What actually makes relationships last? Is traditional dating advice steering you in the wrong direction?
In his book Don’t Trust Your Gut, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz reveals surprising data about how to be successful in love. His research shows that conventional attractiveness has little impact on relationship longevity, and he shares what makes you four times more likely to find lasting love.
Keep reading to discover what you can do to transform your romantic future.
How to Be Successful in Love
Stephens-Davidowitz’s advice on how to be successful in love is based on his research into dating and long-term relationships. As much as the numbers tell us about how to attract a romantic partner, they also reveal what’s even more important. Stephens-Davidowitz found that the attributes that make potential partners attractive have no impact whatsoever on a relationship’s long-term success. He says that study after study shows no correlation between what you look for in a relationship and whether that relationship will last. Therefore, the person your gut says will make an ideal lifelong partner is nonsense. Judging solely by the criteria that the online dating studies measured, achieving a happy long-term relationship would seem to happen entirely at random—but it doesn’t.
(Shortform note: The data from the online dating studies Stephens-Davidowitz cites may be missing a big piece of what drives your “gut” to pursue certain people. In Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt suggest that we’re drawn to people we believe will help us resolve the wounded parts of our childhood, usually because they unconsciously remind us of our parents and caregivers. If two people match each other’s parental ideals, the mutual attraction can be irresistible—and the fallout when things go sour can be severe.)
When analyzing relationship longevity, what the data suggests is that we ask the wrong questions when seeking a life partner. According to Stephens-Davidowitz, the most important statistical factor in determining a relationship’s success is your psychological state. If you’re already happy with yourself, feel secure in your life, and look kindly toward others, you’re four times more likely to be “lucky in love” than someone who doesn’t, even if they outscore you on all the traditional measures of attraction.
(Shortform note: Though Stephens-Davidowitz highlights the importance of being secure and happy with yourself, he doesn’t suggest how to achieve it if you’re not. Neil Pasricha addresses this in The Happiness Equation, where he writes that you can train yourself to be happy. This requires learning not to rely on external validation, finding meaning in your work, and avoiding needless rumination. Doing so helps you be more positive and accept yourself for who you are.)
From all this data on romantic love, Stephens-Davidowitz draws the following conclusions:
- Stop being shallow. Since conventional attraction means nothing when it comes to long-term happiness, you can increase your odds of finding the right person by widening your search parameters so your dates aren’t confined to the “type” you’re looking for.
- Be more selective about personality. Since people who are secure in themselves and thoughtful toward others tend to make the best partners, focus on looking for these qualities in the people you date to decide which relationships to pursue.
There’s no guarantee for romantic happiness, but Stephens-Davidowitz argues that taking the statistics of long-term love to heart can certainly improve your chances.
| The View From the Therapist’s Couch Relationship experts may take issue with the assumptions behind Stephens-Davidowitz’s conclusions—namely that there’s a “right person” out there, and that finding them (perhaps by being picky about their personality) is enough to increase your chances of marital bliss. As stated before, in Getting the Love You Want, therapists Hendrix and Hunt argue that, no matter what “type” you’re looking for (or not), your “right person” will likely be someone who resembles an idealized version of the people who raised you. That may be fine while a relationship’s young, but once the honeymoon phase is over and you start to see their faults, the traits you once found attractive in your partner can easily become abrasive. At that point, conflicts between you will emerge and the success of your relationship will depend on the work you put into it. Shortform’s Master Guide to Maintaining a Happy Relationship draws from a wide range of literature on how to make a romance last, from understanding both your needs and your partner’s, to maintaining intimacy and navigating conflict. Even if you find someone who’s thoughtful and self-secure, you’ll still have to acknowledge that people and relationships change over time. Stephens-Davidowitz’s suggestions may help you set a relationship’s starting conditions, but numbers alone aren’t enough to know where it goes from there. |
