This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "The Man's Guide to Women" by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What are the things a woman needs in a relationship? How can you make a woman happy?
The things a woman needs in a relationship include both emotional and physical security, as well as compatible values and excitement. Where these needs come from is up for debate.
Here’s more on how to satisfy a woman in a relationship.
What Do Women Need in Relationships?
Many men are mystified about the things a woman needs in a relationship. In romantic relationships, a woman’s deepest need is to feel physically and emotionally secure. Some argue that women’s need for security is deeply rooted in their biological and cultural makeup.
(Shortform note: Relationship therapist Esther Perel agrees that women, and men, value security in a relationship. However, in Mating in Captivity, Perel challenges the suggestion that this is women’s dominant need. According to Perel, a sense of security in a long-term relationship is a wonderful thing, but security also tends to have a deadening effect on desire. Perel explains that the initial fear of losing your partner was part of what made the relationship exciting. Thus, women don’t only want security, but a dynamic interplay of safety and risk within their relationships.)
As childbearers, women are biologically inclined toward partners who can provide protection and resources to ensure the survival and well-being of both the woman and her offspring. Meanwhile, societal norms often condition women to value emotional connection and communication, leading to an emphasis on emotional security in romantic relationships.
(Shortform note: Rebecca Traister, in All the Single Ladies, disagrees that women’s choices in partners are predominantly driven by biological instincts to find resource providers and protectors. Traister argues that changes in society and culture, fueled by women gaining more economic and social freedom, are changing the way women choose their romantic partners. According to Traister, contemporary women are prioritizing personal values, ambitions, and self-fulfillment over the evolutionary imperative for security in the form of physical protection or financial stability.)
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Here's what you'll find in our full The Man's Guide to Women summary:
- A practical guide to navigating the complexities of female psychology
- How to initiate, build, and sustain a successful and mutually fulfilling relationship
- Why you shouldn't stop dating, even after you're married
