We’ve put together discussion questions for The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins that you can use with a book club, a class at school, or a team at work. We include sample answers, exercises that will help you get more out of what you’ve read, and recommendations for more reading if you like this book.
Table of Contents
Book Synopsis
The Let Them Theory presents a simple but transformative concept: Let people be who they are. Mel Robbins argues that much of our stress, anxiety, and unhappiness comes from trying to control, change, or manage other people’s opinions, decisions, and behaviors. Instead of exhausting yourself attempting to make others think, feel, or act differently, Robbins encourages readers to “let them”—let them have their opinions, make their choices, and live their lives—while you focus on what you can actually control: yourself.
By releasing the need for others’ approval and stopping the habit of trying to fix or influence people, you reclaim your energy and peace of mind. Robbins provides guidance on how to apply this principle to relationships, work, and daily life, explaining that—when you stop being emotionally dependent on others’ actions or validation—you become more empowered, confident, and free. Robbins says that letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care; it means you’re setting healthy boundaries.
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The Let Them Theory Discussion Questions & Sample Answers
Along with discussion questions for The Let Them Theory, we include sample answers you can use as prompts.
- How does The Let Them Theory challenge conventional advice about relationships and caring for others?
- Sample answer: Traditional advice often encourages us to fight for relationships and show we care by being involved in others’ decisions. The Let Them Theory flips this by suggesting that true care means respecting others’ autonomy and focusing on our own responses rather than trying to control outcomes.
- What’s the difference between “letting them” and simply not caring about people in your life?
- Sample answer: Letting them means you still care about people, but you release the need to control their choices or seek their approval. Not caring is apathy or disconnection, while letting them is about healthy boundaries and respecting both their journey and your own peace.
- Can you identify a situation in your own life where trying to control someone else’s behavior or opinion caused you stress?
- Sample answer: I spent months trying to convince my sister to leave a job she complained about constantly. It created tension between us and exhausted me emotionally. When I finally let her make her own decision, our relationship improved and my stress decreased significantly.
- How does seeking approval from others limit our personal freedom and authenticity?
- Sample answer: When we constantly seek approval, we modify our behavior, opinions, and choices to match what we think others want. This prevents us from discovering and expressing our true selves, keeping us trapped in a performance rather than living authentically.
- What role does fear play in our inability to “let them,” according to Robbins?
- Sample answer: Fear drives us to control others because we’re afraid of being judged, abandoned, or proven wrong. We worry that, if we don’t manage others’ perceptions or decisions, we’ll lose relationships or our sense of security, so we exhaust ourselves trying to prevent these outcomes.
- How can the Let Them Theory be applied in the workplace, especially with difficult colleagues or supervisors?
- Sample answer: Instead of spending energy trying to change a micromanaging boss’s behavior, you can let them be who they are while focusing on your own work quality and boundaries. This might mean documenting communications, doing your job well, and not taking their management style personally.
- Is there a risk of using “let them” as an excuse to avoid difficult but necessary conversations?
- Sample answer: Yes, there’s a difference between healthy detachment and conflict avoidance. “Let them” doesn’t mean you never address issues; it means you clearly share your perspective or needs once and then let go of controlling how the other person responds.
- How does social media make it harder to practice the Let Them Theory?
- Sample answer: Social media constantly exposes us to others’ opinions and lifestyles, triggering comparison and judgment. It creates an environment where we feel compelled to defend ourselves, correct misinformation, or gain validation through likes, making it harder to simply let others think what they think.
- What’s the connection between self-worth and the need to control others’ perceptions of us?
- Sample answer: When our self-worth depends on external validation, we desperately try to manage how others see us. Building internal self-worth means we can let others have whatever opinion they want because our value isn’t determined by their perception.
- How can parents apply the Let Them Theory with their children, especially teenagers or adult children?
- Sample answer: Parents can share their wisdom and concerns once and then allow their children to make their own decisions and learn from consequences. For example, instead of repeatedly arguing about a college major choice, a parent can express their thoughts respectfully and then let their adult child choose their own path.
- What are the potential challenges of implementing this theory in a marriage or romantic partnership?
- Sample answer: In intimate relationships, we’re deeply invested in our partner’s choices since they affect us directly. The challenge is distinguishing between letting them be themselves and addressing issues that genuinely impact the relationship, such as financial decisions or parenting approaches that require collaboration.
- How does the Let Them Theory relate to the concept of emotional boundaries?
- Sample answer: The theory is essentially about establishing emotional boundaries—recognizing where you end and another person begins. It’s about not taking responsibility for others’ feelings, choices, or opinions and not allowing their actions to dictate your emotional state.
- Can you think of an example where “letting them” might actually improve a relationship?
- Sample answer: If a friend constantly cancels plans, instead of repeatedly expressing hurt or trying to change them, you could let them be unreliable while adjusting your expectations and perhaps investing more in friends who prioritize you. This removes resentment and puts the relationship on honest footing.
- How does perfectionism interfere with our ability to let others be imperfect?
- Sample answer: Perfectionists often project their high standards onto others and feel frustrated when people don’t meet expectations. This creates a cycle of disappointment and controlling behavior. Letting go of perfectionism means accepting that others will do things differently—and that’s okay.
- What does Robbins suggest about the energy we waste on trying to change people, and what could we do with that energy instead?
- Sample answer: Robbins argues we waste enormous mental and emotional energy on futile attempts to change others. That energy could be redirected toward our own goals, self-improvement, hobbies, or relationships with people who reciprocate our effort—creating actual positive change in our lives.
- How might cultural or family backgrounds make it more difficult to adopt the Let Them Theory?
- Sample answer: In collectivist cultures or tight-knit families, there’s often an expectation of involvement in each other’s decisions and a sense that family opinions should heavily influence choices. Adopting this theory might feel like betraying family values or being selfish, which means we must navigate carefully.
- What’s the relationship between anxiety and the need to control others’ actions or opinions?
- Sample answer: Anxiety often drives controlling behavior because we believe that, if we can just manage all variables—including other people—we can prevent bad outcomes. The Let Them Theory reduces anxiety by helping us accept that we can control only ourselves, releasing us from an impossible burden.
- How do you distinguish between “letting them” and tolerating genuinely harmful or abusive behavior?
- Sample answer: Letting them doesn’t mean accepting abuse or harm. It means you let someone be who they are while you control your response—which might be setting firm boundaries or removing yourself from the relationship entirely. You let them be toxic somewhere else, away from you.
- What practical first step would you recommend to someone wanting to implement this theory in their life?
- Sample answer: Start by noticing one relationship where you’re expending energy trying to change someone or gain their approval. Practice catching yourself in those moments and consciously choosing to redirect your focus to your own actions and well-being instead of their response.
- How has reading and discussing The Let Them Theory changed your perspective on a current challenge you’re facing?
- Sample answer: I’ve been stressed about a coworker who doesn’t pull their weight on team projects. Reading this helped me realize I can’t make them care more, but I can control my own contributions, communicate concerns to management if needed, and not let their behavior diminish my satisfaction with my own work.
Exercises to Apply the Ideas in This Book
Discussing The Let Them Theory can be just the beginning! Use these exercises with your book club or on your own to get even more out of the book and apply its principles to your life.
Exercise 1: The Energy Audit Journal
Purpose: To identify where you’re wasting energy trying to control others and redirect that energy productively.
Instructions:
- For one week, keep a daily journal divided into three columns: “Situation,” “Energy Spent,” and “What I Could Control.”
- Each time you feel frustrated, anxious, or upset about someone else’s behavior or opinion, write down the situation.
- In the second column, honestly assess how much mental/emotional energy you spent (rate 1-10) trying to change, fix, or manage that person or situation.
- In the third column, identify what you actually could control (your response, boundaries, or actions).
- At week’s end, total your energy scores and reflect on how you could reinvest that energy into your own goals, well-being, or meaningful relationships.
Exercise 2: The “Let Them” Phrase Practice
Purpose: To rewire your automatic reactions and practice releasing control in real-time.
Instructions:
- Identify three relationships or situations where you regularly try to control outcomes or seek approval.
- Create specific “Let Them” statements for each. Examples:
- “Let them think I’m too sensitive.”
- “Let them make their own financial mistakes.”
- “Let them choose not to respond to my text.”
- Write these statements on index cards or in your phone.
- When you feel the urge to control, explain, or seek validation, read your relevant statement three times slowly, breathing deeply.
- Notice the physical sensation of releasing that need to control.
- After two weeks, journal about which situations became easier and which remain challenging.
Exercise 3: The Relationship Boundary Map
Purpose: To visualize healthy boundaries and clarify where to apply the Let Them Theory in your relationships.
Instructions:
- Draw a large circle representing yourself in the center of a page.
- Around it, draw circles for important people in your life (family, friends, colleagues, partner).
- For each person, list: (1) What you’ve been trying to control about them, (2) What genuinely affects you and requires communication, and (3) What you can “let them” do/think/be.
- Use different colors: red for “requires boundary conversation,” yellow for “affects me but I’m learning to let go,” and green for “ready to fully let them.”
- Choose one yellow item to move to green this month by consciously practicing letting go.
- Revisit your map monthly to track progress and adjust as relationships evolve.
If You Like The Let Them Theory
If you want to read more books like The Let Them Theory, check out these titles:
- Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life—This classic book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend complements The Let Them Theory perfectly by providing a comprehensive framework for understanding and establishing healthy boundaries in all areas of life. While Robbins focuses on releasing control over others, Cloud and Townsend offer guidance on protecting your own emotional space, saying no without guilt, and taking responsibility only for what’s truly yours. Together, these books create a complete approach to relational health—letting others be who they are while clearly defining where you end and they begin.
- The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom—Don Miguel Ruiz’s second agreement—”Don’t take anything personally”—deeply aligns with the core message of The Let Them Theory. This short, powerful book teaches that others’ actions and opinions are about them, not you—freeing you from the need to control their perceptions. The four agreements provide a spiritual and philosophical foundation for the wisdom Robbins offers, helping readers understand that letting go of control is part of a larger journey toward personal freedom and authentic living.
- Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment—For readers wanting to understand why they struggle to let go of control in relationships, this book by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller has insights into attachment styles and how our early experiences shape our relational patterns. It explains why some people anxiously try to manage others’ feelings and behaviors while others distance themselves. Understanding your attachment style provides context for where the Let Them Theory might be most challenging to implement and includes additional strategies for building secure, healthy relationships where letting others be themselves comes more naturally.
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