How to Win Friends and Influence People Principles

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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Want to master Dale Carnegie’s principles from How to Win Friends and Influence People? The core of his lessons boils down to five essential principles.

These principles form the foundation of Dale Carnegie’s influential book, which has sold over 30 million copies worldwide. Whether you’re navigating a tense disagreement or trying to motivate someone to improve, these guidelines show you how to use Carnegie’s philosophy to build stronger relationships and influence others effectively.

Originally Published: November 25, 2020
Last Updated: December 14, 2025

How to Win Friends and Influence People Principles

These How to Win Friends and Influence People principles can help guide you through the book, and you can use the checklists to make sure you’re following the principles.

1. Carnegie’s first principle is that people want to feel important. This desire drives much of human behavior. By appealing to this desire, you can influence how others feel about you—if you make them feel important, they’ll think well of you; if you diminish their sense of importance, they’ll dislike you.

(Shortform note: Some experts classify the desire for importance as a need instead of a want. In Six-Minute X-Ray, Chase Hughes lists the need for importance as one of six social needs that many people have. The other five are the need for approval, the need for acceptance, the need to be perceived as intelligent, the need to be pitied, and the need to be perceived as powerful. While Carnegie only links his advice explicitly to the desire for importance, much of what he writes about also appeals to these other needs. Like Carnegie, Hughes suggests that you can use your understanding of other people’s needs to win their favor and influence their behavior.)

2. Appeal to the other person’s interests. According to Carnegie, the second key aspect of likability and influence is that virtually all people care more about what they want than what you want. This means you should appeal to their interests rather than focusing on your own. As you interact with others, keep asking yourself: “What is it that this person wants?”

(Shortform note: It can be difficult to appeal to others’ interests when you’re just getting to know them because conversation between new or casual acquaintances tends to be superficial and can feel awkward. However, research shows that we tend to overestimate how awkward conversations with new people will be. This may be because we underestimate how interested they’ll be in our lives. To bring more depth to conversations with new people and decrease any awkwardness, show an overt interest in their lives by going beyond small talk and asking deep, meaningful questions.)

3. Everyone has something they can teach you, and you benefit by figuring out what that is. This belief leads to a genuine interest and appreciation for other people.

4. Angry people are often angry because they feel unheard. Once you sympathize with them, they will soften their anger substantially.

5. To influence people to do things, praise and appreciation are more effective than orders.

Checklist for Arguments

Now that you know the principles, take a look at this checklist for arguments:

Control your temper. You can measure the size of a person by what makes her angry.
Instead, approach with an open-minded view: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I’m wrong, I want to be put right. Let’s examine the facts.”
Praise the other person for a trait that will help resolve the argument (e.g., their patience, open-mindedness, fairness, and receptivity to new facts).
Understand that the other person has a valid view of the situation. If you were born as them with their brain and undergoing their experiences, you would by definition feel the same way they do. Your job is to understand what led them to believe what they believe.
Express sympathy for their situation. “You have the absolute right to be upset. If I were in your shoes, I would be too.”
Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk through. Do NOT interrupt.
Ask people where they feel the problems are. Ask for their opinions on how best to proceed. Ask lots of questions instead of stating imperatives.
Look for areas of agreement. Try to build bridges of understanding. Talk about common goals and what you agree on.
When ready, ask a series of questions that will lead them independently to your conclusion. Start with undeniable areas of agreement, then build in layers to your ultimate point in terms they will agree with.
Emphasize how your position serves the other person’s interests and incentives.
Volunteer the downsides of your approach, and ask how they feel about it. They will tend to moderate your position and talk themselves out of it.
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you.

Checklist for Giving Feedback and Improving Behavior

Next, think about this checklist for giving feedback and improving behavior.

Praise and appreciate constantly, in the background, without asking for anything. This neutralizes any future sting of feedback.
When introducing a point of feedback, start by praising other specific things that were done well.
Introduce the point of improvement.
Talk about your own related mistakes, suggesting you know how difficult the task can be.
Ask questions instead of giving orders. What do you think about this? Do you think that would work? Ask for suggestions on how to improve things, to get them to have a personal stake in their own ideas.
Give the person a fine reputation to live up to. Act as though the trait were already one of her outstanding characteristics.
Make the fault seem easy to correct. Make it clear that it is not a matter of ability or talent.
- She already has the underlying skills; she just needs a bit of practice.
- Connect the improvement to something else she has already done.
Message the improvement in terms of the person’s own interests. Target what they care about (doing better work, getting off of work earlier, advancing in her career).

How to Win Friends and Influence People Principles