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Do you think that your partner might be a narcissist? What are common signs of narcissistic behavior in a relationship?
Spotting a narcissist can be hard because they’re very good at hiding their behavior. There are a few behaviors, however, that are easy to point out if you know what to look for.
Below we’ve listed five signs of narcissistic behavior in a relationship that are red flags.
1. Building You Up and Tearing You Down
One sign of narcissistic behavior in a relationship is a repeating pattern of showering you with love, compliments, and affection to suck you into a relationship, only to then tear you down psychologically through covert and direct insults. Power by Shahida Arabi says that this tends to end with the narcissist cruelly abandoning you, though they are likely to try to maintain control and start the pattern all over again with false promises of changing their behavior. Arabi refers to this as the “Idealize-Devalue-Discard” cycle.
This tactic is effective because, at the neurological level, it establishes a biochemical addiction to the narcissist. The narcissist’s false charm and over-the-top expressions of love (what Arabi calls “love-bombing”) tend to make you invested in them quickly, and it leads to high amounts of the brain chemical dopamine that makes you feel good.
Arabi then says that when the narcissist begins to turn on you and withhold that affection, you’ll strive to please them to get back to that level of dopamine. By erratically flip-flopping between love and cruelty, the narcissist creates what psychologists call an “intermittent reward” that makes the dopamine rush even more intense when they finally treat you well. Arabi compares this to when people play slot machines, and they can’t stop playing because of the randomness of the occasional earnings.
Attacking Your Self-Esteem
Arabi writes that during the stages of hurting you psychologically, the narcissist may use outright insults, like “You’re so bad at your job” or more covert tactics that they try to hide their malice behind. For example, they might express fake concern by saying, “I’m worried that you don’t make enough money to meet your needs,” knowing full well that you do. Arabi says that this type of insincere statement is intended to make you feel worthless and inadequate (which makes narcissists feel better about themselves). Arabi adds that because of their pathological envy, narcissists will especially target areas in which you’re successful and confident.
Narcissists may also damage your self-esteem by speaking poorly of you to others, often projecting their own faults onto you. For example, they might tell everyone in your friend group that you’re controlling and rude to them. This constant trash-talking (what Arabi calls the “smear campaign”) is intended to damage your reputation to the point of causing social isolation, so you’re even more dependent on them. Arabi says that this also reduces your ability to confide in others about the abuse, thereby making it less likely that you’ll be able to hold the abuser accountable.
Lastly, Arabi says narcissists often strategically talk about other people in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself by comparison. Arabi calls this “triangulation” because the narcissist brings a third person into the relationship dynamic, even though that person may not even be aware this is happening, and the information is often false. For example, the narcissist might bring up their ex-partner frequently, talking about how talented they are or other positive traits. Similar to the covert insult examples, the narcissist might target either the areas you like about yourself (to erode your confidence) or the areas you’re particularly insecure about (to inflict a deeper psychological wound).
2. Gaslighting
The next common sign of narcissistic behavior in a relationship is gaslighting, in which the abuser makes you feel like the abuse isn’t actually happening or that your negative reaction to their abuse is unwarranted. Power says they might achieve this with blatant denial, like “That never happened,” or by feigning innocence and implying that you’re overly sensitive. For example, they might use statements like “I didn’t know you would get so upset about that—I didn’t mean any harm,” even when they intentionally hurt and triggered you.
Arabi explains that this tactic is highly damaging because it makes you question whether the abuse is really happening and makes you feel ashamed for being too sensitive or critical. This ultimately gives the narcissist more ammunition to harm (an additional insecurity to target) and reduces your ability to call them out or hold them accountable.
3. Entitlement
Narcissists in relationships tend to feel entitled to their feelings and desires, even if they hurt their partner. Entitled people don’t learn from failure and challenges to become empathetic adults.
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson says that entitled people feel they deserve rewards they didn’t earn, and convince themselves they’re doing great things when they’re not, which is an example of narcissistic behavior in a relationship.
At the extreme, entitled people are self-aggrandizing—if something good happens to them they believe it’s because they’re great; if something bad happens then it’s not their fault. They do whatever they feel is necessary to maintain their self-image and status, including abusing others.
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