How to Cope With Emotions That Accompany Grief

A woman sitting on a bed looking sad and stressed who is learning how to cope with emotions

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Life Is in the Transitions" by Bruce Feiler. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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Do you struggle to cope with emotions? How can you overcome the emotions that arise with grief?

Bruce Feiler’s book Life Is in the Transitions deals with overcoming major life changes called “lifequakes.” When changes happen, it’s normal to grieve the life you used to have. However, learning how to handle those emotions is an important part of moving forward.

Here’s Feiler’s advice for learning to cope with fear, sadness, and shame.

Cope With Your Emotions

Feiler’s strategy involves understanding and finding out how to cope with emotions that come up while you’re grieving the end of your old reality—particularly fear, sadness, and shame.

How to Cope With Fear

During his research, Feiler observed that many people had to overcome fear as they transitioned from a major life change. He names a few common strategies that can help with this. The first is to compare the discomfort you feel in your current reality to the fear of making a big life change. Transitions can be scary, but staying stuck in the same old rut forever may be even more terrifying.

(Shortform note: According to Ryan Holiday, developing courage—the willingness to do the right thing even though you’re scared—can help you deal with the fear that accompanies major life changes. In Courage Is Calling, he argues that usually, the right choice is the scariest or most difficult one, and you should embrace opportunities to disrupt your status quo.)

Another strategy Feiler recommends is to make a list of your goals, which can motivate you to overcome your fears. (Shortform note: In The Pathless Path, Paul Millerd recommends dealing with fear by making another type of list. He says you should write down the worst possible scenario that could result from a life change, steps you could take to recover from this, potential benefits associated with the life change, and what you’d miss out on if you didn’t go for it. This can make your fears more manageable by instilling confidence that you can handle setbacks and by shifting your focus from risks to rewards—which can be another way of focusing on goals.)

Finally, Feiler says you can choose to face your fears head on—for example, if you’re afraid of going back to school, you might decide to swallow that fear and sign up for classes anyway. (Shortform note: In Letting Go, David Hawkins offers two strategies you can use to face your fears head on. First, he recommends acknowledging that you don’t need to be afraid of fear and coming to terms with how your fears are holding you back. Second, he says you can reframe your decisions in terms of love instead of fear—for example, if you’re thinking about going back to school, focus on your love for learning or the positive impact it could have on your life and the lives of others, rather than on your fear of failure or inadequacy.)

How to Cope With Emotions That Accompany Grief