Why do some people end up chasing dreams that aren’t truly their own? What’s the key to identifying and following your genuine desires in life?
In The Desire Map, Danielle LaPorte explores how to distinguish between authentic desires and goals that others have chosen for us. She reveals how our assumptions and expectations can sometimes lead us away from what we genuinely want, and offers guidance on reconnecting with our true desires.
Keep reading to discover practical ways to identify what you really want and create a life that aligns with your authentic self.
Your True Desires
Following your desires can lead you to long-term happiness and life satisfaction, but LaPorte cautions you to first make sure that they’re really your desires. This warning is needed because many people find themselves pursuing goals that others have chosen for them.
For example, someone might follow their parents’ wishes by becoming a doctor and then feel unhappy in that role. This person is dissatisfied because they devoted their life to fulfilling someone else’s desire. LaPorte offers some guidance on how to make sure that you’re really pursuing your own true desires.
(Shortform note: Self-Determination Theory (SDT) offers one possible explanation for why following your true desires (as opposed to what someone else chooses for you) can lead to long-term happiness and life satisfaction. SDT proposes that psychological and emotional well-being comes from meeting your basic human needs, including autonomy—the ability to live independently and make your own decisions. Following your desires, as LaPorte recommends, is an exercise in autonomy. Conversely, following a life or career path that someone else has set for you inherently means giving up at least some of your autonomy—consequently leading to your unhappiness and dissatisfaction.)
Your own assumptions and expectations about your desires can also cloud your judgment, says LaPorte. These preconceived notions may lead you to chase things you don’t genuinely want or dismiss opportunities for real fulfillment. For example, you might know that you desire a career offering both creativity and stability, but you expect it to take the form of a high-powered business leadership role. Then you discover a love for, say, event planning—it fulfills your desires, but it isn’t the prestigious corporate role you imagined.
In this example, your preconceived ideas of what will make you happy (a high-paying, high-profile job) are at odds with the feelings telling you that event planning makes you genuinely happy. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, LaPorte urges you to dismiss your previous assumptions and, as the saying goes, “follow your heart.”
| To Let Go of Preconceived Notions, Ask Yourself “Why?” It’s often hard to realize when your assumptions and expectations are limiting your thinking. In A More Beautiful Question, journalist Warren Berger says that simply stopping to ask “why?” is a highly effective way to recognize and overcome such preconceived notions. To continue the above example, while you’re struggling with your newfound love of event planning versus the vision you’ve always had of yourself as a business executive, you could ask yourself some “why” questions. For instance: “Why do I picture myself in that position?” “Why not pursue this new interest in event planning?” Answering those questions will help you recognize the assumptions you’re struggling with so you can begin to resolve the conflict between your preconceived notions and your emotions. |
