Is finding the right partner online a numbers game? What factors truly matter in the dating marketplace?
The book Don’t Trust Your Gut reveals fascinating data on what people look for in romantic partners. Seth Stephens-Davidowitz’s dating research shows that, while physical appearance plays a major role (especially for women), men’s dating success depends on various factors.
Keep reading to learn how you can use data to improve your dating prospects and overcome biases in the online dating world.
Seth Stephens-Davidowitz on Dating
Information from online dating platforms paints a pretty clear picture of what people search for in romantic partners—some of which, such as personal appearance, are factors you can improve to raise your dating marketability.
According to Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, dating online can be summarized like this: Good looks are the most important factor, especially for women, while men’s attractiveness also depends on income and career. Drilling deeper into the numbers, he finds that, when trying to find a date online:
- Being traditionally attractive accounts for nearly a third of women’s successes at finding a match, but isn’t as important for men (though it still matters). What does count for men is height, with tall men receiving the bulk of romantic attention.
- Income is also a strong determinant of success, but is twice as important a factor for men than it is for women.
- Even more than income, men’s careers strongly determine their success at finding dates, with policemen, firemen, lawyers, and doctors having much more success than other professions. For women, career choice doesn’t seem to matter.
(Shortform note: Though Stephens-Davidowitz lists different variables to account for what makes men and women attractive, there may be a common denominator behind them—the “halo effect.” In Influence, Robert B. Cialdini describes the halo effect as a mental shortcut where we assume that one desirable trait, such as beauty, wealth, or a meaningful job, implies the presence of other desirable traits, such as intelligence or compassion. According to Cialdini, this affects more than our love life—the halo effect also determines who we vote for, which candidates employers hire, and even how well juries favor defendants in court.)
According to Stephens-Davidowitz, dating data also reveals significant racial bias in the romantic marketplace. In general, the numbers show that people seek partners within their own racial demographic. However, even when people try to cross racial lines, the statistics clearly demonstrate the levels of prejudice baked into society at large. In short, white men sending messages online have the highest odds of any demographic group at getting a favorable response. Black women, on the other hand, get fewer responses than any other group, which Stephens-Davidowitz says severely limits their online dating options.
(Shortform note: While Stephens-Davidowitz presents the raw statistics showing racial bias in the dating scene, he doesn’t explore the underlying cause. In Salvation, bell hooks examines the underlying cause and argues that in the US, loving relationships in the Black community still suffer from the legacy of enslavement, when families were deliberately torn apart to undermine African Americans’ social cohesion. Hooks argues that this began a generational cycle of emotional wounds and eroded self-esteem that continues to shape Black women’s experience of love and marriage—a cycle that can only be broken by rejecting social stereotypes and empowering African American women to reclaim their sense of self-worth.)
Spruce Yourself Up—Scientifically
Not all of the factors listed above are things you can change to improve your luck at dating, but the most significant variable—your appearance—is something you can control. Several studies Stephens-Davidowitz cites show that physical appearance strongly affects how people perceive you in all aspects of life, not just romantically. Research on people’s perceptions of faces makes it clear that we form opinions about strangers within an instant based on nothing more than how they look. However, similar studies also reveal that people respond differently to images of the same individual if the lighting is altered, if they have a different hairstyle, if they’re wearing glasses, and a host of other factors. What matters, then, is finding the right look for you.
(Shortform note: Stephens-Davidowitz’s data comes entirely from assessing how people react to photographs, but when you meet someone face-to-face, body language also comes into play. In How to Talk to Anyone, Leil Lowndes argues that your posture, smile, and eye contact send a constant stream of signals that other people use to form impressions of you within the first few seconds. Shortform’s Master Guide to Understanding and Using Body Language compiles tips from a variety of authors on how to adapt your behavioral signals—such as using open and friendly body language or giving someone your full attention during a conversation—while you also explore the following advice on how to adjust your physical appearance.)
The problem is that most of us pick our “look” without being methodical about it. This is where Stephens-Davidowitz says you should adopt a data-driven approach to your appearance. For instance, you can take a picture of yourself and use an app to see what you’d look like if you grew a mustache, wore different makeup, or changed your hairstyle. Then, instead of choosing what you “feel” looks best, save images of all your potential styles and use them to get feedback. You might ask friends for their opinions. When Stephens-Davidowitz did this, he used online survey apps to poll strangers. In his case, he discovered that growing a beard and wearing glasses greatly improves the first impression he makes.
(Shortform note: By Stephens-Davidowitz’s own admission, appearance isn’t as important for men as it is for women, but he doesn’t address the emotional weight of living up to others’ beauty standards. In Women Don’t Owe You Pretty, Florence Given writes that “beauty” is largely defined by what men find attractive, and that distorting yourself to achieve it—a process Stephens-Davidowitz presents as largely benign—is to bow to a system that objectifies women and pressures everyone to conform, giving up your personal identity in the process.)
Attraction Doesn’t Equal Long-Term Happiness
As much as the numbers tell us about how to attract a romantic partner, they also reveal what’s even more important—the attributes that make potential partners attractive have no impact whatsoever on a relationship’s long-term success. Stephens-Davidowitz says that study after study shows no correlation between what you look for in a relationship and whether that relationship will last. Therefore, the person your gut says will make an ideal lifelong partner is nonsense. Judging solely by the criteria that the online dating studies measured, achieving a happy long-term relationship would seem to happen entirely at random—but it doesn’t.
(Shortform note: The data from the online dating studies Stephens-Davidowitz cites may be missing a big piece of what drives your “gut” to pursue certain people. In Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt suggest that we’re drawn to people we believe will help us resolve the wounded parts of our childhood, usually because they unconsciously remind us of our parents and caregivers. If two people match each other’s parental ideals, the mutual attraction can be irresistible—and the fallout when things go sour can be severe.)
Exercise
If you’re looking for a romantic partner, in what way could you widen your criteria for what type of person you’re looking for, based on the data that most “attractive” traits aren’t relevant to relationship success? In what way could you scientifically make yourself appear more attractive?
