The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More (Jefferson Fisher)

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or like you were talking to a brick wall? Whether it’s a heated family dinner discussion or a tense meeting at work, we’ve all been there.

Jefferson Fisher’s The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More isn’t about winning debates or getting your way. Instead, Fisher focuses on building genuine connections and turning conflicts into opportunities for understanding. Continue reading to discover how to handle even the toughest conversations.

Overview of The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More

If you’re tired of arguing, talking in circles, or feeling misunderstood, there’s hope. Jefferson Fisher’s The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More offers practical techniques for communicating effectively in everyday situations—whether you’re navigating family disagreements, workplace conflicts, or even arguments with strangers. Fisher explains that, by connecting with and understanding the other person, you can have healthier arguments, assert yourself respectfully, and manage communication roadblocks such as insults and interruptions.

Fisher is a personal injury attorney who owns his own firm in southeastern Texas. He hosts the weekly Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where he provides tips for being a better communicator. His book The Next Conversation, published in 2025, was written in response to an overarching trend in the questions he received from his podcast audience—instead of asking about big-picture topics, his listeners were concerned with how best to manage their daily interactions.

We’ll cover Fisher’s book in two parts: First, we’ll discuss the essential tools of effective communication—connection, preparation, and assertiveness. Second, we’ll look more specifically at how to navigate arguments and difficult conversations. We’ll discuss the anatomy of an argument, how to maintain composure and deal with defensive behaviors, and how to smooth things over in later talks.

Part 1: The Essential Tools for Effective Communication

Why is it important to be able to communicate effectively? Fisher writes that it’s not just because good communication helps us express ourselves clearly, but also because every conversation creates a ripple effect: In every interaction, the words we say and how we say them affect how people feel, act, and treat others in the future. For example, how you talk to your child about their fears shapes how they’ll handle them and how they respond to others who are afraid. Even casual conversations matter—a kind word to a stranger might brighten their day and inspire them to pass that kindness forward.

Therefore, says Fisher, good communication skills are essential for building healthier relationships and communities. In this section, we’ll look at three tools that can make you a better communicator: connection, preparation, and assertiveness.

Tool #1: Connection

First, Fisher writes that, to communicate well, you must focus on connection. Connection goes beyond just sharing and receiving information—you must seek to understand what the other person is saying and then show them that you understand.

Fisher explains that we often enter conversations expecting something from the other person. You might expect them to admit they’re wrong or validate your feelings. However, if you have these expectations, you focus on your agenda instead of listening to and understanding the other person. When you do this, you miss what they’re trying to say, and the conversation becomes about winning rather than understanding.

Instead, if you focus on connection, you can truly hear the other person’s perspective and have a more productive conversation. Fisher points out that you don’t have to agree with the other person to connect with them—you just need to understand where they’re coming from and acknowledge that.

Barriers to Connection

Though focusing on connection helps us communicate better, Fisher explains three common barriers that make it hard to connect.

Poor self-awareness: We don’t often know how others see us since our body language and facial expressions may send signals we don’t notice. This can create misunderstandings—for example, if you frown and furrow your brow while thinking about a problem, other people might think you’re upset with them, even though you’re just concentrating.

Close-mindedness: We tend to reject ideas that are different from our own without trying to understand them. This makes it hard to connect with people who see things differently than we do. For example, if a coworker suggests a new way to organize team meetings, you might immediately dismiss it as “too complicated” without asking why they think it would work better.

Lack of self-assurance: We sometimes struggle to be direct in conversations. We avoid eye contact, use closed-off body language, or use phrases that soften what we want to say, like “This probably isn’t important,” or “I’m not sure if this makes sense.” This behavior undermines connection because when we’re indirect, people can’t understand what we need or what we’re thinking.

The Technology Barrier

Fisher also explains that technology like texting and email often impairs true connection. These tools miss important clues like tone of voice and facial expressions, making misunderstandings common. For example, a friend’s simple “okay” text might seem unenthusiastic when they’re actually excited but typing quickly. For this reason, Fisher recommends face-to-face conversations when possible.

Tool #2: Preparation

The second tool for effective communication is preparation. Fisher says you can improve your conversations by preparing three things: 1) Your goals for how you want to speak, 2) the topics you plan to discuss, and 3) your approach to difficult conversations.

Identify Your Goals and Values

First, Fisher suggests you think in advance about how you want to conduct yourself during the conversation. You can do this by determining your personal values and realistic goals for the conversation.

Fisher explains that realistic goals focus on what you can achieve. You might set goals like staying calm throughout the discussion and trying to understand the other person’s point of view. Avoid unrealistic goals, which expect the other person to do exactly what you want—they probably won’t, and you’ll end up disappointed.

Next, Fisher suggests you identify your values and let them guide how you communicate. Values affect how you listen, respond, and engage with people. They can also simplify decision-making during difficult conversations. When you know what your values are, you don’t need to overthink your responses because your values will guide your behavior and your words. For example, if you decide that kindness is your core value, you’ll naturally choose gentler words even when you feel frustrated.

To discover your values, ask trusted friends and family to describe your character traits. You can also think back to times when you felt proud of how you handled a conversation or situation and what values guided your words and actions then.

Decide What You’ll Talk About

Before speaking, Fisher recommends you determine the purpose and scope of your conversations in advance to keep them on track. This way, everyone understands why they’re talking, what they’re discussing, and how the conversation should end. Without direction, conversations wander off topic and fail to achieve their purpose. They also last too long and cause people to become confused and frustrated.

To keep your conversation focused:

1. Tell the other person exactly what you want to talk about, and address only one main issue per conversation, as this allows you to discuss that issue fully.
2. Explain what you hope to achieve or how you want both parties to feel afterward.
3. Ask if they’re willing to have a conversation under these terms.

If conversations drift off topic, Fisher suggests you gently redirect people back by using key words from your original topic. Acknowledge the other person’s points while firmly but politely steering the conversation back, offering to address their concern afterward.

Prepare to Talk About Hard Things

When you know you’ll need to discuss something sensitive, Fisher recommends two steps:

1. Schedule a time and place for your talk. Ask the other person if they’re available to talk at a future time and choose a private space free of distractions. Don’t ambush them or try to squeeze a serious talk between other activities. Giving both parties time to mentally prepare leads to a more productive conversation.
2. Be direct. Start by explaining that the conversation will be difficult, then lead with your main point. If you start by making small talk, you can come across as insincere, and dancing around the issue creates anxiety for the other person and reduces their trust in you. When you’re clear and direct, you show that you respect the other person’s dignity and emotional intelligence. Being straightforward also allows people to process information and respond better.

Fisher also suggests you prepare for difficult conversations others initiate. Sometimes, other people will approach you first to talk about a challenging topic. In these cases, express your appreciation when people come to you with challenges and listen to them without immediately sharing your own experiences. You can also ask thoughtful questions to understand their perspective better. How you receive other people’s difficult messages affects whether they’ll trust you with sensitive information in the future.

Tool #3: Assertiveness

The third communication tool that Fisher recommends is being assertive when you speak. When you act and speak assertively, you build your confidence. Confidence is a feeling that only comes from being assertive, allowing you to act even when you’re scared, admit when you’re wrong, and learn from your mistakes.

To speak assertively and build your confidence, avoid these three habits that make you sound uncertain:

Qualifiers: These are unnecessary words that weaken your message, like “maybe,” “just,” “kind of,” and unnecessary apologies. For example, instead of saying, “Sorry for the inconvenience,” say, “Thank you for your understanding.” This small change makes you sound more confident while still being polite.

Filler words: These are sounds or words we use to fill pauses when speaking, such as “um,” “like,” and “you know.” Fisher writes that a brief pause sounds more professional and confident than filling the space with these words. People often view those who speak less but choose their words carefully with more respect and attention.

Upspeak: This happens when your voice goes up at the end of a sentence, making statements sound like questions. Upspeak makes you sound unsure of yourself. Fisher suggests keeping your voice steady or letting it go slightly down at the end of sentences instead.

Assert Boundaries

Fisher adds that you must also assert boundaries when communicating with others. Boundaries are personal rules that protect things that matter to you—for instance, your time, your family, or your emotional well-being. To communicate boundaries, clearly tell others what you expect. You can do this in three steps:

1. Establish the boundary using an “I” statement. For example, “I don’t take work calls after 6 p.m. because that’s my family time.”
2. Explain the consequences of crossing the boundary. Use conditional language—for example, “If you call me after 6 p.m., I won’t answer and will return your call the next business day.”
3. Follow through on the stated consequence. For example, if a colleague calls at 8 p.m., don’t pick up the phone. Instead, call back in the morning like you said you would.

Fisher writes that people who truly care will respect your boundaries. However, be careful not to create too many, which can damage relationships and allow you to avoid responsibilities. Set boundaries only for things that really matter, and stay flexible about less important things.

Learn to Say No

In addition to speaking more assertively and setting boundaries, you must learn to say no. Fisher explains that saying no is a skill that helps you take control of your time and energy. It lets you make choices based on what you want, not what others expect from you.

Fisher suggests a three-step process to turn down requests: Start with a clear “no,” express gratitude, and then end by saying something positive. For example, if a coworker asks you to take on an extra project when you’re already busy, you might say, “No, I can’t take on another project right now. I appreciate you considering me for this opportunity. Best of luck with the project!” 

Fisher says that you don’t need to apologize or explain why you’re declining. Most of our worries about disappointing others are overblown—if someone keeps pushing for reasons, just repeat your answer without adding details.

Part 2: How to Have Healthy Arguments

Now that we’ve covered the three tools for effective communication, let’s discuss how to navigate arguments. Fisher presents four tips for turning conflicts into productive conversations: 1) Understand what triggers arguments and how they escalate, 2) stay calm and focus on connecting rather than winning, 3) handle difficult responses like insults and defensiveness, and 4) follow up with additional conversations for better resolutions.

Let’s discuss each tip in detail.

Tip #1: Understand Why Arguments Happen

Fisher explains that arguments typically follow a predictable pattern with two stages: escalation and cool-down.

Escalation happens when an argument heats up. During this phase, your body treats the argument like a threat, and your emotions take over. Your fight-or-flight response activates, causing your body to release adrenaline, increase your heart rate, and reduce your ability to think clearly. As a result, people might become defensive, shout, or resort to personal attacks.

Fisher writes that knowing what makes arguments escalate can help you control them. Two types of triggers cause strong negative reactions:

• Physical triggers threaten your body. Someone standing too close, raising their voice, or making sudden movements can set you off.
• Psychological triggers threaten your identity and relationships. These include fear of being rejected, having someone doubt your abilities, or worrying about losing important relationships.

Understanding triggers helps in two ways: First, you can catch yourself before you get emotional. Second, when someone else gets upset, you can ask yourself, “What trigger did I just hit?” instead of getting angry back.

Fisher explains that the second stage of arguments happens when people cool down—for example, when someone walks away, when you reach an impasse, or when you and the other person reach a mutual understanding. During this stage, people feel emotionally and physically drained—their heart rates slow, their breathing normalizes, and their rational thinking returns.

Tip #2: Maintain Composure

Fisher says that during arguments, you should focus on connecting with the other person instead of trying to prove a point. He explains that trying to prove a point often damages relationships, creates resentment, and rarely changes anyone’s mind.

Therefore, when someone disagrees with you, let go of the need to be right. Instead, try to view arguments as an opportunity to better understand the other person’s worldview. People who seem angry or unreasonable are often dealing with problems or emotions you don’t know about. For example, a coworker who snaps at you about a minor mistake might be worrying about losing their job. When you can look past someone’s difficult behavior and understand their deeper concerns, you can respond with empathy instead of anger, allowing you to defuse tensions and build stronger relationships.

Before the Argument Escalates

Fisher suggests three tips for composing yourself in the moments right before an argument escalates:

• Breathe before you speak. When you sense tension building, take a slow breath through your nose. Before you exhale, take an extra sip of air and then breathe out for twice as long. This calms your body’s stress response and gives you time to think instead of reacting instinctively.
• Check in with your body. Briefly close your eyes and search for areas of tension in your body. Then, name what you’re feeling and tell the other person—for example, you might say, “I can tell I’m feeling a little impatient.” When you share your feelings openly, it reduces tension and helps others understand where you’re coming from.
• Create a mantra. Choose a short phrase that reminds you how to act during conflict—ideally, something that matches your goal for the conversation. For example, if your goal is staying calm, your mantra might be “slow and steady” to keep yourself on track.

During the Argument

Fisher says that during arguments, you can stay calm by inserting strategic pauses into your conversation. He explains that when we argue, we often talk too fast because we feel upset or nervous. This makes us say things we don’t mean or speak in ways that make the argument worse.

Fisher writes that when you take pauses, you give yourself time to reflect on your response, notice what’s happening, and regulate your emotions. Pauses also demonstrate authority and composure. There are two types of pauses you can use:

• Short pauses (one to four seconds): Use these brief pauses to emphasize your points and sound more confident and thoughtful. 
• Long pauses (five to 10 seconds): Use these longer silences when someone says something rude or inappropriate. It often makes the other person reflect on their own words and realize what they said was wrong.

Tip #3: Manage Negative Responses From Others

Even when you approach conversations with composure, the other person might not respond well. They might use insults, give poor apologies, interrupt you, or act defensively. Fisher provides strategies for handling each of these challenges.

Verbal Attacks

Fisher explains that people who insult you, put you down, or act rudely are trying to upset you. When you get angry or hurt, they feel powerful. The best response is to stay calm and not give them the satisfaction they seek from your response. Instead of reacting emotionally, consider three approaches:

• As previously mentioned, use a long pause to let their words echo back. Staying silent takes away the reaction the other person wants to get out of you and makes them rethink what they said.
• Repeat what they said or ask them to repeat what they said. When people have to repeat an insult, they often feel uncomfortable with their own words.
• Ask a question about their intent or desired outcome. For example, you might ask if they meant to make you feel bad with what they said or if they intended to sound harsh. These questions force them to think about their behavior and often lead to an apology or clarification.

Poor Apologies

Fisher writes that people often give insincere apologies to avoid taking responsibility. They might say things like, “Sorry if you’re upset,” or make excuses for their behavior. When someone gives a poor apology, redirect the focus back to what they did wrong and get them to take responsibility. Point out that you need an apology for their actions, not an apology for your reaction to them or for the reason they acted that way.

Fisher adds that sometimes people use self-deprecation as another way to avoid responsibility. If they say things like “I’m such a terrible person” to make you comfort them instead of dealing with what they did, simply tell them you’re willing to accept an apology.

Interruptions

Fisher writes that constant interruptions prevent real communication and signal disrespect. People interrupt for various reasons: They might want to take control of the conversation, or they might simply be reacting emotionally. Whatever the reason, if someone keeps interrupting you, consider responding with these three steps:

1. Let the first interruption slide. This shows maturity and gives the other person a chance to express their impulsive thoughts. After they finish, return to exactly where you left off without addressing their comment.
2. If they interrupt again, use their name. Saying someone’s name catches their attention.
3. If they keep interrupting, set a clear boundary with “I” statements. For example, you might say, “I would like to finish my thought before responding to yours.” This lets you maintain respect while establishing that you expect to complete your thoughts. Most people will stop interrupting once you make this boundary clear.

Defensiveness

Fisher writes that we become defensive when we feel someone is criticizing or attacking us, which prevents us from connecting. When we get defensive, we stop listening and focus on protecting ourselves instead of trying to understand the other person. For example, if someone says, “You never help out with chores,” we might snap back with, “That’s not true! I took out the trash yesterday!” instead of hearing their frustration.

To overcome defensiveness in yourself: Take a deep breath and ask yourself if you really need to defend yourself. Fisher explains that you don’t have to respond to every challenging comment thrown your way. Sometimes, staying quiet helps the conversation move forward better than arguing back.

To prevent defensiveness in others: Show that you understand the other person’s point before sharing your own thoughts. This way, you demonstrate respect for the other person’s position, even if you disagree with it. Fisher also recommends starting sentences with “I” instead of “you,” and not starting questions with “why.” Questions that start with “why” often make people feel like you’re questioning their judgment or blaming them for doing something wrong. This triggers their need to defend themselves.

Tip #4: Have Follow-Up Talks

Fisher writes that difficult conversations rarely end with one discussion. When you have a hard conversation with someone, the first talk often stirs up strong emotions. People may say things they don’t mean or struggle to express their true feelings—this is normal. 

Instead of trying to resolve everything at once, you should plan for follow-up conversations. Follow-up conversations help in several ways: First, they happen after emotions have cooled down, so people can think more clearly. Second, they give everyone time to reflect on what was said. Lastly, they create space for people to correct misunderstandings or apologize for harsh words.

Fisher points out that relationships grow through many conversations over time, not through one perfect discussion. By accepting that difficult topics need multiple talks for people to resolve, we take the pressure off ourselves and create more chances for understanding.