This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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How do you get people to genuinely like you? Dale Carnegie’s advice boils down to three key strategies: demonstrate understanding toward others’ emotions, present yourself with warmth and positivity, and establish personal connections.
Carnegie’s classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People offers practical techniques for becoming more likable. His approach emphasizes understanding why people feel the way they do and demonstrating that understanding through your words and actions. Keep reading for an in-depth look.
Editor’s note: This article is part of Shortform’s guide to friendships. If you like what you read here, there’s plenty more to check out in the guide!
Originally Published: November 27, 2020
Last Updated: December 13, 2025
How to Win People Over
Carnegie provides several pieces of advice for how to get people to like you. First, he says, demonstrate understanding toward their emotions. For example, angry people are often angry because they feel unheard. Once you sympathize with them, they’ll soften their anger substantially.
(Shortform note: One way we naturally try to relate to others’ emotions is through emotional mirroring, when we automatically reflect other people’s emotional expressions (such as their facial expressions, tone, and body language) back to them. This can be helpful in demonstrating understanding toward their feelings, but it can also backfire, particularly when the other person is experiencing negative emotions. For example, if you’re speaking to someone who’s angry, mirroring that anger back to them can further escalate their feelings and leave you feeling stressed out. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and let them know you want to talk about them, but stay calm and collected on your part.)
Present Yourself Amiably
Carnegie also advises that you adopt a positive demeanor when approaching people. If you want others to enjoy meeting you, you must make it clear that you enjoy meeting them. So smile and show that you’re happy to see them. This will convey that you mean well and instantly endear you to others.
(Shortform note: Carnegie asserts that approaching people with a smile will convey a positive demeanor and happy feelings, but this may not be true in all cultures. In countries like Russia and Poland, people may interpret smiling as a sign that someone is less intelligent. Additionally, in countries that have high levels of corruption in society, people often interpret smiling as a sign of deception or dishonesty. In these contexts, a neutral expression might be a more appropriate way to signal good will.)
Establish a Connection
Carnegie says it’s important to behave in ways that will form and reinforce a personal connection with the other person. Be sure to use people’s names frequently when you’re interacting with them. No other word is more significant to a person than their name—remember it, pronounce it correctly, use it often, and respect it.
(Shortform note: Research suggests that there are neurological reasons that using someone’s name can be beneficial in conversation: Hearing your name activates brain regions associated with attention, memory, and identity. This naturally makes you more attentive and engaged. However, mispronouncing someone’s name can invalidate their identity and make them feel disrespected and alienated. If you have trouble remembering people’s names, make an effort to practice by repeating someone’s name back to them after you hear it, writing it down, and making sure you’re using the name the person prefers to go by.)
Listen
Finally, Carnegie says to listen well. Try to get others to open up, and give them your undivided attention—this will make them feel important. Ask questions that they’ll appreciate and want to answer. They’ll leave your conversation feeling like you’re a wonderful person to have a conversation with, even if you’ve barely said anything.
(Shortform note: Many communication experts recommend active listening, an approach that uses some of the same techniques Carnegie does: paying close attention, showing interest, and asking questions. Active listening also involves paying attention to nonverbal cues and paraphrasing or summarizing what the person you’re listening to says. However, critics of this technique suggest that focusing too much on how to listen can cause you to miss out on what the other person is actually saying. It might seem performative instead of genuine and could potentially irritate the other person. Instead of getting hung up on how to execute the listening process, try to convey a heartfelt interest and curiosity in what the other person has to say.)
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- The 6 ways to make people like you
- How you can give feedback to others and improve their behavior
- An essential checklist for handling arguments in a productive way
