It’s not always possible to change those parts of your life right away—for example, even if you dread going to work, you’re most likely not in a position to simply quit without first lining up a new source of income—but this is still important information that warrants further consideration.
Step 2: Think About How You Want to Feel
After asking yourself a few questions to get into a self-reflective mindset, the next step is to determine how you want to feel. In other words, what emotions do you most desire to experience?LaPorte suggests choosing three to five words that reflect how you’d like to feel every day, in all aspects of your life: your work life, your home life, your local community, and so on. To do this, start by brainstorming desired feelings in each life area. Next, look for words or themes your lists for each area have in common. Finally, distill your desired feelings down to an essential few that you want to experience every day, no matter what you’re doing.
To give a brief example of LaPorte’s process, someone might come up with the following desired feelings:
- Home: Peace, joy, connection
- Work: Importance, engagement, usefulness
- Community: Belonging, support, fun
The person could then determine that “connection,” “engagement,” and “fun” have a common theme of being interested in what’s around them. This suggests that they want all aspects of their life to hold their full attention. This person might then choose the word interest as one of their desired feelings.
Step 3: Pursue Your Desired Feelings
Once you’ve identified three to five feelings as your overall goals, the final step is to pursue those feelings. Consider what actions, possessions, experiences, or achievements would cause you to feel the ways you want to feel. LaPorte advises you to come up with a well-rounded strategy that involves yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily actions.
First of all, set three or four major intentions for the year. These are long-term objectives that will help you to build the life you want and feel how you want to feel. For instance, if you want to feel confident, one of your goals for the year might be to lose 30 pounds. In this hypothetical, perhaps you’ve determined that losing weight will make you more attractive, which in turn will make you feel more confident.
Next, says LaPorte, set a time each month to check in with yourself. Determine which parts of your strategy are working for you—in other words, what you’re doing that actually produces your desired feelings—and which parts aren’t working. Tweak your plans as needed.
Suppose that you want to lose weight but find that you dread going to the gym. In that case, you might update your plan by replacing the gym with a more enjoyable form of exercise, such as joining a community sports team or a martial arts school.
LaPorte also suggests making weekly action plans for yourself. Remember that you’re planning how you’ll generate particular feelings, not how you’ll accomplish specific goals. So your action plan for feeling confident would probably include a healthy meal plan and your exercise routine for the week, but it might also include going to the library to pick up a book about self-esteem.
Finally, says LaPorte, look for small things you can do or experience each day that generate your desired emotional states. For example, if your goal is to feel more confident, you might try intentionally choosing outfits that make you feel attractive—that way, when you catch sight of yourself in the mirror throughout the day, you feel a burst of confidence.
Be Self-Assured and Practical
LaPorte encourages you to be confident about your desires and goals: Don’t sabotage yourself (or allow others to sabotage you) with thoughts that your desires are unimportant or unrealistic. Happiness and life satisfaction are always worth pursuing, regardless of what that pursuit looks like for you. Seeking excitement as, say, a traveling performer is just as valid as seeking stability as a corporate CEO.
At the same time, LaPorte says that you must be realistic about your plans. Everybody has limits to what they can do—you might be constrained by your budget, your work schedule, your health, or countless other factors. So it’s important to pursue your desired feelings in ways that are reasonable given your situation.
For example, if you work a full-time job and have family members relying on you, then pursuing a feeling of calmness by going on a year-long spiritual retreat is most likely not in the cards for you. On the other hand, you could very reasonably pursue that same feeling by practicing meditation at home, buying a good set of earplugs to shut out noise when needed, and making time each week to rest and relax.
Exercise: Desire Mapping
Now that you’re familiar with LaPorte’s ideas about desires, feelings, and how they can guide your actions, think about your views on emotion. Also, consider how you want to feel and how you can create that feeling for yourself.
- How do you view your emotions? For instance, perhaps you believe that feelings are unreliable and should be suppressed in favor of pure rational thought. Or, at the opposite extreme, perhaps you overvalue every fleeting desire and good feeling instead of focusing on the emotions that remain stable over time.
- What’s one feeling that you desire to experience throughout your life? Spend as much or as little time on this question as you like—you can always change your answer later.
- What’s one action you could take today to experience that feeling? For example, if you want to experience contentment, perhaps you could treat yourself to a hot shower and a quiet evening with your favorite book or movie.
