Physical Touch Love Language: How to (& Not to) Show Affection

A black and white image of a man and woman hugging, expressing the physical touch love language

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform summary of "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Shortform has the world's best summaries of books you should be reading.

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How do you show love through physical contact? According to Gary Chapman’s concept of love languages, people who speak physical touch as their primary love language feel most loved through physical contact—the key is learning your partner’s specific preferences.

Physical touch isn’t one-size-fits-all, and understanding what your partner enjoys (and doesn’t enjoy) makes all the difference. Here’s what Chapman has to say about it in his book The 5 Love Languages.

Originally Published: September 8, 2019 

Last Updated: December 12, 2025

What Is the Physical Touch Language?

According to Chapman, someone whose love language is physical touch feels love most through physical contact. Touches can be large or small, intimate or casual. The most important thing to learn about a partner who speaks this language is their specific preference for touch. There are endless ways of expressing love through touch—the way to find what works is to listen to what your partner likes.

(Shortform note: Physical touch can be especially important during times of stress. One study examined physical touch between couples when one partner was discussing a stressor in their life: It found that the partner sharing their stressor felt more capable of overcoming their obstacle and less stressed when their partner provided them with more touch. The study also found that both partners (the person discussing their stressor and the person listening) felt more positively toward the other when they engaged in more touch. So, not only can providing physical touch express love and support for your partner, it can make you feel better as well.)

However, says Chapman, you must pay attention to what your partner doesn’t like and avoid that type of touch. Touching someone in a way they don’t like is a violation, and it can constitute abuse. This action doesn’t communicate love—on the contrary, it communicates that you don’t care about the other person.

(Shortform note: Sometimes people may put up with touch they don’t like—for example, by having sex just because they feel like they should or to make their partner feel good. Partners may notice that when their significant other touches them, they seem indifferent or detached as they go about it. To make sure both partners enjoy physical touch—including sex—make sure you foster a sense of affection with your partner outside of sexual contexts so that every instance of physical contact feels sincere and enjoyable for both people.)

Unique Preferences for Touch

Each person has their own particular preferences for how they like to be touched. Although the body feels touch everywhere, certain places are more sensitive than others for some people. It’s important to know your partner’s preferences when speaking the Physical Touch love language.

Certain ways of being touched in certain places create more intense feelings of pleasure or pain.

You may enjoy a back rub, whereas your partner may flinch or experience that touch negatively.
You may find holding hands annoying or restricting, whereas your partner may feel most loved when you take their hand.

You and your partner are the best judges of what types of touches are pleasurable or uncomfortable. Listen to your partner’s feedback regarding physical touch.

Insisting on touching them in a way they don’t like is a violation and aggressive. It says your desires are more important than theirs.
If the goal is to learn to love your partner the best way possible, showing a lack of regard for their touch preferences is the antithesis of that.
Only through consensual touch can love be formed. This is essential when speaking the Physical Touch love language.

Emotional connection through physical touch can be significant, such as romantic intimacy, or subtle, such as a squeeze of the arm or hand through the hair.

Either form of touch will communicate love within this love language.
One may express love more emphatically than the other, depending on your partner.

To speak the Physical Touch love language effectively, becoming an efficient toucher is essential. Figure out the types of touches they like, and develop your skills accordingly.

If your partner desires significant touches, learning to be adept at back rubs, foot rubs, sexual intimacy, and full body massages will provide you with the proper tools to show love to your partner.
- These efforts require time and sometimes money, but they will leave your partner with a full love tank.
If small demonstrations of touch are more meaningful to your partner, keep physical contact at the forefront of your mind.
- A kiss goodbye, a hand on the shoulder, or a squeeze from behind can communicate love to your partner in epic proportions.
- These acts require little time and energy, but the reward is a secure and happy partner.

Keeping Touching Dynamic

If your partner’s primary language is the Physical Touch love language, the sky’s the limit for how you can make them feel loved. Learning what your partner likes and how you can keep your loving touches fresh can be a dynamic endeavor.

If you’ve never been touchy-feely, you might find hidden enjoyment in upping your physical contact.

For instance, if you are not a hand-holder, you might find it exciting to hold hands in a dark theater.
You might experience a new sense of joy in seeing how taking your partner’s hand as you walk lifts them.

The rewards of speaking the Physical Touch love language may be surprising.

A kiss on the way out the door may not only fill your partner’s love tank, but leave a lingering spark throughout the day.
A kiss when you get home can become something to look forward to.
You may find you enter the house with anticipation. Or your partner may be more loving and pleased when you come home.

Experimenting with touch can be a fun activity for you and your partner. The thought and act can express your love immeasurably.

Negative Touches

When speaking the Physical Touch love language, beware of negative touch. Because the sensations of physical touch are universal and powerful, negative touches carry strong messages. Many don’t like to be touched by strangers, and they don’t hug or greet people they don’t like.

Within a relationship, the line between positive and negative touching may be vast or small. The boundaries are dictated by the couple. A violation of those boundaries results in inappropriate touching or abuse.

For instance, you may think a pat on your partner’s behind is cute, funny, or loving, but if they receive the action as aggressive or embarrassing, especially in public, the touch will be a negative one.
Perhaps you enjoy hugs from behind, but if your partner experiences them as restricting or oppressive, those hugs will bring little warmth.
If you want to try something new when being intimate but your partner shows hesitation, back off and touch them how they want to express love. Continuing to push or even attempting the change without their consent is wrong.

Similarly, physical contact or intimacy with someone who is not your partner, whether approved or forbidden, carries a powerful message.

If your partner’s language is the Physical Touch love language, making physical contact with another or having an intimate affair can hurt more than anything else.
If your goal is to speak your partner’s language to make them feel more loved, being mindful of how you touch other people is paramount.

Keep these points in mind, and you’ll soon speak the Physical Touch love language fluently.

Physical Touch Love Language: How to (& Not to) Show Affection