This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What are the Loving What Is 4 questions? What is the purpose of each question?
In Loving What Is, Byron Katie recommends asking yourself four questions, which, she claims, will change your life for the better. Specifically, these questions are designed to identify and address distorted and unhelpful thoughts that cloud your judgment and perception of the world.
Let’s explore the purpose of each of these four questions.
#1: Is This an Absolute Truth That I Cannot Disprove?
The purpose of the first of The Loving What Is 4 questions, “Is this an absolute truth that I cannot disprove?” is to search through your memories for at least one piece of evidence that disclaims your statement, revealing it as untrue. According to Katie, your answer should be a simple “yes” or “no.”
Example #1: If you remember at least one time that your children helped you with the chores or showed you respect, the statement, “My children never help with the chores because they don’t respect me,” reveals itself as untrue. Therefore, the answer is “no.”
Example #2: If you remember at least one time you had enough money or felt successful, the statement, “I never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,” reveals itself as untrue. Therefore, the answer is “no.”
#2: How Do I Feel and Behave When I Think This Thought?
The purpose of the second question, “How do I feel and behave when I think this thought?” is to list all of the consequences of thinking this thought. This will help you become more conscious of how your thoughts affect your emotions and behaviors. Katie suggests that you consider how thinking this thought influences:
- Your subsequent thoughts and feelings
- How you speak to and behave toward others or react to your circumstances
Example #1: When you think, “My children never help with the chores because they don’t respect me,” you can’t help but think about additional ways your children make your life difficult. This makes you feel resentful and victimized. When you feel like this, your interactions with your children swing between emotional withdrawal and lashing out in anger.
Example #2: When you think, “I never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,” your thoughts focus on all of the things you want but can’t have, or on how other people seem to effortlessly get what they want. This makes you feel like your life’s cruel and unfair—and these feelings make you believe that you’re powerless to improve your situation. As a result, you don’t feel motivated enough to take constructive actions, such as creating a budget or opening a savings account, and you let your financial situation devolve.
(Shortform note: If acknowledging the consequences of resistant thoughts inspires self-criticism, remember that the goal of this step isn’t to judge or berate yourself for engaging in negative behaviors, but to increase awareness of how your thoughts influence you. To overcome any self-critical thoughts, focus on self-compassion during this step. For example, you might consciously forgive yourself for any behaviors that inspire feelings of shame or guilt. By shifting your focus from criticism to kindness, you’ll be better able to understand the consequences of your thoughts without falling into the trap of self-defeating thoughts.)
#3: How Does This Thought Benefit Me?
The purpose of the third question, “How does this thought benefit me?” is to reveal that there is no benefit to thinking resistant thoughts. Katie suggests that you consider whether thinking this thought inspires any positive feelings or behaviors that improve your life.
Example #1: The thought, “My children never help with the chores because they don’t respect me,” doesn’t inspire any positive feelings or behaviors that improve your life. Therefore, thinking this thought doesn’t benefit you.
Example #2: The thought, “I never have enough money and this makes me feel like a failure,” doesn’t inspire any positive feelings or behaviors that improve your life. Therefore, thinking this thought doesn’t benefit you.
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Here's what you'll find in our full Loving What Is summary:
- How to investigate resistant thoughts that trigger emotional discomfort
- A step-by-step process to release resistant thoughts
- How to accept and feel at peace with yourself and others
