Why You Should Prioritize Connection During Sex

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Way Of The Superior Man" by David Deida. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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What role does connection play during sexual intercourse? How can focusing on a quick release ruin your intimate life?

In his book The Way of the Superior Man, David Deida stresses the importance of connection during sex. He asserts that you should be fully conscious during intercourse and aim to please your woman, and not just yourself. If your only goal is sexual release, then a woman won’t be satisfied with you as a partner.

Continue below for David Deida’s advice on practicing conscious sex.

Feel the Connection

The Superior Man prioritizes connection during sex over pleasure. He gives his greatest gift to his woman, matching her unrestrained surrender with his wholehearted ravishment.

Consciously, or Not at All

Your woman may enjoy making you ejaculate—she may even say she doesn’t feel sexually fulfilled unless you do—but when you ejaculate and lose your erection you disappoint her. She feels the loss of desire that accompanies your release—feels you turning away from her and detaching from your intimacy, as much emotionally and spiritually as physically.

Ejaculation without conscious choice or control weakens you physically, spiritually, and relationally. Your addiction to ejaculation prevents you from experiencing the full union of sexual love.

Most women have the capacity for multiple, deepening orgasms, each further opening her heart and spirit, releasing her fear and inhibition, and dissolving her consciousness into love. When you choose the temporary pleasure of ejaculation and retreat into disinterest, you subtly inform her that you don’t value the full depth of her openness. And if you truly prefer the transient pleasure of ejaculation over your shared unity of body and heart, why should she open herself fully to you?

When your woman sees that you’re satisfied with a quick release—that your goal is release, rather than a perfect union—you show her that’s your priority. That in all things, you will seek release over completion, and you will lose her trust in life as you have in sex. As long as you’re addicted to ejaculation, your woman will remain sexually, emotionally, and spiritually unfulfilled.

The Superior Man chooses—even in sex—to be conscious and aware, never compromising his ability to give his greatest gift to his fullest capacity.

Your goal in sex should be to achieve the highest degree of intimacy and sexual fulfillment available to you—your woman is giving you the gift of her full and open surrender; you owe her your greatest gift in return.

Practice Conscious Sexual Intercourse

The Superior Man’s focus is on giving. He gives his greatest gift at every opportunity—learning, practicing, and growing in sex, as he would in elsewhere.

The following techniques will be effective only if you practice love during sex. The natural energy of love guides the circulation of your energy in the most healthy way.

In sex with your partner, your attention must be focused outward: on your partner, your shared experience, and your love. Relax your muscles when you feel yourself squinching up. Breathe deeply and slowly when you notice the pace of your breathing increase. Feel the sensations of your partner more than your own. 

To fully realize the transformative potential of sex, you must recondition your body and nervous system. There are two steps to this: pelvic floor contraction and energy circulation via the breath.

Strengthen Your Pelvic Floor

First, learn to consciously contract the muscles in your pelvic floor: your genitals, anus, and perineum (the space between your genitals and your anus). When you contract the muscles in this area, focus on pulling it upward toward your spine, and into your body. It’ll feel much like trying to hold it on your way to the bathroom.

Practice this in sets of 15 or 20, contracting those muscles and holding them for as long as you can. Do it three or four times a day; eventually, it will become easy, and you’ll be able to hold it as long as you want.

Practice Circulating Your Energy

Practice breathing such that your inhale moves energy down the front of your body and your exhale moves energy up your spine. Breathe in this circle throughout the day, moving your energy so it doesn’t become stuck in your genitals or head.

Then, practice moving your sexual energy up your spine. You already feel it when it builds up behind and inside of your genitals, swelling and pushing to be released; this same energy can be moved upward instead of out. It may be easiest for you to do this on a deep inhale or a slow exhale. Experiment to see what works best for you.

At first, you’ll have to visualize it, but the more you practice, the more you’ll feel the energy moving. When the energy of orgasm moves up your body instead of out, you’ll discover a more pleasurable orgasm than the typical quick-release burst you’re used to. It’ll feel healing and revitalizing instead of draining and exhausting.

Combine the Two to Extend Your Connection

During sex, relax the front of your body and keep your breath full. Don’t focus on a particular sensation; feel fully and openly, and feel outward—even beyond your own sensations and those of your partner. Feel out toward infinity.

When you come close to orgasm, stop moving, pull your pelvic floor in and up, and breathe the energy of your orgasm up your spine. When you combine the pulling contraction with the breath up your spine, you should feel the strength of your erection as well as your need to ejaculate decrease slightly. Repeat this as often as necessary during sex to extend your connection with your partner until you achieve the perfect union you desire.

You may find it helpful to clench your hands and teeth and look upwards, though as you become more practiced you’ll find that breathing, feeling, and intending are enough to move the energy. As it shoots up your spine, enjoy the feelings, colors, and bliss that rain down through your body. Once you’re good at this, you’ll be able to feel into your partner as you experience this form of orgasm, and evoke the same feeling in them. Moving your energy upward will magnetically draw hers along with it.

Why You Should Prioritize Connection During Sex

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Here's what you'll find in our full The Way Of The Superior Man summary :

  • How to reclaim the passion in your relationship and enjoy true intimacy
  • Why authenticity is the first key in becoming a superior man
  • Why you should embrace your sexual polarity

Hannah Aster

Hannah graduated summa cum laude with a degree in English and double minors in Professional Writing and Creative Writing. She grew up reading books like Harry Potter and His Dark Materials and has always carried a passion for fiction. However, Hannah transitioned to non-fiction writing when she started her travel website in 2018 and now enjoys sharing travel guides and trying to inspire others to see the world.

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