This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Man's Guide to Women" by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What are some signs of bad communication in a relationship? How do you know if you’re headed for a breakup?
Signs of bad communication in a relationship include frequent criticism of character, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Each of these factors can make it harder to peacefully resolve conflict.
Read more about what to avoid for a lasting relationship.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John and Julie Gottman elaborate on how poor conflict management can degrade a marriage over time. They use the metaphor of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from the biblical Book of Revelation to describe four negative communication styles that can cause serious harm to a relationship. These four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, all signs of bad communication in a relationship.
1. Criticism
This isn’t just voicing a complaint or critique, which focus on specific instances or actions. Criticism, as per the Gottmans’ definition, involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, usually with the intent of making someone right and someone wrong. It often includes blame and generalizations (such as “you always…” or “you never…”).
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- A practical guide to navigating the complexities of female psychology
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- Why you shouldn't stop dating, even after you're married
