This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Are your parents overstepping some lines? Do you need to set boundaries with your parents?
Setting boundaries with parents can be frightening, but sometimes it’s necessary for your own happiness. In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsey Gibson advises how to reframe your relationship with your parents so that you can thrive.
Let’s look at the key to setting boundaries with parents.
Reframe your Relationship
Gibson says that once you understand that your emotionally immature parent likely won’t change, your goal must shift from trying to forge an emotional connection with them, to finding ways to interact with them that aren’t emotionally damaging. The way to do this is by setting boundaries with parents who are toxic. Three strategies can help you manage and create emotional distance from your parent each time you engage with them:
Strategy 1: Enter each interaction with a clear goal. Setting a goal from the outset helps you take control of the interaction and redefine boundaries with your parent. For example, your goal might be to tell your parent that you can only talk on the phone for five minutes because you’re busy, or that you’ll only spend one night with them over the holidays instead of two.
Strategy 2: Focus on speaking your piece clearly and unemotionally. Expressing what you want rather than focusing on your parent’s reaction to you helps honor your authentic needs and feelings. This makes you less likely to be disappointed in their behavior and a step closer to building healthy relationships with others.
Strategy 3: Observe and manage each interaction like an outsider looking in. Observing your interaction with your parent from an emotionally detached place will make you feel less like a powerless participant trapped in an unhealthy relationship. For example, think of yourself as a researcher studying a subject. Silently note, in your head, how your parent’s tone of voice changes, how long they talk to you, and how you’d describe what they say to another person.
Challenges You May Face
Gibson acknowledges that it can be difficult to assert yourself in these new ways. Breaking out of a familiar role, showing your independence, and redefining the terms of your relationship will likely be uncomfortable for everyone involved. Even as you speak your truth, you may hear your parent’s voice in your head saying that if you don’t do things their way, you’ll be sorry.
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Like what you just read? Read the rest of the world's best book summary and analysis of Lindsay C. Gibson's "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" at Shortform.
Here's what you'll find in our full Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents summary:
- A look at the damage that emotionally neglectful parents can do to their children
- Strategies to help adults turn their relationship with their parent from toxic to tolerable
- Ways to heal and move forward from childhood emotional neglect
