How to Win Every Argument (Without Damaging Relationships)

A stylistic image of a man and woman having an argument

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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Ever wonder how to win every argument without damaging your relationships? The key is approaching disagreements strategically—listening more than talking, asking questions instead of attacking, and finding common ground rather than forcing your viewpoint.

In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie outlines essential techniques for navigating conflicts productively. He emphasizes staying calm, empathizing with others’ perspectives, and being willing to admit when you’re wrong. These strategies help you resolve disagreements while preserving—and even strengthening—your connections with others.

Originally Published: November 24, 2020
Last Updated: December 15, 2025

How to Approach Arguments

According to Carnegie, getting others to like you and giving them feedback without harming their sense of importance will get you far in life. However, sometimes you’ll run into conflicts with others that can’t be resolved without having a discussion or an argument. If done poorly, these disagreements can interfere with your relationships or what you and others need to accomplish. Carnegie provides some techniques for how to win arguments without undoing your efforts to win people over.

Listen

First and foremost, Carnegie advises you to listen well. Let the other person fully express their point of view. Do not interrupt as they’re speaking, and don’t argue. This is not only a way to earn their favor, as mentioned earlier, but it also helps you connect with the other person in a disagreement.

Additionally, Carnegie emphasizes that you should be gentle in how you present your argument to the other person. If you attack them or their perspective, you’ll insult their sense of importance, and they won’t want to listen to you. Instead, keep the discussion relaxed and casual. Don’t lose your temper. Staying calm and collected reflects well on your character, whereas losing control makes you seem petty and small.

(Shortform note: You’re more likely to interrupt, argue, attack the other person’s perspective, or lose your temper if you approach the disagreement with a combative mindset. In The Anatomy of Peace, the Arbinger Institute explains that a combative mindset is characterized by biased, self-focused viewpoints that lead us to worsen conflicts instead of cooperating to resolve them. This mindset may come from a feeling of superiority, inferiority, entitlement, or a desire to be seen in a positive light. Overcome your combative mindset by being aware of your triggers and reactions, then recalling situations where you reacted positively. This can help you shift perspective and see the conflict through a different, more productive lens.)

Next, ask questions. Carnegie says that if you enter an argument by pointing out what others are doing wrong, or simply asserting that they are wrong, you’ll harm their sense of importance and make them less receptive to your point of view. Instead, get people’s input on what problems you’re facing and what solutions they’d recommend. Just like asking questions when giving feedback, this makes the other person feel important. It also allows them to reason through the issue on their own without you imposing your point of view—and they may just come around to your point of view without you having to argue at all.

(Shortform note: Asking questions of the person you’re arguing with can help to guide you through a conflict, but asking yourself questions can also be beneficial. For example, asking yourself if you can accurately communicate the other person’s idea can help ensure you truly understand their stance, which is essential for a productive discussion. If you can’t, you likely need to listen better as they express their point of view, as Carnegie advises. Additionally, asking yourself what would happen if you’re wrong can help you identify if this discussion is actually necessary—if the only downside of being wrong is that your ego would be hurt, then it’s time to move on from the disagreement.)

Be Understanding

Carnegie recommends that you make an effort during the disagreement to understand the other person’s argument and to express that understanding to them. To do this, empathize with the other person’s perspective, and make a genuine effort to consider their view of the situation. Then express sympathy for their situation and their perspective. Acknowledge that their feelings and opinions are valid, and let them know you’d feel the same way in their position.

(Shortform note: Carnegie recommends both empathy and sympathy in showing others that you understand their perspective, but it can be hard to tell these two apart. While people often use them to mean the same thing, experts describe empathy as feeling the emotions another person’s feeling, and they define sympathy as a feeling of concern for another person. Both empathy and sympathy can help someone feel validated, but try to avoid showing pity—a more shallow feeling that can come across as patronizing. To make sure the other person feels validated, avoid saying things like, “Your situation isn’t that bad,” or, “You’re being dramatic.” Instead, say things like, “That sounds very difficult,” or, “That would upset me too.”)

Carnegie also advises that you avoid telling the other person they’re wrong, and allow for the possibility that you could be wrong. Then explore the facts, and if it turns out that you are wrong, admit it quickly and graciously. Acknowledge that you made a mistake and make it clear that you want to make it right. Carnegie says this will disarm the other person and preemptively assuage any hostility they may feel.

(Shortform note: Following Carnegie’s advice to admit when you’re wrong can be difficult. When your actions (such as a mistake) conflict with your image of yourself (that you’re highly capable), it can cause cognitive dissonance. This is a stressful feeling that comes from trying to hold onto two conflicting ideas. The discomfort from this dissonance can lead you to deny or justify your mistake rather than change your view of yourself, which can be rewarding in the short term: It increases feelings of self-esteem and control. However, in the long term, it can harm your relationships and reduce your ability to grow and learn from your errors. In contrast, admitting mistakes shows others that they too can admit their mistakes without fear of blame.)

Additionally, says Carnegie, try to find things you agree on so you can establish a connection with the other person. Talk about common goals, and appeal to values like honesty and fairness. For example, if you’re having a disagreement with your roommate about keeping your shared living space clean, highlight some things you both agree are undesirable—such as pests, clutter, and expired food in the fridge. Emphasize that you know they want a fair division of housework, and that you want to share the responsibility equally so you can both enjoy the things you’ve agreed you want—a pest-free home, room to do activities, and a clean fridge.

Finally, express gratitude to the other person for disagreeing with you. Carnegie says that by devoting time to engage with you, they’ve shown that they care about the same things you do. Consider them allies who are trying to aid you rather than enemies trying to harm you.

(Shortform note: Appealing to common values and expressing gratitude to others for disagreeing are both qualities of a cooperative mindset—the opposite of the combative mindset described earlier. In The Anatomy of Peace, the Arbinger Institute explains that the cooperative mindset involves removing your biases, seeing others as people instead of objects, and acting according to your conscience. If you’re doing these things and still having trouble getting through to someone, try building relationships with other people who also want to help that person, nurture your relationship with that person so you can better understand them, and model trusting, unbiased behaviors they can emulate.)

How to Win Every Argument (Without Damaging Relationships)