This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.
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What is considered domestic abuse? Is abuse deliberate?
Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That? explains why some men abuse their partners and defines domestic abuse. According to his definition, domestic abuse is more complex than many people think.
Keep reading to learn what domestic abuse actually means.
Defining Abuse
What is considered domestic abuse? Bancroft defines abuse as controlling, angry, and violent behavior committed by a man against his partner. He defines abusers as men who have an ongoing pattern of mistreating their partner either verbally, physically, sexually, or with a combination of the three. Verbal abuse involves insults, threats, and raising your voice; physical abuse involves physical violence and destroying objects; and sexual abuse involves any unwanted sexual contact or language.
While nobody knows exactly what causes people to be abusive, Bancroft stresses that abuse is deliberate; that is, it’s a behavior that the abuser does on purpose because it benefits him. By mistreating his partner, the abuser gains more power over her, making it easier for him to vent his negative emotions and force her to perform whatever physical, emotional, or sexual services he demands.
Dehumanization vs. Abuse
By emphasizing abusers’ choices and awareness of the harm that they do, Bancroft is arguing against the perception of abuse as something purely irrational and impossible to control. On the contrary, abuse makes perfect sense from the abuser’s perspective because he values his own convenience over the well-being of his partner.
Psychologist Paul Bloom echoes Bancroft in his argument that extreme violence against a vulnerable person or group—up to and including genocide—doesn’t stem from an inability to recognize others’ humanity, but a willingness to harm other people to achieve certain goals. Insults, beatings, assaults, and murder are used to enforce social hierarchies that benefit the perpetrators at the expense of the victims. For example, in the wake of desegregation in the 1960s, racist agitators would harass and attack Black students not because they saw the students as less than human, but in an attempt to force them away from the schools they had a legal right to attend.
Myths About Abuse
According to Bancroft, talking about abuse is made more difficult by the fact that not many people who work with abusers and their victims recognize that being abusive is a choice. Certain myths about abuse—that abusers are simply “crazy,” that abuse is caused by addiction, that abuse is a problem specific to a particular class or community, and so on—not only fail to protect victims, but actually help abusers by providing covers for their behavior.
(Shortform note: In recent years, mental health experts have pushed back against using the word “crazy” to describe perpetrators of violence, be they abusive men, mass shooters, or political leaders. Critics argue that calling these people “crazy” obscures the fact that most know full well the consequences of their actions and undertake them purposefully, either because they enjoy hurting others or expect to benefit from doing so. In addition, using “crazy” as a derogatory term is harmful to nonviolent mentally ill people, unfairly associating them with crime or abuse.)
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Here's what you'll find in our full Why Does He Do That? summary:
- A guide to how abusive men think
- Ways that abuse victims can better defend themselves
- A breakdown of the four most common myths about abuse
