This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Power" by Shahida Arabi. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What are common narcissistic manipulation tactics to look out for? How do narcissists keep their victims from leaving them?
The main goal of a narcissist is to gain adoration from others, which reinforces their feeling of superiority. In Power, Shahida Arabi describes the tell-tale signs of a narcissist trying to manipulate you into giving them that attention.
Keep reading to understand these tactics so you can be better equipped to deal with narcissists in a relationship.
1. A Pattern of Building You Up and Tearing You Down
A common narcissistic manipulation tactic is a repeating pattern of showering you with love, compliments, and affection to suck you into a relationship, only to then tear you down psychologically through covert and direct insults. Arabi says that this tends to end with the narcissist abandoning you in a cruel way, though they are likely to try to maintain control and start the pattern all over again with false promises of changing their behavior. Arabi refers to this as the “Idealize-Devalue-Discard” cycle.
This tactic is effective because at the neurological level, it establishes a biochemical addiction to the narcissist. The narcissist’s false charm and over-the-top expressions of love (what Arabi calls “love-bombing”) tend to make you invested in them quickly, and it leads to high amounts of the brain chemical dopamine that makes you feel good.
Arabi then says that when the narcissist begins to turn on you and withhold that affection, you’ll strive to please them to get back to that level of dopamine. By erratically flip-flopping between love and cruelty, the narcissist creates what psychologists call an “intermittent reward” that makes the dopamine rush even more intense when they finally treat you well. Arabi compares this to when people play slot machines, and they can’t stop playing because of the randomness of the occasional earnings.
2. Gaslighting
The next common manipulation tactic of a narcissist is gaslighting, in which the abuser makes you feel like the abuse isn’t actually happening or that your negative reaction to their abuse is unwarranted. Arabi says they might achieve this with blatant denial, like “That never happened,” or by feigning innocence and implying that you’re overly sensitive. For example, they might use statements like “I didn’t know you would get so upset about that—I didn’t mean any harm,” even when they intentionally hurt and triggered you.
Arabi explains that this tactic is highly damaging because it makes you question whether the abuse is really happening and makes you feel ashamed for being too sensitive or critical. This ultimately gives the narcissist more ammunition to harm (an additional insecurity to target) and reduces your ability to call them out or hold them accountable.
(Shortform note: The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1944 film called Gaslight. In the movie, a man tries to manipulate his wife into feeling like she’s going insane by changing things around their house—including dimming and flickering gas lights in the attic—and then denying that anything happened. Since then, it’s been popularized as a term for this common type of manipulation. Experts assert that the people most likely to use this tactic are those with NPD, borderline personality disorder, and sociopathy. However, anyone can gaslight, even without an underlying mental illness, and people can also gaslight others without realizing what they’re doing.)
3. Drawing You Back Into the Relationship
Another manipulation strategy narcissists use to fulfill their incessant need for attention is a psychological term called “hoovering”—or sucking you back into the relationship. Arabi explains that narcissists will try to draw you back in not because they have any genuine remorse for their actions or love for you but because they want more from you. It’s a way of testing your boundaries—how far can the narcissist push you and still be able to continue the abuse?
In one form of this tactic, once you’ve distanced yourself from the narcissist or after the narcissist abandons you, they’ll lure you back with apologies, lies about their remorse, and promises to go back to the way things were at the beginning of the relationship. Arabi says the narcissist may also prey on your compassion or guilt you into returning through methods such as threatening self-harm.
(Shortform note: In the case of someone threatening self-harm, it’s important to seek advice from professionals who can determine whether the person is at risk and provide support. In other cases, if someone’s trying to manipulate you back into a relationship, there are several strategies that might be helpful to resist these tactics. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller provide advice for ending toxic relationships, such as getting friends and family to support you through the process, making a list of all the reasons you ended the relationship, and making sure you have a new safe and cozy place to stay if you were living with the ex-partner.)
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Here's what you'll find in our full Power summary:
- A look at the severe condition called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
- How to avoid or end relationships with narcissists
- Advice for healing after narcissistic abuse
