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What are the psychological consequences of low self-esteem? What are some steps you can take to cultivate a healthy sense of self-esteem?
People who have low self-esteem struggle to act in their best interests and often go to great lengths to please others in pursuit of validation, even if it comes at the expense of their own happiness. Luckily, your self-esteem is amenable to change, and you can improve it by practicing self-esteem-building behaviors.
In this article, you’ll learn about the importance of nurturing healthy self-esteem and some strategies for overcoming low self-esteem.
The Importance of Nurturing Self-Esteem
Having good self-esteem is a key ingredient for success. Research shows that the more self-esteem you have, the more likely you are to take risks that can lead to success. But if you focus on your failures, you erode your self-esteem and are less likely to take risks. For example, you might see a job posting for a customer engagement associate with a local software company. You’re relatively qualified for the job, but you talk yourself out of applying because you’ve never held a similar role, and you convince yourself you wouldn’t be selected.
You likely developed your sense of self from your parents, and they may have passed along to you negative attitudes about themselves and what they’re capable of. Although your upbringing has a powerful influence on the way you perceive yourself and what you think you’re capable of, you can take steps to overcome it and cultivate a healthy self-esteem.
The Consequences of Low Self-Esteem
Not only does low self-esteem stop you from going after your dreams and causes you to miss out on opportunities in life, but it also prevents you from forming healthy relationships with others.
According to Melody Beattie, the author of Codependent No More, low self-esteem often leads to what she calls “codependency.” She defines codependency as a stress-induced pattern of behavior that dictates how a person treats another and how she allows that other person to influence her. The codependent obsesses over the other person and seeks to control them.
This pattern can lead to a number of problems:
1) Attachment. According to Beattie, low self-esteem makes many codependents believe they can’t take care of themselves. This is a dangerous mindset to have because the more desperately you need someone, the more willing you are to settle for unhealthy relationships. Desperation leads codependents into relationships, whether platonic, familial, or romantic, with people who will never meet their needs, which just makes them more desperate.
| Is Attachment Really That Bad? Some writers disagree with Beattie’s assertion that attachment is entirely negative. In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller argue that attachment is a necessary and important part of life and that being dependent on another person actually makes you more independent, assertive, and confident. This seems to contradict Beattie’s point. However, Levine and Heller simply use the word “attached” differently than Beattie. Levine and Heller define attachment as a healthy connection with other people. Beattie defines attachment as unhealthy dependency. At their cores, both books agree with each other, maintaining that everyone needs healthy connections with other people. Healthy connections promote emotional health and provide a sense of security and peace, which does increase confidence and independence as Levine and Heller assert. Though their core messages are similar, the authors explore the subject differently. Levine and Heller focus on the attributes of healthy connections and how they work, while Beattie focuses on the steps you have to take before you can make healthy connections. While relationships can provide encouragement, security, and emotional stability, you need to experience these things outside of the relationship, too. If you don’t, you’ll come to rely on the other person too much and risk becoming codependent. |
2) Bad communication. Low self-esteem can also lead to toxic communication patterns. People with low self-esteem and codependency can’t defend themselves or tell people “no” either. When open communication is “banned,” people turn to manipulation, guilt-tripping, and lying to get things done.
For example, picture Jenny, a high school student whose mother is an alcoholic. Growing up with an alcoholic mother has taught Jenny that she can’t ask for attention. When Jenny has a school performance that she wants her mother to attend, she turns to manipulation and guilt-tripping rather than asking directly. She talks about how excited she is, how her instructor has been praising her effort, and how her friend’s parents are planning a special dinner to celebrate. “Don’t worry about it,” she says, “I know how hard it is for you to make time.”
While Jenny achieves her goal of getting her mother to attend the show, her mother resents Jenny’s manipulation and guilt-tripping, which damages their relationship further. Bad communication leads to anger, resentment, and ruined relationships.
| Why Does Bad Communication Lead to Manipulation? Research supports Beattie’s assertion that bad communication leads to manipulation, often throughout entire families, because in families that don’t have healthy communication styles, there is a constant, underlying fight for recognition and power. Being unheard makes people feel powerless, so they use manipulation to regain that power. Returning to our example, Jenny is in a constant fight for attention and recognition. She has to compete with her mother’s other responsibilities and family members, but her greatest competitor is her mother’s alcoholism. Since addiction is so powerful, Jenny has to fight dirty with manipulation. Manipulation may start as a coping mechanism, which isn’t Jenny’s fault, but it becomes a dangerous pathological habit over time. After living with her mother, manipulation is such an ingrained part of Jenny’s thinking that she manipulates people even when it’s unnecessary. If not addressed, Jenny’s manipulative tendencies can become abuse. |
3) The caretaking cycle. Low self-esteem leads you to search for validation and approval in other people. You crave good feelings that make you feel better about yourself. Beattie explains that many codependents try to find these good feelings by taking care of other people, which leads to the caretaking cycle.
First, the codependent “saves” other people from their responsibilities, which makes them feel good about themself. Second, the codependent feels angry and resentful toward the other person for “using” them, even though the codependent freely assumed the responsibility. Finally, the codependent feels bad for themself, making themself the victim to avoid responsibility.
Overcoming Low Self-Esteem
According to psychotherapist and self-esteem expert Nathaniel Branden, overcoming low self-esteem is a matter of behavior: What you do is the most important factor that determines your self-esteem.
In his book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, Branden posits that the process of overcoming low self-esteem entails practicing six pillars, or categories of behavior. Branden explains that by practicing these pillars, you behave in ways that foster and improve your self-esteem. Since self-esteem consists of confidence that you’re capable and worthy, it occurs when you’re capable and worthy—so you must act like you are.
Pillar #1: Live With Awareness
Branden’s first pillar of self-esteem is to live consciously, or live with awareness. To do so, look for information about all the realities that affect your life, accept them, and act accordingly. For example, you take control of your finances by checking your bank account and adjusting your budget as needed. If you don’t look for this information, you’re not living with awareness; you’re choosing ignorance. If you learn relevant information and don’t react appropriately, you’re also not living with awareness—you’re still denying reality on some level.
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