What Causes Codependency? The Underlying Factors

This article is an excerpt from the Shortform book guide to "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Shortform has the world's best summaries and analyses of books you should be reading.

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What causes codependency traits to form? How are codependency and stress linked? Is there a way to combat codependent tendencies?

In her book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie states that codependency is a reaction to prolonged stress. In most cases, you won’t even realize that your codependent tendencies are forming, because they build up over time.

Below is an exploration into what causes codependency.

The Roots of Codependency

Beattie states that codependency is a reaction to prolonged and often extreme stress. While temporary stress won’t make a big difference in your overall behavior, what causes codependency to form is prolonged and extreme stress does. If your husband is late coming home once, you might worry, but after he gets home safely, you leave the stress behind. When you never know if your husband is coming home, the stress continues and grows every day. And every day, your unhealthy coping mechanisms become more ingrained and habitual.

These habitual coping mechanisms usually result in “reaction mode.” When in reaction mode, you’ll react to things in both healthy and unhealthy ways, but you’ll almost never act on your own volition, Beattie explains. You’ll make decisions solely based on others’ actions and how they make you feel. Instead of being able to make decisions and head off problematic behavior, you’re only able to react after the damage has been done.

Eventually, Beattie notes, even leaving the stress behind isn’t enough to return to normality. Reaction mode has become your new normal, and you subconsciously cling to the same coping mechanisms, even though they have started hurting you rather than helping.

(Shortform note: In business situations, reaction mode occurs when a company cares more about profits than their employees. Companies cut their workforce to save money, and their employees struggle to run the company, reacting to one problem after another. In the same way, codependents don’t allot enough time or attention to themselves, and they struggle to live their lives, reacting to everyone else.)

How to Escape Habitual Stress

Beattie discusses habits in the context of both habitual stress and habitual coping mechanisms. In general, habits can be good. They increase your brain’s efficiency by lessening the energy you spend making everyday decisions. According to Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit, 40% of your daily actions are habitual.

However, habits can also be dangerous. When a habit forms around a stressful situation, your brain becomes more susceptible to stress. Let’s look at how this works:

1. You experience a stressful situation. Continuing our example, your husband is late coming home.
2. Your brain makes a connection between stress and being away from your husband.
3. The next time you’re away from your husband, you feel stressed and may not know why. If you don’t recognize what’s happening, you can’t counter the stress response.
4. Every time you fail to counter the response, the stress habit grows stronger.

To stop this process, identify the habitual stress connection. Your brain is too efficient for you to notice the initial connection, but you can recognize when the connection is being reinforced. For instance, if your husband is at work and you feel stressed, the connection is being reinforced. Take the opportunity to schedule an enjoyable activity; this alters the connection your brain makes and reduces your stress.

Causes of Stress

Codependency is associated with substance abuse because substance abuse is a clear and persistent cause of stress. However, Beattie argues that codependency can crop up in any situation of “family illness,” when one member of a group has a problem and the repercussions spread to the entire group.

(Shortform note: Most well-known family illnesses are mental disorders, but other situations like high-stress jobs or chronic illness can also cause codependency. While some people living with a family illness experience an increase in motivation in the face of the challenge, most experience depression, anxiety, and resentment for the affected party.)

Underlying Stress

The source of stress is not always as obvious as substance abuse. Beattie emphasizes that some families experience codependency without any clear cause: no history of substance abuse, no highly stressful situation, and no particularly needy family members. So what is the source of the stress? What traps you in reaction mode?

In these cases, the problem is usually the underlying family system, Beattie explains. All families have unspoken rules that govern how members behave and interact with one another. These rules develop naturally and can either help or stifle your family’s communication.

What Causes Codependency? The Underlying Factors