This article is an excerpt from the Shortform summary of "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Shortform has the world's best summaries of books you should be reading.
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Why do some relationships flourish while others fade, even when love was once strong? According to Gary Chapman’s relationship framework, the answer lies in how partners communicate affection. His theory identifies five distinct love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch—each representing a different way people give and receive love.
Understanding your partner’s primary love language can transform your relationship. By learning to express love in the way your partner understands it best, you can keep both your emotional “love tanks” full and maintain a thriving relationship through life’s inevitable challenges.
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Originally Published: September 9, 2019
Last Updated: December 10, 2025
Express Love Using the 5 Love Languages
According to Gary Chapman in The 5 Love Languages, when love seems like it’s fading, the problem lies in the way each partner understands and communicates love. There are five languages of love that people speak: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Each language corresponds to the types of actions or behaviors that make someone feel the most loved. Most people have one primary love language, as well as a secondary one.
It’s likely that you speak a different language than your partner. Chapman explains that communicating love through different languages is like trying to have a conversation in English with someone who only speaks Italian. Once you learn which language your partner speaks, you can start to address them through that language and effectively communicate the love you feel for them. (Shortform note: While Chapman’s love languages theory is popular, there’s little research to support it: Studies of the theory have mostly been inconclusive. In contrast to Chapman’s theory, some research has found evidence that there are more than five ways to communicate love, that people aren’t limited to just one or two love languages, and that relationship satisfaction doesn’t appear to be higher among couples who “share” a primary love language. This suggests that equating ways to communicate love to languages like English and Italian isn’t accurate and fails to convey the breadth of how humans express and understand love.)
1. Words of Affirmation
Chapman describes words of affirmation as words or phrases you say to your partner to make them feel good about who they are and what they do. These words can be compliments, encouragements, remarks that express kindness, or those that signify your faith in them. For the person whose love language is words of affirmation, the following behaviors will make them feel loved:
- Give them a compliment about their appearance or what they do for the family.
- Tell them you appreciate them in your life.
- Support their hopes and dreams by saying, “I believe in you” or “You’re so talented, you can do whatever you want.”
- Ask for their help in a way that stresses their skills or the benefit it would bring to your life.
2. Quality Time
Quality time is time dedicated solely for the purpose of being with your partner without distractions. According to Chapman, a person with this language wants to simply be with their loved one. The activity is secondary to the actual act of being together. Quality time may mean actively engaging in meaningful conversation, participating in an activity that they like (even if you don’t), or having dinner together without watching TV or using electronic devices.
(Shortform note: It may be difficult to determine what type of time together is “quality time,” especially when couples spend time together fulfilling obligations. To make sure your time together is “quality time,” consider what type of activity you’re engaging in: Activities you do to reach a specific goal, such as housework, attending a parent-teacher meeting, or shopping for a family car, are extrinsically valuable activities. In contrast, activities that we engage in for their own sake are intrinsically valuable activities. If your partner’s love language is quality time, find ways to spend time with them where being with them is the goal rather than trying to use that time to get something done.)
3. Receiving Gifts
Chapman explains that someone whose love language is receiving gifts perceives giving a gift as a symbol of love. A gift equates to thought, and to a person with this love language, that thought is felt as love. For example, a small present brought back from a business trip makes your partner feel special because you were thinking of them.
Additionally, for a person with this love language, the type of gift is less important than the effort to procure it and the desire to give it. A diamond bracelet will elicit the same response as a crocheted scarf. The feeling it evokes will still be one of being loved enough to receive something from you.
Sometimes, your mere presence is the gift your partner needs, says Chapman. If they’re in crisis, you being there as a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, or a comforting presence is enough to represent your love for them. Prioritizing a request for your presence over your work or any previous plans you may have made shows them how much their feelings matter to you.
(Shortform note: Giving someone the gift of your presence may be hard to distinguish from quality time—however, according to some experts, the difference is that gifting someone your presence is simply about physically being there for them, whereas quality time is defined by the activities you engage in while you’re together. It’s good to note that crises aren’t the only times you can show love through the gift of your presence. It can also help to attend performances or events your partner’s involved in and to show up on time for dates. Celebrating an event with your partner is a way to give them the gift of your presence—as well as the presence of others if you choose to invite guests.)
4. Acts of Service
Acts of service are things done to make life easier for your partner. Chapman explains that whether you remove a burden from their life, help out, or provide space for them to do something else, these acts of service will tell a partner with this language that you respect them and their time.
(Shortform note: Experts suggest that one of the benefits of acts of service is that not only do they convey loving emotions—they also target a practical need. This can increase feelings of stability in a relationship, leading to long-term resilience. Experts also note that acts of service should be reciprocal—both partners should do what they can to support the relationship. So, even if one person prefers to show their love through acts of service, that doesn’t mean they should be solely responsible for all the work of maintaining the relationship.)
Chapman says that not all acts of service are created equal. Understanding which acts will serve your partner best means understanding their life enough to know how to help, as well as understanding their expectations enough to know what they want done for them. For someone whose love language is acts of service, the following types of behaviors can make them feel loved:
- Pitch in to help accomplish things you know they want done.
- Take over a task you know they dislike.
- Take work off their plate so they can have time to themselves.
5. Physical Touch
According to Chapman, someone whose love language is physical touch feels love most through physical contact. Touches can be large or small, intimate or casual. The most important thing to learn about a partner who speaks this language is their specific preference for touch. There are endless ways of expressing love through touch—the way to find what works is to listen to what your partner likes.
(Shortform note: Physical touch can be especially important during times of stress. One study examined physical touch between couples when one partner was discussing a stressor in their life: It found that the partner sharing their stressor felt more capable of overcoming their obstacle and less stressed when their partner provided them with more touch. The study also found that both partners (the person discussing their stressor and the person listening) felt more positively toward the other when they engaged in more touch. So, not only can providing physical touch express love and support for your partner, it can make you feel better as well.)
However, says Chapman, you must pay attention to what your partner doesn’t like and avoid that type of touch. Touching someone in a way they don’t like is a violation, and it can constitute abuse. This action doesn’t communicate love—on the contrary, it communicates that you don’t care about the other person.
How to Express Love by Filling the Love Tank
Now that you know what the five love languages are, you need to figure out how best to express it.
You and your partner are different, even if you have been together for a long time. As individuals, you bring your histories and baggage into your relationship. You have expectations for what you want or should receive from your partner. You have different ways of coping with anger and pain. You have different priorities.
When your love tank is full, you can meet your partner in a positive place to deal with your differences. With a full love tank, you are able to communicate better and appreciate each other.
With empty love tanks, the differences can turn to distance and resentment. An empty love tank can remove the desire to treat your partner with respect and compromise.
- An argument with an empty love tank can become hurtful, violent, and damaging.
- An argument with a full love tank can become a platform for growth and companionship.
Divorce is prevalent in society, and the cause is likely numerous love tanks that were allowed to drain.
- The loss of the initial high of falling in love can leave some feeling lost and empty.
- Falling in love is easy. Keeping love requires thought and effort.
If your tank is empty, your partner’s tank is likely not far off. Taking time to learn each other’s love languages can start the process of rediscovering what love means to you and the enjoyment of building it and living with it every day.
Speaking a Language That Isn’t Your Own
Chapman never suggests that the process of showing love to someone else in their own language will be easy. Deciding to learn and act accordingly with your partner’s love language takes deliberate effort. If their language differs from yours, the effort required in that choice may be great. For instance, you may feel uncomfortable giving compliments, you might resent having to find them gifts, or you may feel too busy to make time for your partner.
Nevertheless, if your goal is to make your partner feel secure, confident, and loved, speaking the right language will make that happen. Remember: There’s no one way to express love, but if both people in a relationship make the effort, love can be affirmed and rekindled at any stage. And once you’ve learned how to do so, the chances of it lasting and staying positive are great.
| Love in Times of Conflict Couples therapists Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt agree with Chapman’s points that reconnecting with your partner can be hard work and that it doesn’t matter what stage of the relationship you’re in. However, in Getting the Love You Want, they specifically point to a relationship stage that Chapman largely glosses over: the Conflict. This stage begins when your initial attraction wears off and traits you once found attractive in your partner now become abrasive. Communicating love during this time is especially challenging, because in the earlier “falling in love” stage, you and your partner may have thought love would come without effort, and deep inside, you both feel angry when you realize it won’t. While Chapman’s steps to learning each other’s love languages are certainly part of the solution, Hendrix and Hunt emphasize that true reconnection requires going deeper. Each partner must help create an environment in which they both feel emotionally safe. Once this safety has been established, it frees you both to become open about your unmet needs. Part of this step requires individual work (such as learning your own love language). The next is to listen to your partner with curiosity and compassion, so you can both gradually change to become the person your partner needs you to be. |
Common Questions About the 5 Love Languages (and How to Use Them Effectively)
1. What if I can’t figure out my love language—or my partner’s?
Try the simple “5-week experiment.” For five weeks, focus on one love language each week (Monday–Friday). Take the weekend off.
Notice which week your partner reacts most positively—this often reveals their primary love language.
Your own comfort level is also a clue. The week you naturally enjoyed or connected with a language the most may indicate your own preference.
2. Can my love language change over time?
Love languages tend to stay consistent because they develop early in life. However, life changes—stress, distance, workload, or shifting priorities—can influence what you need most.
For example:
- You may normally crave physical touch, but during busy seasons, acts of service might feel more supportive.
- If quality time is hard to come by (like in a long-distance relationship), you may begin valuing gifts or words of affirmation more.
3. Do children have love languages too?
Yes—children naturally gravitate toward certain types of affection, but they still need love expressed in all the love languages. The way children receive love often shapes how they give and receive love as adults.
Look for behavioral clues:
- A child who frequently asks for hugs may value physical touch.
- A child who lights up during bedtime stories may prioritize quality time.
As kids grow, their core language stays fairly stable, but how they want love expressed can shift.
A young child who loved being told they’re “cute” may prefer compliments about their skills or identity as a teen.
4. Are some love languages more common among men or women?
Not necessarily. Although stereotypes exist (e.g., men prefer touch, women prefer words), love languages are personal—not gender-driven. What matters is emotional connection, not demographic trends.
Even within the same love language, what makes someone feel loved varies:
- One person may want compliments on their appearance.
- Another may value praise for their abilities or effort.
5. What if my partner doesn’t respond when I speak their love language?
Lack of response doesn’t mean your efforts aren’t working. Possible reasons include:
- Lingering resentments
- Doubts about your sincerity
- Fear the change won’t last
- You may be speaking the wrong language
- Their emotional focus may be elsewhere
Before giving up, communicate openly and give your partner time to adjust. Consistency matters—especially if trust has been damaged. Keep showing love without expecting immediate validation.
If your partner becomes unwilling to engage or repair the relationship, you’ll at least know you acted with intention and care.
6. What if my partner won’t speak my love language?
You can’t force someone to love in a specific way. The best you can do is communicate your needs clearly. If your partner understands what makes you feel loved but refuses to participate, it may be time to evaluate the relationship and what you’re willing to accept long-term.
7. Is it ever too late to rebuild love in a relationship?
If love existed before, it can often be rekindled—if both partners are willing to try. Hurt feelings, unmet needs, and changing behaviors often cause emotional distance, but they can be repaired with consistent effort.
When you learn how to speak each other’s love languages, you refill one another’s “love tanks.” If both partners commit to this process, love can grow again.
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Love this! 💖 The 5 love languages are such an eye-opener. It’s amazing how understanding these can improve relationships. Thanks for breaking it down so clearly! 😊”