What do ancient Hindu scriptures have to say about love? Why should you learn how to be single before you start dating?
In Jay Shetty’s book 8 Rules of Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go, he explains how to navigate being in a relationship, drawing from his experience as a Hindu monk. He provides perspectives on love from ancient Hindu scriptures, then explains how to apply them to your life and your relationship.
Continue reading for an overview of Shetty’s book, complete with insights and exercises.
8 Rules of Love Book Overview
Love isn’t easy. It requires constant attention and dedication to grow and thrive into a long-lasting, successful relationship. In 8 Rules of Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go (2023), Jay Shetty explains how to navigate this process, drawing from his experience as a Hindu monk. He provides perspectives on love from ancient Hindu scriptures, then explains how to apply them to your life and your relationship. Above all, he describes love as a journey of self-discovery, self-improvement, and mutual support.
Shetty spent three years living as a monk in India and the UK before becoming a motivational speaker and entrepreneur. He’s also a relationship advisor for dating app Match, the author of Think Like a Monk, and the host of On Purpose, a podcast exploring personal growth.
In our guide to 8 Rules of Love, we’ll walk you through Shetty’s rules for relationships and their corresponding ashrams—lessons or classes in Hinduism that correspond to various stages of life. We do this in four parts:
- Part 1: How to Be Single explains how to prepare for healthy romantic relationships.
- Part 2: How to Be Responsible in Love details the responsibilities that healthy love entails—recognizing love, helping each other grow, and pursuing your greater purpose.
- Part 3: How to Navigate Challenges covers tips for dealing with conflict and breakups.
- Part 4: How to Foster Universal Love explores the importance of loving every living being.
Part 1: How to Be Single
Shetty’s first two rules derive from the Brahmacharya ashram, which focuses on self-discovery, growth, and abstaining from love. He describes how, during this part of his training to become a Hindu monk, he had to spend a great deal of time alone, meditating in silence. This helped him become more comfortable with solitude and better able to sit with his thoughts for longer periods. As a result, he learned a lot about himself—his identity, values, and desires. With time, he learned to appreciate his own presence, establishing a foundation of self-love.
Based on this experience, Shetty argues that you must love yourself before you can find a long-lasting, loving relationship. So, he says, you must learn how to be single. In this section, we’ll cover his two rules for doing so, why they’re important, and how to follow them.
Rule 1: Enjoy Being Alone
Shetty’s first rule of love is to enjoy being alone. He explains that learning to enjoy your own company is crucial for self-love, which builds the confidence and self-esteem necessary to find a romantic partner and feel secure in your relationship. You won’t enter or stay in relationships out of fear of loneliness; instead, you’ll choose partners who genuinely align with your values and support your growth. On the other hand, if you’re afraid of being alone, you’re more likely to settle for emotionally unfulfilling partners. Or, you might lose yourself in your relationships, prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own to avoid being abandoned.
Practice Going Solo
Shetty suggests that you grow more comfortable with being alone through practice. Start by doing one solo activity every week for a month. These activities should be things that you’ve rarely or never done alone before, like going to a movie, attending a lecture, or even celebrating your birthday.
Write down how you feel about these experiences: Do they feel different than when you do them with someone else? How? What do you like or dislike about doing them by yourself? This helps you learn more about your relationship with solitude and where your thoughts go when you’re alone. You can then use this knowledge to target ways you’d like to grow as a person. For example, you might find that when you go to dinner by yourself, you feel more peaceful and present—but you’re also worried that people are judging you. This shows you how your self-worth is tied up in others’ opinions, so you can prioritize separating the two.
Rule 2: Understand Your Romantic Desires
Shetty’s second rule is to figure out what you’re looking for in a partner and why. He explains that the better you understand this, the easier it is to find partners you’re genuinely compatible with.
Most people aren’t aware of their romantic desires because they’re subconscious, shaped by early experiences of love that haven’t been examined closely enough. These experiences include your relationships with your parents, your first romances, and so on. Your early relationships gave you a mental model of what love looks like and how it works, and you interpret all your future relationships through this model in one of two ways:
- You try to emulate this model, seeking partners who remind you of your early experiences with love.
- You try to “fix” the model, seeking partners who provide you with something you didn’t get from your parents or early romantic partners.
Shetty says each of these paths leads you to form unhealthy romantic desires. If you try to emulate your model of love, you choose partners with the same toxic traits your parents and previous partners had. Or, if the model was healthy, you readily dismiss potential partners who don’t fit it, even if the love they offer is perfectly valid. For example, say that one way your parents showed love was by showering you with gifts. Because you want the same from your partner, you might overlook someone who expresses love differently or can’t afford to buy gifts—and consequently, you miss out on what could have been a fulfilling relationship.
Likewise, trying to “fix” your model of love seems logical since it means choosing partners who express healthier versions of love than your parents and previous partners did. But Shetty argues that this backfires because it places the burden of your emotional healing on your partner—a responsibility they can never fully live up to. And when your partner inevitably falls short, you resent them for it, which harms your relationship.
Shetty says both of these paths—emulating or “fixing” your model of love—lead to failed relationships, but you can break this cycle by examining your desires more closely and learning to meet your own needs.
Why You Need to Examine Your Desires
Shetty argues that understanding your desires helps you stop repeating past relationship mistakes. He describes this as karma in action. In Hinduism, karma refers to the natural process of cause and effect, where good actions lead to good outcomes and bad actions lead to bad outcomes. Many people find themselves trapped in a karmic cycle, where they repeat bad actions multiple times until they finally learn from them and change their behavior.
In relationships, this cycle looks like continually choosing partners you’re incompatible with. Shetty says you can’t disrupt this pattern until you understand why you keep choosing these partners—which desires you’re hoping they’ll fulfill and how those desires influence your behavior. Once you understand this, you can use it to guide how you approach relationships in the future.
For example, say your ex-partners smothered you with attention. Part of you was flattered, but you also felt overwhelmed. Their behavior became controlling, which you accepted until you realized it was draining your sense of independence and self-worth. Now that you’re single and examining your past relationships, you realize that the attention felt good because you didn’t get enough of it as a child—but at the same time, you craved more space. When you’re ready to start dating again, you can look for a partner who offers consistent, respectful support without trying to dominate your time or choices. In this way, you break the karmic cycle that’s governed your love life so far.
How to Learn About Your Desires
So, how do you learn more about what you desire and why? Shetty provides an exercise to help you do this: Think about a difficult period during your childhood and how your parents responded to it. Reflect on how they did or didn’t help you, as well as what you liked about their approach and what you wish they’d done differently. This provides an example of how your parents showed love, which you can compare to the way you experience love now. Do you seek out partners who show love similarly, or partners who give you what you never got from your parents? When and how does this lead you to make unhealthy choices?
Shetty recommends doing this work while you’re single—that way, you have the space to reflect honestly without the emotional intensity or pressure of a relationship clouding your judgment. You’ll build a stronger sense of identity and self-worth, which will help you enter your next relationship with greater clarity, confidence, and emotional resilience.
How to Meet Your Own Needs
Shetty says learning about your romantic desires helps you choose partners you’re truly compatible with, but this is only half of the equation. You must also learn how to satisfy your needs yourself. This prevents you from relying too heavily on your partner, which, as we’ve discussed, leads to resentment. Shetty recommends taking time each day to identify and meet your needs independently. For example, say you’ve been feeling stressed at work and need to unwind. You might expect your partner to help you relax if that fits your model of love. Instead of relying on them, think of an activity you can do alone to relieve stress—like going for a walk, practicing meditation, or journaling.
Part 2: How to Be Responsible in Love
After you get comfortable with being single, Shetty says you can carry the lessons you’ve learned into a new relationship. To do this, you’ll have to open up and share your love with a partner—in other words, you’ll have to learn to be responsible in love. To that end, his next three rules help you establish a relationship based on mutual respect and growth. They derive from the second ashram, Grhastha, which focuses on loving others for who they are while maintaining self-love.
Rule 3: Recognize Love
Shetty’s third rule is to understand what love means to you every step of the way. During the start of a relationship, it’s important to understand the depth of your feelings for your partner. This helps you know how serious things are getting and when, so you can make better decisions around commitment. Knowing what love feels like also helps you communicate your feelings more clearly—otherwise, both partners can say “I love you” and mean completely different things. Love can also feel different depending on what stage your relationship is in—whether you’re just interested in, comfortable with, or deeply in love with your partner.
Stage #1: Interest
In the first stage, you feel a spark of chemistry between you and your partner. You’re not just superficially attracted to them; you’re interested in knowing them more deeply. So, you go on multiple dates to discover three things: what makes your partner unique (like their background and hobbies), what’s important to them, and what they want their future to look like. This stage is full of excitement—and anxiety, as you hope they feel the same way about you. However, Shetty notes it’s not stable—what you learn about each other in this stage determines whether you’re compatible enough to go on to the next stage.
Stage #2: Comfort
Shetty explains that in stage two, you and your partner get used to each other. Spending time together becomes more consistent and routine, and you become part of each other’s lives in a way that wasn’t guaranteed in stage one. Some of the excitement of phase one remains, but it’s more connected to the reality of life together. For example, you might start doing everyday activities together—like watching shows at home or running errands—to see whether your lifestyles are compatible. With time, this helps your level of comfort with the relationship grow.
Shetty recommends slowly increasing the time you spend together during this phase. If you move too fast or see each other too often, the exciting newness of your relationship can cause you to ignore red flags that prove you’re not compatible. For example, you might feel so enamored with your partner that you look past the fact that they want kids, and you don’t—assuming you can sort this out together later.
He also suggests using this stage to set boundaries—the pace of your relationship, when you need alone time, and so on. This helps you stay comfortable and also lets you see if your partner respects them and, by extension, you.
Stage #3: Deeper Love
As you spend more time with your partner, conflicts inevitably crop up. In a successful relationship, Shetty says, you handle conflict effectively and deepen your love. In stage three, you learn that even though you have differences, you’re well-suited for life together—and, more importantly, that you can rely on each other. You know your partner will show up for you, provide support, and work through disagreements rather than walk away. We’ll explore Shetty’s advice for navigating this stage of your relationship (specifically, the conflict it entails) in greater detail later.
Rule 4: Help Each Other Grow
As you become more comfortable in your relationship, Shetty says, you’ll learn lots about yourself and each other. So, his fourth rule of love is to use your wisdom to help each other grow. Shetty compares this aspect of romantic relationships to the relationship between a student and their guru in Hindu monk training. As spiritual mentors, gurus help students become wiser, more compassionate, and more self-aware. Our partners can help us do the same, and vice versa, using two methods.
Method #1: Uplift Your Partner
Shetty urges you to uplift your partner instead of trying to force them to grow. Forcing your partner to change to suit your needs or your vision of growth is likely to backfire for two reasons: First, when you assume your way is the right way and impose that on them, you lose their trust. Second, force often relies on shame. For example, you might criticize your partner relentlessly for their flaws, and instead of feeling motivated to change, they feel disrespected, which harms your relationship and impedes their growth.
In contrast, Shetty writes, uplifting your partner is effective because it builds trust, safety, and connection—conditions that help real growth happen. You can uplift your partner by inspiring them to pursue their goals and offering support, compassion, and grace as they do so. For example, if your partner wants to become a better parent, you might read and discuss parenting books together, gently offer feedback when they feel stuck, and reassure them during setbacks to show that you believe in them.
Method #2: Be Receptive
Shetty explains that in your relationship, growth should be mutual—sometimes you’ll be the teacher, and sometimes you’ll be the student. As the student, you must approach learning moments with a receptive mindset. This means accepting constructive feedback and new ideas without getting defensive. View these as a gift your partner offers to help you become a better version of yourself, and try earnestly to understand their point of view. For example, say your partner points out that you work too much, which causes you to neglect both your relationship and your self-care. Instead of immediately justifying your work habits, pause to consider their feedback and how you could achieve a better work-life balance.
Rule 5: Pursue Your Greater Purpose
In addition to helping one another grow, you and your partner should each pursue your own greater purpose. This is Shetty’s fifth rule of love. He compares your greater purpose to the Hindu concept of dharma, which refers to your duty in life. This is something that you enjoy and excel at—and by doing it, you contribute something of value to the world. For example, your greater purpose could be baking, researching cures to rare diseases, or helping people learn to read.
Your greater purpose should be your first priority (and your partner’s should be theirs). Many people believe their relationships should come first in life, but this is a recipe for disaster—if you both neglect your greater purpose, neither of you will feel fulfilled, and you’ll start to blame each other for it. In contrast, if you each prioritize your purpose, you’ll bring more joy, creativity, and energy into the relationship, strengthening your connection.
How to Pursue Your Greater Purpose
Pursuing your greater purpose begins with discovering what it is. Shetty says this requires some trial and error. Try different activities and reflect on which ones energize and fulfill you. When you find the one that feels right, practice at it—develop your skills, build consistency, and let your passion deepen through commitment. Then, decide where you want your purpose to take you and commit to seeing that path through to success, even if you hit bumps along the road.
All the while, share your journey with your partner and give them opportunities to support you. For example, if your purpose is baking, invite them to try your creations or pitch in at local markets where you sell baked goods. Shetty explains that this brings you closer together. In turn, your partner will share their purpose with you, and you’ll support them in the same ways you want to be supported—by uplifting them rather than forcing them forward.
How to Balance Both Your Purposes
Time can be a major hurdle as you and your partner pursue your respective purposes. Doing so takes time away from your relationship and other responsibilities, which might leave one or both of you feeling neglected and overwhelmed. Shetty says you can deal with this by taking turns in the spotlight. When one partner is in a particularly demanding phase—like opening a new business—the other can temporarily take on more responsibility in the relationship or your household. Then, when your roles reverse, the same support is given in return. This approach helps ensure that both partners feel valued and supported over time, even if not always equally in the moment.
Part 3: How to Navigate Challenges
Any relationship will progress to a point where you experience conflict. How you handle conflict determines whether your relationship succeeds—if you resolve the problem, your relationship will strengthen and your love will deepen. If you can’t, you’ll likely break up. In this section, we’ll discuss Shetty’s rules for each of these scenarios. He explains that these rules are inspired by Hinduism’s third ashram, Vanaprastha, which stresses reflection and healing.
Rule 6: Fight Well
Fights are inevitable and worthwhile—if you’re upset about something, bringing it up gives your partner a chance to understand you better and strengthen the relationship. At the same time, you need to fight well to prevent your arguments from escalating into hurtful battles. To argue well, Shetty recommends following these steps:
Step #1: Know Your Enemy
It’s easy to see your partner as your adversary when you disagree. However, Shetty argues it’s more helpful to remember that you and your partner are on the same team—you both want your relationship (and each other) to succeed. The real enemy is the problem you’re facing together. To vanquish this enemy, you have to properly identify it—and that requires setting aside your pride. Pride keeps your focus on proving your point, preventing you from seeing the deeper issue that’s driving the conflict.
Step #2: Refine Your Tactics
Once you’ve identified the problem you’re facing, you and your partner need a plan of attack. Shetty suggests that your plan should include three key tactics.
First, schedule your fight in advance. When you set a time to talk, you give yourselves space to cool down, gather your thoughts, and approach the conversation with intention rather than emotion. Shetty says this makes it less likely that the discussion will spiral out of control.
Second, speak clearly and respectfully. At the outset, you and your partner can explain what you’re hoping to get out of the conversation. Usually, this is a solution to the problem, plus reassurance that you still love each other. Then, start sharing your feelings about the situation without assigning blame.
Finally, solve the problem—find a solution that works for both of you and commit to it. Also, take accountability for your role in the conflict and change your behavior if necessary—otherwise, the problem will come up again in the future.
Rule 7: Know When and How to Break Up
You can address some major issues in your relationship with a lot of hard work. Others can’t be fixed. In those cases, Shetty says you’re better off ending your relationship than devoting time and effort to something that’s just going to hurt you more in the long run. Let’s explore his advice on when to break up and how to do it.
When to Break Up
Shetty says you should always end abusive relationships. Abuse happens when your partner makes you feel unsafe—you can’t be yourself or make your own decisions without fear of punishment, manipulation, or physical harm. Ending an abusive relationship can be scary, as abusers often become more violent when they think you’re going to leave, so Shetty recommends getting support from trusted others, including professional services for victims of domestic violence.
Shetty also recommends breaking up when you simply can’t reconcile your differences. In these cases, continuing the relationship would require a major sacrifice that would leave one or both of you deeply unhappy. For example, say you want an open relationship while your partner wants you both to stay monogamous. To stay together, one of you would have to compromise your needs, which would lead to ongoing pain and resentment.
On the other hand, some sacrifices are worth making. If you can accept your differences, overcome past hurts, and live in harmony, you may not need to break up. Shetty explains that infidelity can fall into this category. For some, it’s a dealbreaker, but others can heal from it and strengthen their relationship. The way forward—if there is one—involves being honest with each other about what happened and mutually putting effort into rebuilding trust and intimacy.
How to Break Up
Breakups always hurt, but Shetty says you can make them easier by practicing acceptance. If you’re initiating the breakup, you’ve already accepted that you can’t overcome your differences—explain this to your partner, and go your separate ways. Likewise, if your partner breaks up with you, accept that the relationship is over instead of trying to change their mind. In either case, once the relationship is over, don’t rush into a new one. Instead, get comfortable being single again through self-love (rule 1) and reflection (rule 2).
Part 4: How to Foster Universal Love
Shetty argues that romantic love is only one piece of the puzzle. Hinduism’s fourth ashram, Sannyasa, focuses on universal love. According to this belief, everyone is interdependent and deserving of love—so you have a moral responsibility to give love freely and selflessly, not just to your partner, but to your family, community, and the world. Let’s explore how to do this.
Rule 8: Love Universally
Shetty’s eighth rule is to love universally. He explains that this starts with people you already know and like—your partner, family, friends, coworkers, and so on. But universal love also requires loving three other groups: people you don’t like (for example, your ex-partners and friends), people you don’t know (especially those who are suffering), and other living beings (like animals and the earth). According to Shetty, universal love is necessary because it enriches your life. If you restrict your love life to romantic relationships, you miss out on the deeper fulfillment that comes from connecting with a broader circle of life.
Shetty suggests that the best ways to practice universal love are through connection and generosity. Connection shows that you care about people even if you don’t know them well. For example, if you’re waiting at a bus stop with a stranger, making casual conversation may brighten their day. Generosity, on the other hand, involves giving your time, energy, or resources to ease others’ burdens. This could mean volunteering, donating to causes you believe in, or simply showing up for someone in need.
Exercise: Reflect on Your Ideal Relationship
Use Shetty’s rules of love to clarify what you want from your current or future relationship.
- Think of a past relationship—romantic or otherwise—that affected you deeply. What worked well? What didn’t? What did you learn about how you give and receive love?
- What qualities do you think you’re looking for in a partner? Why do those qualities appeal to you?
- What do you think romantic love should feel like? Remember that Shetty says love can feel different depending on which stage of the relationship you’re in—interest, comfort, or deeper love.
- According to Shetty, partners support each other’s growth in a healthy relationship. How do you hope you and your partner will grow together? What strategies will you use to make this happen?
- Ideally, how would you like to handle conflict with your partner? For example, maybe you want to feel like a team united against a problem instead of adversaries battling each other.
Exercise: Practice Self-Love
Shetty says that before you can find romantic success, you must learn to love yourself. Use this exercise to reflect on how you can cultivate self-love.
- Think about a time when you enjoyed being alone. For example, maybe you took a walk by yourself or wrote a short story. What about that moment made you feel at peace or happy with yourself?
- Think about a time when you didn’t enjoy being alone—for example, just after a breakup. Why didn’t you enjoy it? Which of your needs weren’t being fulfilled?
- When you’re alone, what activities help you feel nourished or recharged? How often do you make time for these?
- What is one small daily habit you can start that would make spending time with yourself more fulfilling?
