Are you trying to uphold expectations that feel impossible to achieve? Do you want to be more authentic?
Oliver Burkeman says that to find peace and happiness in the present is to detach from unrealistic expectations. To do so, Burkeman says you must accomplish three things: being your authentic self, letting go of your desire for permanence, and being realistic about your self-expectations.
Keep reading to learn how to manage unrealistic expectations and be your true self.
Detach From Unrealistic Expectations
First, learning how to manage unrealistic expectations means embracing who you truly are with all your imperfections, rather than trying to appear a certain way. Being inauthentic often discourages authentic connection to yourself and others. In contrast, being yourself and exposing your flaws creates a more supportive environment, argues Burkeman, which will bring more peace and happiness to your life.
(Shortform note: In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown reiterates the importance of living authentically, noting two major barriers to doing so—the fear of resistance from your loved ones and the fear of challenging societal expectations. If you find these barriers are preventing you from being your authentic self, Brown recommends reminding yourself that the consequences of living inauthentically are more severe than any criticism you might face being your authentic self—not only will it bar you from success and happiness, but it can also cause issues like depression, anxiety, and low self-worth.)
Second, letting go of your desire for permanence means enjoying the present without trying to prolong or improve it. All things in life are transient, so clinging to permanence is a waste of time and energy—and constantly worrying about how you can make things better prevents you from fully enjoying what you have right now. For example, rather than worrying about photographing an event to preserve your memory of it or convincing people to stay longer to stop the event from ending, embrace and enjoy everything that’s happening around you. This will maximize your feelings of happiness and peace while dispelling the anxiety you harbor over the situation ending.
(Shortform note: One way you can practice paying attention to the present is by actively looking for beauty and positivity around you, as Mo Gawdat suggests in That Little Voice in Your Head. Gawdat explains that doing so will keep your mind busy so you don’t spend time ruminating (for example, on how you could improve the situation), and helps you notice more things around you to be grateful for, which will make you happier in general.)
Finally, Burkeman says that rather than striving for your actions to have a big impact on the world and getting disappointed when they don’t, you should start appreciating the small differences you can make in your immediate environment. Burkeman believes that the former attitude stems from a fear of mortality—we’re afraid of being forgotten when we’re gone, so we feel the need to leave a legacy. In reality, Burkeman argues that in the grand scheme of the universe, our actions, whether life-changing or not, don’t really matter. So instead of holding yourself to unrealistic standards that leave you unmotivated and disappointed, take pleasure in the mundane things you can do to make a difference in your immediate environment.
(Shortform note: Marcus Aurelius echoes this sentiment in Meditations, adding that our actions make very little difference in the grand scheme of time and the universe. Therefore, to make the most meaningful impact, Aurelius argues that you should strive to benefit the common good rather than for success that only feeds your ego. For example, rather than aiming to get your business on the Fortune 500 list, strive to make enough money each year to be able to donate a million dollars to charity.)
