This article is an excerpt from the Shortform summary of "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Shortform has the world's best summaries of books you should be reading.
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“Don’t take anything personally.” The second agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements sounds deceptively simple. But, for many of us, being sensitive or defensive is a natural reaction, as if we’re constantly primed to ward off the negativity the world throws our way. But, as we adopt the first agreement—“Be impeccable with your word”—we become happier, more at peace, and more in control. When we build that internal strength, taking on the second agreement becomes much easier.
Read more to learn how these first two agreements work together to free you from the “bad agreements” that have been disrupting your life.
Originally Published: June 18, 2019
Last Updated: December 30, 2025
Bad Things Happen When We Take Things Personally
Ruiz’s second agreement is “Don’t take anything personally.” No good comes from this. In fact, Ruiz contends that it creates a chain reaction of negativity:
- The spark: Someone says something about you.
- The reaction: You take it personally and feel offended.
- The defense: You defend your position and “fire back” at the other person.
- The escalation: The other person takes that personally, gets offended, and says something even meaner.
This cycle can cause you to resent others and simmer in anger for far longer than is appropriate. It even causes you to reject helpful advice simply because it was delivered in a way that hurt your feelings.
How to Stop Taking Things Personally
How do we break this habit? Ruiz asserts that it starts with a simple shift in belief: Any negative input is about the other person, not you.
Whenever someone says something to you or about you, pause and remember these core truths:
- Others see the world with different eyes. They have their own worldviews, and you can choose to reject their worldview since you have your own.
- Everyone’s perspective is their own. Nothing they think about you is really about you; it’s a reflection of them.
- They’re dealing with their own issues. If someone gets mad at you, they’re likely struggling with their own wounds. When you accept someone else’s “emotional garbage,” it becomes yours—and you don’t need it.
(Shortform note: In The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins makes a similar case, asserting that you’ll find greater peace, confidence, and self-determination by focusing on your own thoughts and actions rather than trying to control other people. When you say “Let Them,” you consciously detach from other people’s behaviors, opinions, and emotional reactions, freeing you from wasting time and energy on things you can’t control. And when you say “Let Me,” you empower yourself to focus on your values, your attitude, and your actions. These phrases might be particularly useful since, as Ruiz notes, people often use their words carelessly and may not truly mean what they say.)
The Mirror of Judgment
Ruiz asserts that, whether someone calls you beautiful or ugly, their input is unimportant. If someone calls you ugly, it isn’t about you at all; it comes from their own opinions and beliefs. If they were feeling great about life, they would likely be calling you beautiful.
The only thing that matters, Ruiz says, is how you feel about yourself. Don’t accept others’ judgment of you—and don’t even take your own negative self-judgments personally.
Clearing the Internal Chaos
Our minds can become crowded with the opinions of others and the harsh judgments we have of ourselves. This internal dialogue becomes a giant marketplace of conflicting agreements, clouding our thinking.
But, each time you hear an insult and refuse to take it personally, you begin a new process:
- Dismantling old agreements: You stop unknowingly accepting labels.
- Breaking down pain: You stop believing thoughts such as “I’m not smart enough” or “I can’t learn this.”
- Creating order: You turn internal chaos into clarity.
The Freedom of the Second Agreement
When you master the ability to not take things personally, your life changes significantly:
- Immunity to “black magic”: You become immune to the power of others’ words. Even if people lie to you, it can’t hurt you because you know it is about them.
- Truthfulness: You become truthful with yourself, which saves you from greater pain and leads to healing.
- Emotional peace: Anger and jealousy disappear.
- Openness to love: When you’re immune to careless comments, your heart can open up. You’re free to be vulnerable because you know you can’t be hurt by the opinions of others.
When you don’t take anything personally, Ruiz says you’re free to be happy. You find it easy to create love, and you finally find yourself at peace.
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