5 Common Communication Problems + How to Fix Them

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform summary of "Crucial Conversations" by Kerry Patterson. Shortform has the world's best summaries of books you should be reading.

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What are common communication problems? How do you know if you have any of these communication issues, and how do you fix them?

According to Crucial Conversations, there are many common communication problems that could be holding you back. Learn about common communication issues below, and how to solve them.

Common Communication Problems

There are many common communication problems that people encounter. You can have communication issues at work, or in your personal life, but often, these issues have similar sources. Here are fix common communication problems and how to fix them.

1. The Fool’s Choice

One of the biggest communication problems is the fool’s choice. Often when our adrenaline starts pumping, our brain function stalls and we feel forced to choose between only two bad alternatives. But this either/or belief gets us sidetracked and can kill dialogue.

For example, when a group of teachers met to discuss curriculum changes, one of them — an older, experienced teacher — digressed from the topic and rambled to the point that a younger teacher became frustrated and interrupted him rudely and offensively. The younger teacher made a fool’s choice — he was disrespectful because he thought his only choices were rudeness or not speaking up, thus allowing the unproductive conversation to continue.

But instead of focusing on only those two options, the young teacher should have set aside his emotions and asked himself what he wanted for himself and the relationship. He could have maintained his relationship with his older colleague, while also speaking up in a respectful way — helping the older man to clarify and focus his points, to add his meaning to the shared pool.

When you refuse the fool’s choice at an emotional time, and return to the question of what you really want, your brain responds with better options. You can share your concerns, listen to others’ concerns, and build your relationship at the same time. You can resolve many communication issues by doing this.

2. Your Style Under Stress

Another one of the most common communication problems is that people respond differently under stress. The most difficult thing to watch for as you’re dual-processing is your own behavior. Paying attention to your behavior takes a back seat — it’s hard to pull away from the lure of an argument, plus you have to be alert to others’ tactics.

However, you need to become a vigilant self-monitor — pay close attention to what you’re doing and the impact it’s having, then alter your strategy if necessary. Watch specifically to see whether you’re having a good or bad impact on safety. (Many people toggle between holding back and being too forceful).

To increase your self-awareness, think about what you do when conversations become difficult. When you understand your style under stress, you can find ways to improve your effectiveness in crucial conversations.

Your Stress Test

Here’s a quiz to see how you respond under pressure (using defensive tactics or dialogue skills). To answer the questions, pick a relationship (at work or home), and consider each statement in that context. Then consider which of the following behaviors/tactics you’re most inclined to use, and see if it causes common communication problems.

Withdrawing

When others become aggressive in conversations, I clam up.
I hold back rather than speaking candidly or giving my full opinion.

Masking (understating or selectively showing your true opinions using sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching)

Rather than say what I think when I’m frustrated, I may use jokes or sarcastic remarks.
When I have something critical to say, I try extra hard to soften the blow

Avoiding (steering away from sensitive topics)

I try to change the subject when people bring up something awkward.
I try to stay away from people I’m having trouble with.

Controlling: (hyperbole, absolutes, changing subjects, directive questions)

When discussing a topic that’s very important to me, I sharply counter every opposing view.
I might cut people off or change the subject to return to what I want to talk about.

Labeling (attaching a label in order to stereotype or dismiss someone or their idea)

When others make points that I think are stupid, I say so.
Sometimes I can’t help myself when I’m stunned by a comment, and I say things like, “Give me a break!” or “Are you serious?”

Attacking (making the other person suffer)

In a heated discussion, I can be tough on the other person; they may end up feeling I insulted them.
When the discussion gets heated, I have started saying things to hurt them personally, rather than discussing their points.

5 Common Communication Problems + How to Fix Them