

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Art of Gathering" by Priya Parker. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What is Priya Parker’s The Art of Gathering about? What are the main takeaways of the book?
In The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker discusses what to do before a gathering to set the stage for a potentially transformative experience. Then she shares how to begin and end the gathering in a meaningful way so that you and your guests will have a great time.
Read below for a brief overview of Priya Parker’s The Art of Gathering.
The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker
Have you ever attended a conference and spent the entire time waiting for it to end? Have you ever gone to a wedding and felt there was something missing?
In Priya Parker’s The Art of Gathering, she contends that pre-planned gatherings of all types—both business and personal—could be meaningful experiences, but too many gatherings miss the opportunity to become so. In her book, Parker presents a step-by-step guide to transforming your gathering into a meaningful event that people will be talking about for years to come.
What to Do Before the Gathering
Parker argues that what you do before the gathering is just as important as what you do during the gathering itself. She shares five essential tips: Identify the reason, curate your guest list, select a venue, create directives, and set expectations.
Identify the Reason
According to Parker, the first thing you should do when planning your gathering is to identify the reason, or “purpose,” for which you’re gathering. You should have one clear, distinct, and specific reason for gathering that’s not defined by the type of gathering you’re having. For example, a bachelorette party is not a reason; “give my bridesmaids a chance to bond with each other before the wedding” is. Why do you need a reason? Parker explains that without one, you might gather in unhelpful ways. This may result in a missed opportunity to do something meaningful. Alternatively, you might gather in ways that are antithetical to your values; this can happen when you follow traditional customs because you find the custom itself significant but not the original reason the custom was developed.
Additionally, Parker argues that when you have one specific reason for gathering, you can use this reason as a guideline by which to evaluate all the decisions you make at the gathering. A specific reason makes decision-making easier because it presents a clear path to follow, whereas a general reason can be ambiguous and open up too many options when you’re trying to decide on something.
To discover your reason, Parker recommends that you repeatedly ask yourself why you’re gathering until you discover an underlying conviction. For example, if you want to have a bachelorette party, ask yourself why that matters.
Curate Your Guest List
Once you’ve decided on a reason for gathering, the next step is to curate your guest list. In other words, decide who helps you fulfill your reason—then invite only those people.
Parker explains that despite how it may seem at first glance, limiting your guest list is a compassionate act. If you invite people who don’t support your reason, they may actively sabotage it. But even if they don’t, they’ll still undermine your reason because they’ll inevitably distract you (as the host) with their presence. As a result, you won’t give your full attention to the guests for whom the gathering is designed. In this way, not inviting people who don’t actively support your reason is an act of compassion toward the guests you do invite.
When limiting the size of your gathering, Parker recommends that you keep in mind both who and how many people support the purpose. If you want a small, intimate group, limit your gathering to six to 12 people. If you want to foster intimacy while still allowing for diverse perspectives, you can have up to 15 people. For a more animated, party-like vibe, invite 30 people. And if you want a big gathering, a group of 150 people feels large but still connected.
Select an Appropriate Venue
Once you know how many people are coming to your gathering, select an appropriate venue. Parker explains that an appropriate venue has three important qualities. First, it will immerse your guests in the reason for the gathering and thus enhance their experience. Second, it will encourage the conduct you desire (and discourage conduct you don’t want), as people are primed to behave differently depending on the environment. Third, it will encourage unexpected behavior in your guests—in this case, a slightly unexpected venue will help.
Create Directives
The fourth pre-gathering step, according to Parker, is to create directives, which she calls “pop-up rules.” In other words, give specific instructions about how you’d like your guests to behave during the event—such as that they should all bring a particular type of dish—and clearly communicate them to your guests.
Parker recommends creating directives for two reasons. First, clear directives make diverse gatherings more comfortable. Many hosts expect their guests to behave according to certain defined protocols. However, this expectation often backfires in an increasingly multicultural world. If your guest list is diverse, they will have different (and potentially clashing) cultural expectations for what is appropriate; for example, a Japanese person will expect guests to help them clean up after a house party, while an American might find this practice insulting. Clear directives remove a lot of potential friction and pave the way for a smoother gathering.
Second, Parker argues that clear directives encourage engagement. For example, people are often glued to their cell phones—even in situations when checking their phone is generally considered rude. But if you temporarily ban cell phones during your gathering, the short-term nature of this directive will make it seem more like a rule of a game. As a result, your guests will find pleasure in ignoring their cell phones rather than feeling restricted—and thus be more engaged within your gathering.
Set Expectations
The fifth pre-gathering step, according to Parker, is to set expectations. While most hosts assume that the gathering begins when everybody arrives, Parker argues that in reality, the start of your gathering is whenever you tell a guest about it. So during the lead-up to your gathering, you should set expectations with your guests so that they have a clear idea of what will happen.
Parker contends that setting clear expectations during the lead-up to your guests’ arrival is essential for two reasons. First, setting expectations will help your guests get into the right mood. As a result, they’ll arrive at the gathering feeling more open to fully participating in the experience. Second, setting expectations prevents guests from feeling cheated. It reduces the possibility that your guests will feel disappointed because their own (incorrect) expectations for the gathering were unfulfilled.
How to Begin the Gathering
After you’ve completed all the pre-gathering steps, the day of your gathering will come and your guests will start to arrive. But, Parker argues, if you don’t handle these moments right, all that pre-gathering work will have been wasted. For the best possible gathering, Parker suggests that you pay attention to two key moments: the arrival and the opening.
Manage Your Guests’ Arrival
Parker suggests that you manage your guests’ arrival by introducing a clear physical or metaphorical transition into your gathering. When your guests arrive, they will be mentally wrapped up in whatever else is going on in their lives—like the fight they just had with their sister. By providing them with an appropriate transition, you encourage them to forget about everything else and refocus their attention on your gathering so they can be fully engaged.

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Here's what you'll find in our full The Art of Gathering summary:
- How to make pre-planned gatherings more meaningful and engaging
- What to do before, during, and after any type of gathering
- Why the host should never relax during their event