Things to Consider Before Moving in Together

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "How to Not Die Alone" by Logan Ury. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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When is the right time to move in together? What are some things you should consider before deciding to cohabitate?

Moving in together is a huge milestone in a romantic relationship. You should approach it seriously by carefully evaluating your and your partner’s expectations to ensure you’re on the same page about your relationship.

Here are a few things to consider before moving in together, according to dating coach Logan Ury.

How to Navigate Deciding to Cohabitate

How can you ensure that you actively choose to cohabitate? Ury recommends that you seriously evaluate whether you want to cohabitate. People who move in together pre-marriage are more likely to get divorced, which relationship researchers theorize is because cohabitation makes splitting up harder: When a breakup involves someone moving out, it’s easier to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of your mind that you’re with the wrong person and slide into marriage instead. 

(Shortform note: If you already have experience splitting up with a cohabiting partner, you might not have as hard a time breaking up with someone new even if you do live together. One study found that women who lived with a partner but later married someone else were twice as likely to get divorced: Researchers suggest that since these women already had experience breaking up in a cohabitating arrangement, they were more likely to do it again when they faced issues in the current relationship.) 

To minimize the chances that cohabitating jeopardizes your relationship, Ury recommends that you discuss your expectations about the future with your partner to ensure that you’re in sync. Additionally, discuss any anxieties you may have about cohabiting, like a worry that you won’t get enough alone time, so that you can work through them and set up a plan to deal with them prior to moving in. 

Other Considerations and Conversations to Have Before Moving In Together

Other relationship experts agree that moving in together is a big relationship milestone that requires serious consideration and conversations—but the specifics of these considerations and conversations differ. Prior to speaking with your partner, they recommend asking yourself why you want to live together. Many people assume that cohabitation is the logical next step, but it may not work for your relationship even if you and your partner have similar expectations for the future. 

Additionally, experts urge you to discuss major topics like sex, money, sleep, housework, and intimacy. Even if you don’t have any anxieties about them, these are the areas over which you’ll likely clash, so it’s good to have a plan for avoiding fights beforehand.
Things to Consider Before Moving in Together

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Darya Sinusoid

Darya’s love for reading started with fantasy novels (The LOTR trilogy is still her all-time-favorite). Growing up, however, she found herself transitioning to non-fiction, psychological, and self-help books. She has a degree in Psychology and a deep passion for the subject. She likes reading research-informed books that distill the workings of the human brain/mind/consciousness and thinking of ways to apply the insights to her own life. Some of her favorites include Thinking, Fast and Slow, How We Decide, and The Wisdom of the Enneagram.

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