What difference does empathy make in communication? How can it help you de-escalate tense moments?
According to law enforcement trainer and English professor George Thompson, empathy is a powerful tool when you need to introduce calm into a high-stress situation. He presents empathy as a fundamental tool in the Verbal Judo toolbox.
Continue reading to learn about the importance of empathy in communication and how to use it to read people.
Empathy in Communication
The most basic tool for practicing Verbal Judo is empathy: the ability to understand someone else’s perspective, even if you disagree with them or their interpretation of the situation. In his book, Thompson discusses the importance of empathy in communication and shares some tips on how to use it to understand others.
Thompson explains that empathizing with the other person, no matter how unreasonable you might think they’re being, enables you to take the tension out of the situation. That’s because practicing empathy helps you give people what they want: to be understood. Demonstrating that you’re trying to understand what the other person needs and listening to what they’re saying can go a long way toward getting them to dial back their language, even when they’re still feeling angry or upset.
(Shortform note: Experts define empathy as the ability to understand someone else from their perspective rather than your own, which might look like understanding what they’re thinking, feeling, or experiencing. Psychologists Paul Ekman and Daniel Goleman say we have three kinds of empathy. Cognitive empathy gives us an intellectual understanding of what someone else is experiencing. Affective empathy helps us to feel what another person is feeling. Compassionate empathy combines the first two and helps you act on them to help the other person. In all its forms, empathy helps us understand others and figure out how to make them feel understood, a feeling that we all need in our lives.)
According to Thompson, empathizing with another person doesn’t just make them feel understood—it also helps you see their perspective and understand what they need from you. When you show that you understand the problem and are working toward a solution, the other person will feel reassured that you recognize how they’re feeling. For example, imagine you have to tell your team that a project they’ve been working on has been put on the back burner. Your colleagues might get upset, since they’ve worked hard to finish it on time. To practice empathy, you might acknowledge their work and their disappointment. By validating their feelings, you reduce the tension in the room, even though everyone still feels disappointed.
(Shortform note: Thompson isn’t the only expert to emphasize how important it is to make sure other people know you’re trying to see things from their point of view. Effortless author Greg McKeown contends that instead of just trying to understand someone, you should also work to help them feel understood. He explains that listening with this goal in mind can help you connect with someone and make them feel seen and validated.)
| How Does Empathy Affect How Police Officers Communicate? Thompson may have been ahead of his time in giving empathy such a prominent place in Verbal Judo. Experts say it wasn’t until after the 1992 discovery of mirror neurons—which activate when we take an action and when we watch someone else taking that action—that people began to recognize that empathy is more than an emotion and plays a critical role in helping us understand each other. Research is even beginning to show that it’s useful specifically in police interactions, too: When police departments encourage more empathetic ways of communicating, it helps officers slow down, use force less often, and build trust with the communities they serve. That said, some experts argue that relying on empathy in our interactions with others has drawbacks. Against Empathy author Paul Bloom contends that because we empathize more with people who are similar to us, empathy can make us more likely to discriminate against those who are different from us. Implicit biases affect our thinking and behavior even when we believe in equality and intend to be fair, which is why police officers often undergo implicit bias training. But research shows that these programs don’t seem to reduce racial biases in policing, which illustrates how persistent these biases are and how hard it is to stop them. |
How to Use Empathy to Understand Others
In the same way that a judo practitioner responds to a physical attack with an awareness of their opponent’s intentions, you can respond to a verbal confrontation by reading the other person and figuring out who they are and what they need from the encounter. In other words, you can use empathy to better understand other people and more easily resolve conflicts. To do this, Thompson writes that it’s helpful to learn to recognize what kind of person you’re dealing with. He contends that people fall into one of three categories:
First are people who tend to cooperate and like to avoid confrontation. Thompson explains that you probably won’t have to use your skills in Verbal Judo when you encounter this sort of person. But he points out that the fact that someone cooperates with you doesn’t mean you should neglect to treat them thoughtfully or respectfully.
Second are people who resist authority. They might push back on your requests, and Thompson explains that they tend to ask “why?” He explains that you should always give a genuine answer to this question: Answering “why” a particular course of action is best gives you a chance to explain how the solution you’re proposing will help the other person. That makes them more likely to decide to cooperate with you.
Third are people who present themselves as cooperative but really resent authority. Thompson explains that this person will often speak courteously in the moment and only later complain about you or try to seek revenge. It’s hard to know when someone falls into this category because they aren’t honest about their feelings. But once you’ve recognized that someone is this kind of person, Thompson recommends being direct with them and allowing them to either voice their complaints or decline to do so.
Thompson explains that, once you determine what kind of person you’re dealing with, you’ll know how to handle the conversation. With people who tend to cooperate, all you need to do is propose a good solution, and they’ll likely be happy to go along with you. With people who resist authority, you should focus on explaining what they’ll gain by cooperating—or what they’ll lose by refusing—to get them on board. And with people who act cooperative but feel resentful, you should ask them for their opinion: If they have something useful to contribute, they will—and otherwise they’ll just cooperate. The goal is to interact with each type of person effectively but respectfully, using what you know about their personality.
