Why You Should Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Happy Sexy Millionaire" by Steven Bartlett. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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How can you stop comparing yourself to others? Why is it so important to stop?

According to Steven Bartlett, you can’t find happiness, love, and wealth by simply following three steps and a hack or two. In Happy Sexy Millionaire, he explains why the internet, social media, and algorithms have dazzled you into comparing yourself to others and why it’s important to stop.

Keep reading for Bartlett’s advice on how to stop comparing yourself to others.

Why Should You Stop Comparing?

In his book, Happy Sexy Millionaire, Steven Bartlett says that chasing after inauthentic, meaningless goals has left us lost, and that to feel content, successful, and loved, we have to first find ourselves again. He argues that society has brainwashed us into wanting things that were never our goals in the first place. According to him, you then feel inferior when you don’t achieve those goals because you’re comparing your life to others. In this article, we’ll examine how warped societal pressures have led us astray, and how you can stop comparing yourself to others by finding your way back to your true self, according to Bartlett’s advice.

Know That You’re Enough

Bartlett says that fulfillment is something that exists within you here and now—it’s not some elusive thing you achieve when you reach a certain level of success. He argues that we’re born “enough,” but society bombards us with messages that say we’re inadequate and need to fix ourselves. For example, corporations sell us things they say we need, schools and universities tell us we have to ascend to a more elevated level, and social media influencers say that we should do what they do to have a better life.

(Shortform note: In You Are a Badass, Jen Sincero agrees with Bartlett’s assertion that you’re born “enough” and takes it a step further, arguing that you were born—and will always be—a badass. Sincero contends that the universe loves you unconditionally, wants you to see in yourself what it sees in you, and wants to give you everything you desire—including happiness. She says that we all get to choose our perception of reality, and that when you have insecure moments, you should try looking at yourself from the perspective of someone who admires you and sees your potential and talents. Doing this will counter your negative feelings and make you your own biggest fan.)

Bartlett believes it’s important to stop comparing yourself to others, arguing that when we compare who we are, what we do, and what we have to other people, it makes us miserable. This is because we don’t know that anything’s “wrong” with us until we see other people who appear happier, more attractive, more satisfied in their relationships, and more successful than we are. But, he says, nothing in the world actually has value until you assign meaning to it and compare it to something else. So, when you compare yourself to others, like someone who appears more successful than you, you feel insecure, worthless, and powerless. Conversely, when you compare yourself to people who appear less successful than you, you experience a temporary feeling of pleasure that disappears. It’s important to note that pleasure, a fleeting feeling, is not the same as the ongoing state of contentment.

(Shortform note: Bartlett discourages comparing yourself to others but doesn’t go into detail about how to stop doing it. Experts say you can step out of the comparison game by first acknowledging that you’re engaged in it. Recognizing that comparing yourself to others is a no-win game—because there will always be someone smarter, funnier, better looking, or richer than you—prevents you from getting trapped in it. You can also exit the comparison game by understanding that while it’s nice when someone pays you a compliment, that doesn’t mean you’re better than anyone else. Finally, you can free yourself from comparison by being yourself and doing things you care about, which will bring you true contentment.)

It’s Easier Said Than Done

Bartlett says that even though comparing yourself to others is meaningless, it’s nearly impossible to stop once you’ve started. This is because our brains can’t rationally process all the information that social media is blasting at us like a firehose. He argues that our brains aren’t rational to begin with because they’re driven by hormones, impulses, survival instincts, and emotions. These drivers regularly lead us to make reactionary decisions and chase goals that aren’t important. Our inability to think clearly about what truly matters to us, he says, makes it nearly impossible to live a fulfilling life.

Why You Should Stop Comparing Yourself to Others