Should you stop being too nice? What happens when you stop being nice?
According to Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura, when you stop being nice, your life transforms. You gain the freedom to be your true self without shame, guilt, or fear.
Here’s how to stop being too nice so you can live a fulfilling life.
How Can You Stop Being Nice?
Once you understand that being nice hurts your quality of life, it’s time to learn how to stop being too nice. Gazipura outlines a step-by-step process to help you recover from being a nice person: write your own rules, commit to the process, establish boundaries, prioritize yourself, embrace your full self, and speak your mind.
Step 1: Write Your Own Rules
To escape the trap of niceness, you first need to write your own rules for how you want to live, what Gazipura calls your personal bill of rights. Being nice often means conforming to others’ expectations, but crafting your own rules allows you to live authentically and prioritize your well-being. Your list of rules serves as a reminder of your right to assert your boundaries, express your needs, and navigate relationships with authenticity. This self-defined code of conduct can liberate you from the constraints of people-pleasing and foster a deeper sense of self-respect and confidence.
(Shortform note: The personal bill of rights is a common therapeutic tool that has evolved over time within the field of psychology and therapy. Various therapists, psychologists, and self-help authors have contributed to its development and popularization. It is often associated with the broader principles of assertiveness training, self-esteem enhancement, and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT).)
To create your own list, imagine what you would do if you weren’t worried about what anyone else thought. How would you act if guilt, fear, and doubt had no impact on you? Write down as many ideas as you can. Examples might include speaking up during work meetings, declining social events you don’t want to attend, or going away for a long weekend by yourself…without your family. While your list might be short at first, Gazipura suggests continuing to add to your list as your sense of what’s possible (and acceptable) expands.
(Shortform note: If you’re unsure how to get started with your own version of a bill of rights, there are many examples you can find online as a helpful starting point. For example, the Therapist’s Guide to Clinical Intervention includes a list of 25 basic personal rights that are widely applicable, including the right to ask for what you want, to change your mind, and to be treated with dignity.)
Step 2: Commit to the Process
Gazipura writes that you must be committed to the process to make it work. Zero commitment means you don’t see the problem with being nice and have no desire to change your behavior, while the highest level means changing your behavior at all costs—you fully understand how damaging niceness has been to your personal and professional well-being and are willing to do whatever it takes to change your behavior, no matter how difficult or uncomfortable. Depending on how old you are, your patterns of niceness may have been ingrained in you for decades, so it will take deep commitment to unlearn most of the associated behaviors.
(Shortform note: While Gazipura argues that your level of motivation is the most important factor in creating lasting change, behavioral scientist BJ Fogg suggests that motivation is unreliable and difficult to muster in moments of stress. In his book Tiny Habits, he suggests that breaking down large goals into smaller, more manageable actions is the key to lasting behavior change. For example, instead of deciding you’re going to stop being nice cold turkey, make a small goal, like saying no to one social engagement you’re not excited about every week.)
Step 3: Establish Boundaries
To stop being nice, establish clear boundaries, says Gazipura. This means being able to identify your own wants, opinions, and responsibilities and distinguish them from others’.
According to Gazipura, your internal feelings (your likes, dislikes, opinions, and intuition) inform your boundaries. Therefore, establishing boundaries begins with knowing yourself better, starting with what you want.
Step 4: Prioritize Yourself
The next step in unlearning niceness is prioritizing yourself. You’re responsible for your needs. No one else will meet them. Practice asking yourself what you want and need and how to get it. If you have a long history of being nice, you might think this sounds selfish, but selfishness is a matter of perspective. According to Gazipura, it exists on a spectrum, from self-sacrificing (too nice) to thoughtlessly selfish (only caring about oneself). He advocates the middle ground: healthy self-interest.
Gazipura says that the problem is that after being nice for so long, you may no longer be a good judge of what selfish looks like. If you’re not sure, think through the cost-benefit analysis of your decision—how much you want something versus how much it will impact the people around you. If you don’t want something that much, or if the impact on someone else is too high, reconsider or brainstorm how to meet your needs another way. But if you really want something and other people are minimally impacted, go for it.
Step 5: Embrace Your Full Self
The next step in unlearning your patterns of niceness is to embrace your full self by acknowledging your “shadow” parts. Referencing the work of psychologist Carl Jung, Gazipura explains that each of us has multiple parts, some we present to the world and some we hide. According to Jung, the “shadow” represents parts you might unconsciously deny, suppress, or disown because they don’t align with the image you want to present to the world or because they trigger feelings of shame or discomfort. While everyone’s shadow is unique, Gazipura points to common qualities of shadows—violence, sexuality, selfishness, or hostility. Embracing your full self requires you to accept that these qualities are a natural part of who you are.
Gazipura argues that embracing your full self is critical to your overall well-being and happiness. He explains that your shadow is home to your primal desires and therefore a source of untapped energy, creativity, and growth. Acknowledging and accepting your shadow unlocks authenticity and vitality that might otherwise remain buried. Furthermore, repressing your shadow leads to self-rejection, potentially resulting in issues like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or heightened negative emotions.
Step 6: Speak Your Mind
Once you know what you want and understand that you’re more than “just nice,” it’s time to become a more authentic version of yourself, one who speaks their mind. According to Gazipura, people avoid speaking their mind for several reasons: They fear hurting someone’s feelings, causing offense, or inciting anger; they aim to avoid being perceived as rude, mean, or aggressive; or they hesitate to show emotions, appear needy, or make public mistakes.
While these fears are powerful deterrents, Gazipura argues they’re based on false beliefs about relationships. In the world of nice, if you disagree with someone or express strong volition, that person will like you less. In reality, honesty strengthens relationships. When you say what you think, you treat the other person as a capable and resilient adult, allowing both of you to be your authentic selves, regardless of whether you agree.
According to Gazipura, to speak up effectively, you must communicate assertively—express yourself clearly while also considering others’ feelings. This helps everyone talk openly, respect each other, and set clear boundaries for healthy interactions. In contrast, passive communication involves holding back your thoughts and needs, often leading to frustration and misunderstandings, and aggressive communication is forceful and disrespectful, causing conflicts and damaging relationships. Being assertive strikes a balance, fostering effective and respectful conversations.
