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Why do people get embroiled in cyclical conflicts—both on a large and a small scale? Why do people often resist a resolution? Is a mutually beneficial resolution always possible?
We all struggle with conflicts, both on a smaller scale—in our businesses and families—and on a grand scale—politically and intergovernmentally. In all spheres of our lives, we see people embroiled in bitter, cyclical conflicts that appear to resist all efforts toward resolution. If we can learn how to handle conflicts more productively, our personal relationships and the world at large will be a better place.
In this article, we’ll discuss three conflict resolution methods that will work in any situation, from small-scale disagreements to large-scale arguments.
Conflict Resolution Methods
When it comes to conflict—no matter its scale—there’s always a solution. It might be a mutually beneficial resolution, a compromise, or a concession on one party’s end. However, people often don’t see (or are unwilling to reach) a resolution for various reasons: pride, grudges, and the unwillingness to acknowledge that they are part of the problem.
Moreover, conflict incites heated emotions, which cloud perspective and escalate the situation. With this in mind, the keys to effective conflict resolution are following a systematic approach and keeping a cool head.
1. The Strategy of Peace (Arbinger Institute)
Most people resolve conflict by trying to fix what’s going wrong rather than preventing it from going wrong in the future by addressing the underlying issues that have led to the conflict in the first place. This is a top-bottom conflict resolution method.
According to the Arbinger Institute, there are two main problems with the top-bottom conflict resolution method:
- It’s not helpful to correct someone who’s upset with you because they don’t want to listen. They’ve already decided you’re wrong, so even if you feel their reasons are foolish or invalid, arguing with them doesn’t help.
- You’re trying to correct things that have already gone wrong instead of being proactive and preventing them from going wrong in the first place.
The Institute discourages prioritizing correction because when you aim for the nail that sticks up, you miss the factors that pushed the nail out in the first place. Taking drugs away from a teenage addict won’t prevent them from accessing more, but a stronger support network and a more loving home might neutralize their need for drugs in the first place.
Instead, Arbinger Institute recommends a bottom-up conflict resolution method that focuses on addressing the factors that have led to the behavior as opposed to correcting the behavior itself. According to Arbinger, this requires that you adopt a “cooperative mindset.”
Resolving Conflict From a Cooperative Mindset
Arbinger Institute distinguishes between two mindsets of conflict resolution: the combative mindset and the cooperative mindset. When we embody the combative mindset, we view others according to how they affect us. When we embody the cooperative mindset, we see the person behind the other’s words and actions.
The key premise of the Arbinger’s conflict resolution method is to adopt the cooperative mindset by identifying and removing the biases that trap us in the combative mindset, rethinking the situation from an unbiased perspective, and then acting on your conscience. Once you’ve considered the situation from an unbiased perspective (as opposed to your original, one-sided perspective), your conscience will prompt you with a new sense of what’s right—one that takes both perspectives into account.
The core of the cooperative mindset is the choice to see those around you as people, to be curious and interested in their needs, burdens, and struggles, and to act on your internal sense of how to treat them well. When you do that and maintain it, you become an agent of peace, a voice that—even in conflict—pushes for a cooperative solution instead of an escalating war.
Your goal, as an outward-focused person—a person who consciously resists dehumanizing and objectifying others—is to build resilient, cooperative relationships. Such relationships enable you to correct the problematic behavior of others in a way that is considerate and respectful, and that will be received gracefully and without resistance.
This strategy can be visualized in the form of the Influence Pyramid:
Its bottom-up structure conveys the following lessons:
- Success in the upper stages depends on your investment in the lower areas; your ability to fix what’s wrong is generated by your dedication to helping things go right.
- The solution to a problem at one level is always below that level.
- Your effectiveness on any level depends on your mindset; your dedication to seeing others as people and treating them as such.
If you find yourself in conflict with someone, or if you’re working with or living with a person with whom you’d like to either avoid conflict entirely or proactively mitigate it, build the Influence Pyramid:
1. First, maintain a cooperative mindset. Get out of the box and stay out of the box. Everything that follows is predicated on this and will only be possible insofar as you’re not in a box.
2. While you’re out of the box, build relationships with those who have influence with the person you want to connect with. If that’s your child, build your relationships with the other parent, with their friends, and with their teachers. If it’s a coworker, build your relationships with their superiors, their subordinates, and their peers. The friend of your friend is your friend; in showing respect and consideration for the people they love, you show respect and consideration for them.
3. Next, work on building the relationship with the person you want to connect with. Stay out of the box as you spend time with them. Find out what they like to do, and do it with them. Be involved, be interested, and be engaged. Give them a judgment-free space where they can be genuine, and show them that you value their openness. Trust them, and show them that they can trust you.
4. As your relationship grows, be sure that you’re listening to them, that you’re learning from and about them. What are their burdens, struggles, and pains? What are their hopes, dreams, and goals? The more open you are with them—the more you stay out of the box—the easier it will be to do this. As you learn, you may find that there are things you need to change about the way you’re seeing them, the way you’re evaluating the problems you face in your relationship, and the way you’re behaving. Take these opportunities to reevaluate your strategy and adjust as needed.
5. At this stage, you can begin teaching what you know. By listening and learning you’ve mitigated the possibility that you’ll focus on lessons that aren’t appropriate to the other party’s needs. Your understanding of who they are and what they’re going through will show you where they need help and how you can be involved. The atmosphere of trust and communication you’ve built will foster a desire to learn from each other and cooperate with each other. You can teach your mindset, share your experience, and demonstrate what you’ve learned. You can show them why change is important and how it can help them.
6. Finally, if necessary, correct. Because of the way you’ve built the relationship, you can suggest behavioral and mindset changes from a position of trust and care. They’ll be more open to receiving guidance and feedback, and they’ll understand that your goal will always be to cooperate and learn from each other.
If you find that the correction isn’t working, return to the previous steps. Make sure you’re out of the box toward the other party, that you’re building relationships with the people who have influence over them, that your relationship with them is strong. Continue to be curious and interested in their needs, struggles, and goals. Foster an environment in which they can share those needs with you. Make sure they understand why it’s important for them to reevaluate their behavior. Check to make sure that you’re not missing or misunderstanding something, that the change you’re asking for is genuinely good for them, and then try again.
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