This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "A Radical Awakening" by Shefali Tsabary. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What’s the real impact of choosing one partner for life? How does our biology align with society’s expectations about relationships?
Psychologist Dr. Shefali Tsabary challenges traditional views on marriage and partnership, offering fresh perspectives on human connection and commitment. She believes that science and history reveal important insights about our natural capacity for lasting partnerships.
Continue reading to learn about the disadvantages of monogamy and why non-monogamy resonates with some people.
The Disadvantages of Monogamy
According to Tsabary, the notions that society preaches about monogamy and the nature of relationships contradict human nature. She explains why she believes this, and she identifies what she believes are the disadvantages of monogamy. She also shares some beliefs about marriage that she thinks are detrimental.
Tsabary believes that human nature is tailored toward non-monogamy rather than monogamy, as society preaches. Tsabary claims that the different biopsychologies of men and women support this claim—men are fertile all the time and can impregnate infinite women; therefore, their nature is to constantly seek partners to spread their genes. On the other hand, women are fertile only once a month and can produce a limited number of children, therefore they must be highly selective in their partner to ensure strong offspring—but each child doesn’t need to have the same father.
Further, says Tsabary, human tribal history shows that most communities were non-monogamous and that children were raised by the community rather than a mother-father unit. This allowed children to receive constant attention and care without a nuclear family. This community structure supported non-monogamy because it allowed adults to have relationships and children with multiple partners without negatively impacting child rearing and development.
Ultimately, our biopsychology and history show that humans thrived in non-monogamous communities.
| Evolutionary Psychology: A Case for and Against Monogamy In Sex at Dawn, Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá reiterate Tsabary’s claims in support of humans’ non-monogamous nature. However, they add to the discussion by providing support for the “standard narrative” as well—the opposing claim that monogamy is actually our natural state. Ryan and Jethá explain that the standard narrative is backed by two main assumptions. First is the nature of men and women’s reproductive goals. For example, women’s libido is lower than men’s, therefore sex is somewhat of a trade-off—she provides exclusive sex to one partner in exchange for resources and protection (she doesn’t have a desire for multiple partners). On the other hand, men are driven to have sex to spread their genes, but they’re only driven to provide for children they know are theirs; therefore, monogamy allows them to ensure this goal is met. The second assumption supporting the standard narrative is the difference in jealousy between men and women—women get jealous when their partners are emotionally intimate with others while men get jealous when their partners are sexually intimate with others. This difference in jealousy supports the previous two theories—men get jealous about sexual intimacy because it threatens their ability to ensure their offspring is their own, and women get jealous about emotional intimacy because it risks the potential of their partner giving their resources and protection to another woman instead. This possessiveness supports the argument that we’re meant to be monogamous. |
While Tsabary recognizes that non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, she emphasizes that simply accepting the standards of monogamy without introspection can cause major problems.
First, committing to one person for the rest of your life without question often causes both men and women to sabotage their happiness and fulfillment. Tsabary believes that it’s highly unlikely for one person to fulfill all your mental, emotional, and sexual needs for the rest of your life. Therefore, monogamy often causes people to suffer with unfulfilled needs by denying them the opportunity to connect with people who can meet those needs.
(Shortform note: Numerous studies support Tsabary’s claim, finding that consensually non-monogamous couples tend to rank higher in relationship satisfaction and commitment. One study from 2020 also reported that 42% of non-monogamous individuals believed that the diversity in their relationships allowed them to fulfill a wider variety of their needs, as Tsabary theorizes would be the case.)
Meeting these needs is important, explains Tsabary, because they’ll lead to a point of breakdown if they go unmet for long enough. For example, we may begin to resent our partner who’s unable to provide the emotional support we need. Or, we deceive our partner by fulfilling sexual needs they don’t meet outside the relationship without their consent. Whether we want to or not, our subconscious mind will drive us to meet our needs—it’s better to do so in a healthy way than in unsatisfactory ways.
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- The patriarchy’s impact on women’s sense of identity
- The destructive societal myths that dictate women’s lives
- How women can break the patriarchal cycle they were raised in
