What Is My Love Language? 3 Easy Questions

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform summary of "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Shortform has the world's best summaries of books you should be reading.

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In The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman shows you how to love your partner better and create a deeper emotional connection in your relationship. But how do you answer the question, “What is my love language?”

Your love language is either Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. To find your love language, follow three easy steps: reflect on your desires, reflect on your sore spots, and reflect on how you treat your partner.

Below, find details on how to answer “What is my love language?”

What Is My Love Language?: Why It’s Important to Know

A common question is, “What is my love language?” Understanding what love language you speak is just as important as knowing your partner’s language for the relationship to remain loving and happy. Even if your partner’s love tank is full, if yours is not, a happy relationship will be hard to maintain. 

You may find it easy to identify your language and that of your partner. Or, you may feel you speak more than one, and narrowing it down to a primary language may be hard

For instance, many people use the gauge of sexual desire to determine their primary language. For men, sexual desire is more biological. For women, sexual desire tends toward a more emotional sensation. Either origin may cause a person to assume their love language is or is not physical touch. 

However, a strong libido does not necessarily indicate a preference for touch. If you or your partner is very sexually active but can take or leave other forms of touch, Physical Touch is not the primary love language. Likewise, if you or your spouse is not overly interested in sexual intimacy but feels love most through subtle touches, Physical Touch may be the primary language. 

When you find your love language and adjust behavior to speak that language accordingly, you will begin to understand how to fill each other’s tanks.

Three Questions to Find Your Love Language

To find your love language is sometimes as easy as looking back at your life and relationship. Here are three key ways to figure out what your love language is.

1. Reflect on what you desire most or what makes you feel most loved

What you frequently want from your partner represents your need to feel loved in a particular way. 

  • If you are always seeking approval or recognition for who you are or what you do, you may speak Words of Affirmation
  • If you frequently initiate evening walks, Quality Time may be your primary language. 
  • If you keep and cherish small gifts, you may speak the language of Receiving Gifts.
  • If you feel overwhelming love when your partner brings home takeout, Acts of Service is probably your language.
  • If you melt when your partner touches you randomly, you probably speak Physical Touch.

2. Reflect on the ways in which you feel hurt or unloved

  • If little criticisms or jabs wound you and stay with you, your language may be Words of Affirmation. 
  • If you were disappointed when your partner didn’t bring you a gift from their business trip, you may speak Receiving Gifts.
  • If you wish your partner kissed you more, you may speak Physical Touch.
  • If you feel lonely, even when your partner is around, Quality Time may be your love language. 
  • If you resent always being in charge of dinner or bedtime for the kids, you may speak Acts of Service.

Similarly, to find your partner’s language, recall moments when your partner was upset or hurt by your actions or lack of action. 

3. Reflect on the way you treat your partner

The things you do to show love for your partner indicate a feeling that love is best expressed in those ways. How you show your partner love can expose how you want to receive love. 

  • Consistently helping with chores or performing little acts that help unburden your partner likely means you place Acts of Service at the top of the list. 
  • If you rarely touch your partner, you likely don’t hold Physical Touch in high regard for expressing love. 
  • If you are quick to compliment your partner or provide encouraging words about their life or actions, Words of Affirmation may be your language.
  • If you always bring home flowers or your partner’s favorite wine, you may feel that Receiving Gifts is the ultimate expression of love.
  • If you hire a babysitter once a week so you can have a date night with your partner, Quality Time is likely a priority. 
What Is My Love Language? 3 Easy Questions

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Here's what you'll find in our full The 5 Love Languages summary :

  • How to figure out what your love language is, and what your partner's is
  • Why arguments happen in relationships, and how to stop them
  • How to speak the right love language, even if it's not yours

Amanda Penn

Amanda Penn is a writer and reading specialist. She’s published dozens of articles and book reviews spanning a wide range of topics, including health, relationships, psychology, science, and much more. Amanda was a Fulbright Scholar and has taught in schools in the US and South Africa. Amanda received her Master's Degree in Education from the University of Pennsylvania.

2 thoughts on “What Is My Love Language? 3 Easy Questions

  • August 12, 2023 at 12:23 pm
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    Understanding your partner’s and your own language is the key to maintaining a joyful relationship. Let the melody of connection and appreciation serenade your hearts. 🎵💕

    Reply
  • December 4, 2023 at 4:18 pm
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    I still don’t understand what is a love language.

    Reply

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