This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall B. Rosenberg. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What are NVC requests? How can NVC help you make sure that the other person understands the intentions and needs behind your request?
People often request what they need from others in indirect ways. However, this approach is unlikely to result in our needs being met. In NVC, requests are expressed in a specific, action-oriented way as opposed to vague and indirect statements.
Read more about NVC requests and how to use them.
What Are NVC Requests?
When making requests, we often assume others intuitively know exactly we want them to do. If they don’t, we often end up resenting them for not picking up on the underlying need behind the request. However, this attitude is unlikely to result in our needs being met. If you want someone else to meet your needs, you need to make specific requests using positive action language.
Request Positive Action
If you want others to meet your needs, it’s more helpful to request what you do want them to do than what you don’t want them to do. Making negative requests (like “Please don’t do that”) gives the listener little information about what you’re actually asking of them.
For example, imagine you’ve asked your spouse to spend less time at the office, and they respond by going out to eat with friends every night instead. Technically, they’ve complied with your request—but if your goal was to spend more time together, your need is still unmet.
Avoid Vague Language
Sometimes, people might make vague requests because they haven’t thought through what it is they actually want. For example, a father asking his son to “be more responsible” is making a vague request. If what he really wants is for his son to do exactly as he’s told, then asking his son to be responsible is really a roundabout way of asking him to be obedient.
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Here's what you'll find in our full Nonviolent Communication summary :
- How nonviolent communication lets you have more compassion for yourself
- Why nonviolent communication is the key to fostering authentic connections with others
- The 4 steps to expressing yourself with empathy towards others
