This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "How to Not Die Alone" by Logan Ury. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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Who is a “romanticizer” in the context of dating? How does being too romantic about dating prevent you from finding the right person?
If you’re what Logan Ury calls a romanticizer, you approach dating with an attitude that your relationship happiness depends on whom you’re dating. In other words, you believe in the idea of a soulmate, thereby putting your happiness in the hands of fate rather than your own.
Here’s why romanticizers don’t fare well in dating, according to Logan Ury.
How Romanticizers Behave
According to Logan Ury, approaching dating with the attitude of a romanticizer is likely to cause the following problems. Notably, romanticizers tend to envision their ideal soulmate—so when dating, they may overlook great candidates who don’t exactly match this ideal. Additionally, romanticizers believe that finding a good partner guarantees a blissful, problem-free relationship. So, when their relationship inevitably hits a rough patch, they assume they’re with the wrong person and start to look for someone else, beginning the cycle anew.
What to do instead: If you’re a romanticizer, Ury recommends that you shift your attitude and develop a mindset that a happy relationship depends on how hard you work at it. With this mindset, you’ll temper your expectations regarding what your soulmate is like and thus grow more open to dating great people who don’t match your ideal. And you’ll realize that all relationships have some issues, so you’ll be willing to work on them when they inevitably arise.
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Here's what you'll find in our full How to Not Die Alone summary:
- A science-backed approach for finding the true love you’ve always wanted
- How your patterns may be sabotaging your quest for true love
- How to effectively navigate the twists and turns of a relationship
