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Struggling to connect with people or get them to see your perspective? Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People offers timeless principles for building genuine relationships and influencing others through appreciation, empathy, and understanding.
Published in 1937, Carnegie’s classic teaches you to become a better conversationalist, make people feel valued, and change minds without causing offense. The book’s core approach centers on sincere appreciation, talking in terms of others’ interests, and avoiding criticism.
(Editor’s note: This article is part of Shortform’s guide to friendships. If you like what you read here, there’s plenty more to check out in the guide!)
Originally Published: November 17, 2020
Last Updated: December 12, 2025
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Have you ever struggled to get someone to like you or listen to you? You may be going about it the wrong way. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie explains universal principles of interacting with other people to get them to like you and have them see your way of thinking. This isn’t about manipulation—it’s about sincerely appreciating people, believing they’re important, and treating them likewise. Using Carnegie’s advice, you can learn how to become a great conversationalist without saying anything, how to make other people feel important, and how to change other people’s minds without offending them.
Carnegie (1888-1955) was an American writer and educator on topics such as self-improvement, public speaking, corporate training, and social skills. His work led to the creation of the Dale Carnegie Course in 1912, a program that teaches leadership, relationship building, stress management, and more. How to Win Friends and Influence People, originally published in 1937 and revised in 1981, is one of the best-selling books of all time. Carnegie’s other works include Lincoln the Unknown, Little Known Facts About Well Known People, and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.
Principles of Likability and Influence
Carnegie outlines two essential principles that underlie his advice. Namely, he emphasizes people’s desire for importance and their investment in their own interests over yours. Using these two principles to guide your actions can help you increase your likability and influence.
People Want to Feel Important
Carnegie’s first principle is that people want to feel important. This desire drives much of human behavior. By appealing to this desire, you can influence how others feel about you—if you make them feel important, they’ll think well of you; if you diminish their sense of importance, they’ll dislike you.
People Are Mostly Interested in Themselves
According to Carnegie, the second key aspect of likability and influence is that virtually all people care more about what they want than what you want. This means you should appeal to their interests rather than focusing on your own. As you interact with others, keep asking yourself: “What is it that this person wants?”
How to Put the Principles Into Practice
Now that we know the two principles behind getting people to like you and being able to influence them, let’s discuss how to apply these ideas to different situations. First, we’ll provide tips for making people like you more, then we’ll illustrate how you can give feedback they’ll be receptive to, and finally we’ll explain how to disagree or argue with others without harming your relationships.
How to Win People Over
Carnegie provides several pieces of advice for how to earn the favor of others. First, he says, demonstrate understanding toward their emotions. For example, angry people are often angry because they feel unheard. Once you sympathize with them, they’ll soften their anger substantially.
Present Yourself Amiably
Carnegie also advises that you adopt a positive demeanor when approaching people. If you want others to enjoy meeting you, you must make it clear that you enjoy meeting them. So smile and show that you’re happy to see them. This will convey that you mean well and instantly endear you to others.
Establish a Connection
Carnegie says it’s important to behave in ways that will form and reinforce a personal connection with the other person. Be sure to use people’s names frequently when you’re interacting with them. No other word is more significant to a person than their name—remember it, pronounce it correctly, use it often, and respect it.
Finally, Carnegie says to listen well. Try to get others to open up, and give them your undivided attention—this will make them feel important. Ask questions that they’ll appreciate and want to answer. They’ll leave your conversation feeling like you’re a wonderful person to have a conversation with, even if you’ve barely said anything.
How to Give Feedback
There are times when you’ll need to give other people feedback. For example, you may have an employee whose work performance needs improvement, a friend who keeps inadvertently hurting your feelings, or a child who’s misbehaving at school. However, giving people feedback can be tricky because it can threaten their sense of importance, discourage them, or make them like you less. Carnegie gives advice on how to provide feedback to others in a constructive and productive way that makes them more receptive to what you have to say.
Be Generous
Carnegie recommends that you approach the other person with generosity to make them more open to your feedback. This includes being positive and giving praise so that the other person doesn’t feel defensive and is instead more open to your feedback. In practical terms, this means beginning by highlighting specific things they did well. Then, spotlight the point of improvement without making it an attack or presenting it as a failure.
Additionally, Carnegie advises that you let the other person know that you have high expectations of them because of their past performance, experience, or skills. Treat them as if the quality you’re encouraging is already something they do exceptionally well. This will compel them to live up to your high expectations to keep from disappointing you. For example, if you have an employee whose work has been lackluster lately, try saying, “You’ve always been a hard worker, and I believe you’ll continue showing this in the next month.”
Soften the Blow
Carnegie also provides tactics for making feedback easier for others to accept. For starters, when approaching someone about a mistake they’ve made, be open about similar mistakes you’ve made. This communicates that you know how difficult the task can be.
Also, when communicating what the other person should do with your feedback, ask questions instead of giving commands. Asking for their input makes them feel important and that they have a personal stake. Say things like “What do you think about this?” “Do you think that would work?” “Do you have any suggestions on how to improve things?”
Make It Sound Easy and Desirable
Carnegie also recommends that you act like the improvement you’re requesting is an easy endeavor. Make it clear that it’s not a matter of ability or talent, and as mentioned earlier, communicate that you’re confident they can do it. At the same time, exult in every small success to keep their spirits up. Say things like, “You already have the underlying skills, you just need a bit of practice.” Additionally, connect the improvement to something else they’ve already done, such as by saying, “If you can do this task, then you’re more than equipped to do this next one.” This will make the task feel less daunting and the other person more willing to try.
Finally, communicate the improvement in terms of the person’s own interests. As earlier discussed, people are mostly interested in themselves, so let them know how they could benefit from applying your feedback. Target what they care about (such as doing better work, getting off work earlier, making more money, or ascending in their career) and provide incentives that match those desires.
How to Approach Arguments
Getting others to like you and giving them feedback without harming their sense of importance will get you far in life. However, sometimes you’ll run into conflicts with others that can’t be resolved without having a discussion or an argument. If done poorly, these disagreements can interfere with your relationships or what you and others need to accomplish. Carnegie provides some techniques for how you can approach disagreements without undoing your efforts to win people over.
Listen
First and foremost, Carnegie advises you to listen well. Let the other person fully express their point of view. Do not interrupt as they’re speaking, and don’t argue. This is not only a way to earn their favor, as mentioned earlier, but it also helps you connect with the other person in a disagreement.
Additionally, Carnegie emphasizes that you should be gentle in how you present your argument to the other person. If you attack them or their perspective, you’ll insult their sense of importance, and they won’t want to listen to you. Instead, keep the discussion relaxed and casual. Don’t lose your temper. Staying calm and collected reflects well on your character, whereas losing control makes you seem petty and small.
Next, ask questions. Carnegie says that if you enter an argument by pointing out what others are doing wrong, or simply asserting that they are wrong, you’ll harm their sense of importance and make them less receptive to your point of view. Instead, get people’s input on what problems you’re facing and what solutions they’d recommend. Just like asking questions when giving feedback, this makes the other person feel important. It also allows them to reason through the issue on their own without you imposing your point of view—and they may just come around to your point of view without you having to argue at all.
Be Understanding
Carnegie recommends that you make an effort during the disagreement to understand the other person’s argument and to express that understanding to them. To do this, empathize with the other person’s perspective, and make a genuine effort to consider their view of the situation. Then express sympathy for their situation and their perspective. Acknowledge that their feelings and opinions are valid, and let them know you’d feel the same way in their position.
Carnegie also advises that you avoid telling the other person they’re wrong, and allow for the possibility that you could be wrong. Then explore the facts, and if it turns out that you are wrong, admit it quickly and graciously. Acknowledge that you made a mistake and make it clear that you want to make it right. Carnegie says this will disarm the other person and preemptively assuage any hostility they may feel.
Additionally, says Carnegie, try to find things you agree on so you can establish a connection with the other person. Talk about common goals, and appeal to values like honesty and fairness. For example, if you’re having a disagreement with your roommate about keeping your shared living space clean, highlight some things you both agree are undesirable—such as pests, clutter, and expired food in the fridge. Emphasize that you know they want a fair division of housework, and that you want to share the responsibility equally so you can both enjoy the things you’ve agreed you want—a pest-free home, room to do activities, and a clean fridge.
Finally, express gratitude to the other person for disagreeing with you. Carnegie says that by devoting time to engage with you, they’ve shown that they care about the same things you do. Consider them allies who are trying to aid you rather than enemies trying to harm you.
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Here's what you'll find in our full How to Win Friends and Influence People summary :
- The 6 ways to make people like you
- How you can give feedback to others and improve their behavior
- An essential checklist for handling arguments in a productive way
