How do you set healthy boundaries? What type of boundaries do you want to set?
Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura says that your internal feelings (your likes, dislikes, opinions, and intuition) inform your boundaries. Therefore, establishing boundaries begins with knowing yourself better, starting with what you want.
Learn how to set healthy boundaries and prioritize your own wants and needs.
Know What You Want
Knowing what you want and being able to ask for it is the first step in learning how to set healthy boundaries. But being nice often means prioritizing what other people want. When you become overly accustomed to prioritizing other people’s desires, it can become challenging to differentiate between your wants and the wants of others.
(Shortform note: Enmeshment is a psychological term that describes a relationship in which people struggle to differentiate their needs from the needs of another person. People who are in an enmeshed relationship may feel like they have no sense of self or identity outside of their relationships. They may also feel like they’re responsible for the emotions and wellbeing of another. Enmeshment can occur between friends, family members, or romantic partners.)
If you struggle to determine what you want, Gazipura suggests thinking about what you don’t want first, which is often easier to articulate. Once you know what you don’t like, you can start to consider what you want instead. For example, if you dislike the monotony of your current job, you might realize that you want a career that offers more variety in your daily responsibilities.
(Shortform note: People often find it easier to come up with what they don’t like because of humans’ innate negativity bias, or the tendency to give more weight to negative experiences and information than positive ones. This psychological pattern makes us more attuned to, and affected by, negative events. While negativity bias allows us to more easily identify things we don’t like, it also causes us to ruminate on minor issues, fret over perceived negative impressions made on others, and have our mood and thoughts linger on negative comments, even when surrounded by positive affirmations and experiences.)
Know What You Think
Knowing what you think begins with exploring your thoughts and feelings about things that matter in your life. But according to Gazipura, knowing what you think is only half the battle; you also have to acknowledge that your opinion is valid.
(Shortform note: While Gazipura highlights a challenge that many people face, women are more likely to doubt the validity of their opinions than men. Studies in cognitive psychology have shown that even though men and women have comparable intelligence levels, men systematically give higher ratings to their own intelligence than women do. This phenomenon is referred to as the “male hubris, female humility effect,” and often results in women doubting the validity of their opinion.)
Gazipura writes that being clear on your opinions is harder if you assume everyone else knows more than you do. It’s common (especially for people pleasers) to give other people’s opinions extra weight, assuming they’re smarter or more informed. Avoid confusing certainty with accuracy. When someone comes across as certain about something, consider where their information comes from. You can consider other people’s opinions without always deferring to them.
(Shortform note: Gazipura warns against accepting other people’s certainty, but neurologist Robert Burton also cautions against being overly certain of our own beliefs. He explains that certainty bias, a cognitive bias characterized by overestimating the accuracy or validity of one’s beliefs and judgments, is dangerous because it can lead people to make critical decisions based on unwarranted confidence. People are especially prone to certainty bias during times of confusion, anxiety, or information overload.)
Know What You Control
When you’re overly concerned about how others feel, it’s easy to feel responsible for their emotions. However, their feelings aren’t your responsibility—you can’t control people’s emotional reactions. Taking responsibility is also unrealistic and disrespectful because you unintentionally treat someone as incapable of handling their emotions. Instead, Gazipura recommends treating everyone as a fully functioning adult who’ll inevitably feel a range of emotions.
If you find yourself constantly feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, Gazipura offers several strategies:
1. Sitting With Emotions is a meditative exercise you can do anytime you’re feeling guilt or anxiety about how someone else is feeling. When these feelings arise, close your eyes and bring your attention to where your discomfort is sitting in your body—maybe it’s knots in your stomach, a constriction in your throat, or tension in your jaw. Breathe deeply while focusing on the physical sensation of the emotion, and then try to soften the area of tension. As you practice sitting with your own discomfort, you’ll find that it’s not as scary as you imagined and the feelings become easier to manage over time.
2. The Personal Bubble is a visualization that can help you stop taking responsibility for people’s feelings. When you first wake up, or as you go through your day, imagine a giant translucent bubble around your body. The bubble is semi-permeable, is in your control, and can let in connection, love, and excitement, while blocking judgment and anxiety. Imagining this bubble can help you empathize with others’ feelings without taking them on as your own.
3. The Pattern Interrupt is a practice of noticing your tendency to take responsibility, and then changing your behavior. First, notice when other people’s feelings are making you feel guilty or anxious. After you notice your instinctive response, intentionally introduce a new one. Maybe when someone else is feeling strong emotions, you take a few deep breaths, or say to yourself, “I am not responsible for their feelings.” The goal is to find a new behavior to replace the old one and implement it until it becomes a habit.
While you’re not responsible for others’ feelings, you can still provide support during tough times. Gazipura explains that challenging emotions often arise from unmet core needs such as certainty, connection, and contribution. He recommends asking questions to help others identify these unmet needs and explore ways to support them in fulfilling those needs.
