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What if the goals you’re chasing aren’t actually making you happy? How can you set goals that align with your deepest desires and lead to genuine fulfillment?

In her book The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul, Danielle LaPorte reveals a new approach to goal-setting that focuses on how you want to feel rather than what you want to achieve. She helps you discover your core desired feelings and use them as guideposts for making decisions.

Read on for an overview of this book that can help you tap into the wisdom of your emotions as your internal compass for creating a more fulfilling life.

The Desire Map Book Overview

If you struggle to achieve your goals, or still feel unhappy after achieving them, it might be because those were never the right goals for you. In her book The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals With Soul, Danielle LaPorte says people pursue the wrong goals because they think too much about what they want to do when they should instead be focusing on how they want to feel. She explains that, by using desire as a guide, you can set goals that will bring you genuine happiness and fulfillment. 

LaPorte is an entrepreneur, self-help expert, and leadership consultant who has dedicated her life to helping people understand and harness their emotions. Her insights on emotions and goal-setting come from her personal experiences, extensive individual study, and decades of experience working with clients through her various coaching and consulting ventures. She published The Desire Map in 2014, and its success brought LaPorte into the mainstream of the self-help industry.

We’ll begin this book overview by explaining LaPorte’s definition of desire and why desire is crucial for making decisions and taking action. We’ll then detail how you can use desire and other emotions to set goals that really matter to you, and then work toward those goals in enjoyable and fulfilling ways. 

Desire Pushes You Toward Happiness and Growth

LaPorte begins by saying that desire is a powerful force that drives you toward personal discovery, growth, and achievement. This is because it pushes you to figure out how to get what will make you happy. 

For example, if you desire the security of a well-paying job, you’ll be driven to work hard and master a lucrative skill set. Alternatively, if you desire the joy of being in a relationship with a certain person, you’ll naturally try to learn about that person’s interests and work to connect with them.

We’ll explain how desire can guide you to long-term fulfillment and happiness. We’ll also discuss how peer pressure, and your own preconceived ideas, can drive you to chase things you don’t actually desire.

Why You Should Trust Your Feelings

Many people believe that logic is the best basis for decisions because it’s based on objective truths, while emotions are subjective. However, LaPorte says that your feelings, particularly the feeling of desire, are important supplements to logic in the decision-making process. This is because desire acts as an internal compass, leading you toward things that will make you happy.

The author clarifies that this internal compass works only with deep-seated, consistent desires. For example, many people have a deep-seated, consistent desire to feel useful, like they’re doing important work and making a positive impact on the world. If you come home from work every day with that sought-after sense of usefulness and importance, then your feelings are saying that your job is a good fit for you. If you don’t feel fulfilled by your job, your internal compass will point you elsewhere.

Notably, says LaPorte, deep-seated, consistent desires are different from shallow wants that change day by day. Pursuing those shallow whims will only leave you frustrated and dissatisfied because you’ll keep getting things you think you want, only to find that you never really desired those things at all.

Continuing the example, suppose you see that a leadership position has opened up at your workplace. You would most likely feel a strong urge to apply for that higher position—perhaps because it pays more or is more illustrious than your current role. Imagine that upon getting the promotion, you find that you’re only happy for a short time, and management work doesn’t provide the sense of satisfaction you had before in a more hands-on role. Now, your feelings are telling you that you gave up the job you truly desired for a new position that you thought you desired but is less suitable to your personal goals and interests.

Unpleasant Feelings Are Also Important Guides

Just as positive feelings help guide you toward what you truly want, says LaPorte, negative feelings tell you that what you’re doing isn’t aligned with who you are

Many people view negative feelings like sadness or frustration as problems to be solved. They might run from such feelings by immersing themselves in a hobby, suppressing them with alcohol or other drugs, or simply ignoring them and pretending they don’t exist. However, LaPorte argues that feeling bad isn’t a problem in and of itself. Instead, it’s a sign that there’s some deeper problem with your life. 

With that said, remember that your surface-level emotions will shift with your circumstances, and only the feelings that remain steady over time will guide you accurately. So, for example, feeling frustrated after a difficult shift at work isn’t necessarily a warning that you’re in the wrong job—it could just mean that you had a bad day. On the other hand, if you find yourself going to the bar every day after work to forget about how much you hate your job, that’s a clear sign that something needs to change.

Peer Pressure and Your Assumptions Will Mislead You

Following your desires can lead you to long-term happiness and life satisfaction, but LaPorte cautions you to first make sure that they’re really your desires. This warning is needed because many people find themselves pursuing goals that others have chosen for them. 

For example, someone might follow their parents’ wishes by becoming a doctor, then feel unhappy in that role. This person is dissatisfied because they devoted their life to fulfilling someone else’s desire. LaPorte offers some guidance on how to make sure that you’re really pursuing your own desires.

Your own assumptions and expectations about your desires can also cloud your judgment, says LaPorte. These preconceived notions may lead you to chase things you don’t genuinely want or dismiss opportunities for real fulfillment. For example, you might know that you desire a career offering both creativity and stability, but you expect it to take the form of a high-powered business leadership role. Then you discover a love for, say, event planning—it fulfills your desires, but it isn’t the prestigious corporate role you imagined. 

In this example, your preconceived ideas of what will make you happy (a high-paying, high-profile job) are at odds with the feelings telling you that event planning makes you genuinely happy. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, LaPorte urges you to dismiss your previous assumptions and, as the saying goes, “follow your heart.”

Using Deep-Seated Desires to Set Goals

You can use desire and your other feelings to set long-term goals that are in line with who you are and what you really want out of life. LaPorte says that most people approach goal-setting with the wrong perspective: They specify things they want to do, believing that achieving those goals will make them feel certain ways. For example, someone might set the goal of becoming a millionaire because they expect wealth to make them feel safe and secure. The problem with this approach is that, even if the person is correct about wealth giving them the desired feeling of safety, they’re likely to be unhappy throughout the long process of building that wealth. 

Therefore, LaPorte argues that you should set goals regarding how you want to feel, not specific things you want to achieve. By taking this approach you’ll ensure that you feel good while pursuing your goals, not just after you achieve them. Furthermore, because you’re acting in ways that align with your genuine interests and personality, you’re likely to find that you’re more successful than you were while pursuing goals based on traditional metrics of “success.”

Now, we’ll discuss LaPorte’s advice for getting in touch with your feelings so you know what you really desire, setting specific goals based on those desires, pursuing those goals effectively.

Step 1: Connect With Your Feelings

LaPorte says that you should set goals that reflect who you are and fulfill your deep-seated desires, but you may find that you don’t really know who you are and what you want. Therefore, the first step in this process is to conduct a thorough examination of yourself. 

LaPorte offers a series of questions that help get you into a reflective mindset and connect with your deepest feelings and desires. She encourages you to answer each question with a sentence or two. A few of these questions include: 

  • What are your values? Think about which personal qualities are most important to you and which qualities you can’t stand in yourself or others. Alternatively, consider which core beliefs (religious or secular) guide your day-to-day actions. 
  • What brings you joy? For example, this might be a loved one or a pet, a certain activity that you really enjoy, or a material possession that’s very important to you.
  • What do you naturally excel at? Think about where your natural talents and interests lie. 
  • Why do you push through difficult situations? Note that the question is not how, but why—think about what keeps you going when you’re frustrated, tired, or upset.
  • What do you want more of in your life? LaPorte urges you to think of answers beyond “time” and “money,” because those things are just means to an end. For example, if you feel lonely, then you likely want more love in your life; if you’re often bored, then perhaps you want more purpose. 
Self-Connection and Self-Reflection Are Ongoing Processes

LaPorte adds that recognizing and connecting with your innermost feelings is an everyday practice, not just something you do once and then forget about. She encourages developing emotional literacy through various means like art, music, and literature—indulge in experiences that evoke strong feelings inside of you, and pay attention to what those feelings are. 

You can also learn more about emotions through your interactions with other people. Those experiences not only give you the opportunity to reflect on your own feelings but to study other people’s emotional responses as well.

Recall that your feelings, whether positive or negative, give you important feedback about the situations you find yourself in and the actions you take. Therefore, LaPorte urges you to pay continual special attention to the things that make you feel grateful as you go through your daily life—like your family and friends, your job, your hobbies, your health, and so on. Anything that you feel grateful for is fulfilling some deep-seated desire, even if you aren’t yet sure what that desire is. 

You should also pay attention to what brings up feelings of frustration, dread, or boredom. LaPorte says such feelings are signs that some part of your life isn’t aligned with your true desires. It’s not always possible to change those parts of your life right away—for example, even if you dread going to work, you’re most likely not in a position to simply quit without first lining up a new source of income—but this is still important information that warrants further consideration.

Step 2: Think About How You Want to Feel

After asking yourself a few questions to get into a self-reflective mindset, the next step is to determine how you want to feel. In other words, what emotions do you most desire to experience?

LaPorte suggests choosing three to five words that reflect how you’d like to feel every day, in all aspects of your life: your work life, your home life, your local community, and so on. To do this, start by brainstorming desired feelings in each life area. Next, look for words or themes your lists for each area have in common. Finally, distill your desired feelings down to an essential few that you want to experience every day, no matter what you’re doing.

To give a brief example of LaPorte’s process, someone might come up with the following desired feelings:

  • Home: Peace, joy, connection
  • Work: Importance, engagement, usefulness
  • Community: Belonging, support, fun

The person could then determine that “connection,” “engagement,” and “fun” have a common theme of being interested in what’s around them. This suggests that they want all aspects of their life to hold their full attention. This person might then choose the word interest as one of their desired feelings.

Step 3: Pursue Your Desired Feelings

Once you’ve identified three to five feelings as your overall goals, the final step is to pursue those feelings. Consider what actions, possessions, experiences, or achievements would cause you to feel the ways you want to feel. LaPorte advises you to come up with a well-rounded strategy that involves yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily actions. 

First of all, set three or four major intentions for the year. These are long-term objectives that will help you to build the life you want and feel how you want to feel. For instance, if you want to feel confident, one of your goals for the year might be to lose 30 pounds. In this hypothetical, perhaps you’ve determined that losing weight will make you more attractive, which in turn will make you feel more confident.

Next, says LaPorte, set a time each month to check in with yourself. Determine which parts of your strategy are working for you—in other words, what you’re doing that actually produces your desired feelings—and which parts aren’t working. Tweak your plans as needed. 

Suppose that you want to lose weight but find that you dread going to the gym. In that case, you might update your plan by replacing the gym with a more enjoyable form of exercise, such as joining a community sports team or a martial arts school.

LaPorte also suggests making weekly action plans for yourself. Remember that you’re planning how you’ll generate particular feelings, not how you’ll accomplish specific goals. So your action plan for feeling confident would probably include a healthy meal plan and your exercise routine for the week, but it might also include going to the library to pick up a book about self-esteem.

Finally, says LaPorte, look for small things you can do or experience each day that generate your desired emotional states. For example, if your goal is to feel more confident, you might try intentionally choosing outfits that make you feel attractive—that way, when you catch sight of yourself in the mirror throughout the day, you feel a burst of confidence.

Be Self-Assured and Practical

LaPorte encourages you to be confident about your desires and goals: Don’t sabotage yourself (or allow others to sabotage you) with thoughts that your desires are unimportant or unrealistic. Happiness and life satisfaction are always worth pursuing, regardless of what that pursuit looks like for you. Seeking excitement as, say, a traveling performer is just as valid as seeking stability as a corporate CEO.

At the same time, LaPorte says that you must be realistic about your plans. Everybody has limits to what they can do—you might be constrained by your budget, your work schedule, your health, or countless other factors. So it’s important to pursue your desired feelings in ways that are reasonable given your situation. 

For example, if you work a full-time job and have family members relying on you, then pursuing a feeling of calmness by going on a year-long spiritual retreat is most likely not in the cards for you. On the other hand, you could very reasonably pursue that same feeling by practicing meditation at home, buying a good set of earplugs to shut out noise when needed, and making time each week to rest and relax.

The Desire Map: Book Overview (Danielle LaPorte)

Elizabeth Whitworth

Elizabeth has a lifelong love of books. She devours nonfiction, especially in the areas of history, theology, and philosophy. A switch to audiobooks has kindled her enjoyment of well-narrated fiction, particularly Victorian and early 20th-century works. She appreciates idea-driven books—and a classic murder mystery now and then. Elizabeth has a blog and is writing a book about the beginning and the end of suffering.

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